January 9, 1990
10. The way he'd sing "The Pina Colada Song" in the shower. 9. The thoughtful way he cleaned up after his voodoo blood rituals. 8. Made everybody else feel better about their complexions. 7. His fabulous collection of Miami Sound Machine albums. 6. The way you could make him jump 10 feet in the air by popping a paper bag. 5. Two words: balloon animals. 4. The way he'd treat for pizza when his CIA checks arrived. 3. That he didn't act like a big celebrity -- like Mickey Rooney did when he stayed here. 2. His Dan Quayle jokes. 1. Simply the fluffiest blueberry pancakes on the isthmus.
10. Was loopy on Stridex fumes. 9. Desperate crush on Ted Koppel made him try anything to get on "Nightline." 8. Typographical error; thought he was selling "rugs." 7. Just following advice in book: "Stay in Power the Ceausescu Way." 6. You think it's easy supporting a wife, two kids, a mistress, and hookers on a measly president's salary? 5. Traumatized in childhood by death of parents -- which he killed. 4. Was doing it all to impress Jodie Foster. 3. If his last name was Letterman he'd just get his drivers license suspended. 2. PMS. 1. If a dictator can't run drugs, launder money, and torture opponents, what kind of world are we living in?
10. We'll put the 100th caller through! 9. Committed to reviving the lost art of letter writing. 8. H-H-H-H-Hello? 7. Less talk. More rock. 6. You try figuring out complicated computer software after drinking a bottle of Nyquil. 5. You might as well talk into your blow dryer. 4. Oh yeah, like the Post Office delivers every single letter. 3. Reach out and touch MCI. 2. Let your fingers do something else. 1. Damn it! It's Cliff Robertson's fault!
10. Michael Jackson's original nose. 9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn. 8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't open. 7. The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the Oldies." 6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay. 5. The record company weasel petting zoo. 4. Great moments with Mr. Mister. 3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a tribute to opening acts. 2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry Hill." 1. Ride the wild Cher.
10. Went to hotel for free HBO. 9. Used drugs to escape daily nightmare of having first name "Marion." 8. Just helping out Dick and Ed with their "Bloopers and Practical Joke" show. 7. As mayor has duty to greet foreign dignitaries -- you know, like from Columbia. 6. Bush asked him to buy it so he could hold it up during next TV speech. 5. Started as craving for mints on pillow -- and then just got out of hand. 4. Doing what he could to keep drugs from our young people. 3. Always thought that frying egg in TV drug commercial looked pretty good. 2. Drug dealers?! I thought they were prostitutes! 1. If buying crack and getting high in cheap hotel rooms is a crime -- why isn't Barbara Bush in jail?
10. Hold 'em under a hundred! 9. More magazines! 8. All we need is 25 field goals! 7. Oh, for the sweet release of death! 6. Drug tests! Drug tests! 5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave us with our dig-ni-tee! 4. Hey! That big San Francisco guy was shoving! 3. Start the bus! Start the bus! 2. Two, four, six, eight . . . aw, screw it! 1. Wait 'til the Pro Bowl!
10. Joan Taub, Canyon Rose. 9. Lissette Vega, Copper Glaze Sienna. 8. Elaine Kleiner, Red or Not. 7. Mary Manganelli, Rhubarb. 6. Anna Li, Mauvelous. 5. Sharon Daley, True Chocolate from Ultima II. 4. Louisa Meline, Sandalwood Beige. 3. Fred Orne, Blistex with Sunscreen (SPF 10). 2. Leonida Rodriguez, Mandarin. 1. Robin Melnick, All-Day Power Pink.
10. I think he used to play Chip on "My Three Sons." 9. It would be a shame if that bandleader ever lost his magnificent head of hair. 8. My name is Dave -- and I'm here to sing! Sing! Sing! 7. Oh no! Not Kamarr the Magician! 6. You can't come in here, Mr. Snyder. Your show was canceled. 5. When's he gonna take out those gag teeth? 4. Can you use the restroom upstairs? We're doing a show in here. 3. I can't believe Lord Melman would stoop to doing American television. 2. I sat through the show. Now where's my tote bag? 1. He's no Dinah.
10. When you're not watching the show, we make fun of you. 9. You never know when I'll come out drunk and slug a cameraman. 8. You can sit there naked. We really don't care. 7. If our viewership falls off, little Snuggles the fabric softener bear dies. 6. If you don't, Paul will have to go back to the Ice Capades. 5. To keep G.E. executives knee-deep in hookers and gin. 4. One of the killers we profile may be living next door to you. 3. The wall is down, Noriega is out, don't stop us now! 2. So you can say you were watching the night I was replaced by Deborah Norville. 1. Because, well, I'm no good at this kind of thing -- but damn it -- I love you!
11. Disembowelmint 10. Pineapple Noriega 9. Marion-berry 8. Smouldering Wig 7. Fruit-of-the-Loom 6. Sonny 'n' Cherry 5. Anton Fig 4. No. 10 Steel Lock Washers 3. Suck This 2. Manson Mint 1. Rashberry
10. Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO. 9. Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word. 8. Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and selling the footage to Dan Rather. 7. On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be first one to sit in Batmobile. 6. Constitutionally empowered to strip search any citizen. 5. The Whammo company is always sending free stuff. 4. Counter guys at Moscow McDonalds usually slip in a couple of extra McNuggets. 3. Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal. 2. Gets to play Santa at end of May Day parades. 1. Raisa after two glasses of wine.
10. Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos. 9. Ever since Paulina started dating Ric Ocasek, goofy looking guys actually think they have a shot with us. 8. Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison. 7. Exxon tankers. 6. Sleazy late night talk shows where the bandleader makes a clumsy pass at you. 5. The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot. 4. Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas. 3. People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q. 2. Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone looking at a picture of you. 1. That damn sand gets in everything.
10. Let Dan Rather show some fake war footage. 9. Ed Bradley and Morley Safer have a belching contest. 8. Sixty seconds with Jimmy the Greek. 7. Show the Mike Tyson/Buster Douglas fight -- twice. 6. New closing in which reporters link arms and sing "Happy Trails." 5. Have Mike Wallace share with viewers his hair-coloring tips. 4. On-the-air auction of Andy Rooney's personal possessions. 3. Bloopers from earlier in the show. 2. Just show that neat ticking clock a little longer. 1. Microwave waffles!
10. Oh well, nobody here in heat.... 9. I'm a real-life steel magnolia. (This list was a video one) 8. What the hell are you looking at? 7. I still miss Lorne Greene. 6. Somebody please kill me! 5. Why doesn't the government do something about mange. 4. What the hell kind of barber shop is this? 3. Lambada! 2. Come back to Jamaica. 1. Hey, Steinbrenner -- you suck!
10. Dangerous toxins, yes! Cholesterol, no! 9. Kills bugs dead! 8. Take the Perrier challenge! 7. The favorite chaser of Kitty Dukakis. 6. A wholly owned subsidiary of Exxon. 5. Slightly better than drinking from those puddles in the subway. 4. It's high-octane enjoyment! 3. The drink that made Milwaukee nauseous! 2. Goes perfect with Chilean grapes! 1. Coming soon -- our new kerosene flavor!
10. How'd you like to be a New York Post headline? 9. Haven't I evicted you somewhere before? 8. You don't know Marvin Mitchelson, do you? 7. Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle? 6. I'd like to do to you what I did to Merv. 5. Can I introduce you to Don King? 4. Hello. I'm Donald Trump. 3. Tired of always running to the automatic cash machine? 2. I'm good friends with Dave Letterman. 1. That is a roll of hundreds in my pocket -- and I'm glad to see you.
10. Keggerland 9. Just Plain Volks 8. Siegfried & Roy 7. Aryan Acres 6. Argentina East 5. The Love Shack 4. Nazichusetts 3. Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor 2. Home of Das Whopper 1. Cindy
10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed. 9. Even split of all Lotto winnings. 8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks. 7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot at "I Dream of Jeannie." 6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions. 5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided 50/50. 4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the 7-Eleven. 3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by shutting eyes and picking name out of phone book. 2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the top. 1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
10. San Diego Chicken will be forced to get a real job. 9. Gives public time to get used to a commissioner named "Fay." 8. Nike can launch ad campaign for "Bo knows picket lines." 7. Chance to round up hundreds of potential Yankee managers. 6. It will be fun to watch Morganna run out to kiss pro bowlers. 5. Allow time for that bright orange nacho cheese stuff to really mellow. 4. Cleveland fans can boast that Indians are tied for first place. 3. Newspapers have more room to devote to Marla Maples. 2. Frees up unused astroturf for my new hairpiece. 1. Gives indoor lacrosse a fighting chance.
10. He used to live in a big white house. 9. That bastard Sam Donaldson. 8. Those great parties at Marion Barry's. 7. Daughter Maureen's weight (within 150 pounds). 6. Where Nancy doesn't like to be touched. 5. The name, address, and Social Security number of each and every one of his black supporters. 4. If you need a hooker, call Bill Holden. 3. 4:30 -- time for Wapner! 2. That Jodie Foster is a real trouble maker. 1. Falling off a horse and that's about it.
10. Intentionally threw election to make millions on rematch. 9. Didn't want to do "I'm going to DisneyWorld" commercial. 8. Many voters thought "Sandinistas" were Pepperidge Farm cookies. 7. Picked young empty-headed senator as running mate. 6. Too little campaigning, too much Marla Maples. 5. Voters always pick the bustier candidate. 4. Couldn't deliver on promise to get Managua an arena football team. 3. She used steroids. 2. Screw it. Germany's going to rule the world anyway. 1. Let's face it -- communism sucks.
10. Pulled Hamstring 9. Gristleami 8. Smoked Schwarzenegger 7. Hoffaloney 6. Eva Braunshweiger 5. San Diego Chicken Roll 4. Joseph Bologna 3. Smokey Pittsburgh Senorita 2. Hey -- Those Aren't Pimentos! 1. [Sorry, had a VCR glitch]
10. F U CN RD THS -- You Can Captain a Supertanker! 9. Giving Sea Otters the Pat Riley "Wet Look." 8. What We Can Learn from Perrier. 7. Jack Daniels: Everybody's First Mate. 6. Like You Never Took a Leak in a Pool. 5. "Did You See Those Giant Lobsters?!": Finding a Good Alibi. 4. Viva Versus Bounty: Which Is the Quicker Picker Upper? 3. Polluting New Jersey: Like Who's Gonna Notice? 2. Tossing the Empties Overboard. 1. Compass Shmompass!
10. To avoid embarrassment, Fay Vincent will now go by the name of "Vince." 9. For reasons too complicated to explain, the San Diego Chicken will be put to sleep. 8. Permission to transmit or otherwise rebroadcast games now given by Frank Sinatra. 7. Before TV revenues are divided up, Pete Rose will be given chance to double them. 6. Strictly enforced "no tongue" rule for Morganna. 5. New expansion team made up of Steve Garvey's kids. 4. Rule change: team wins if you hit Steinbrenner with a foul ball. 3. All parties agree: Miller Lite is "less filling," does not "taste great." 2. On opening day at Yankee Stadium, Babe Ruth's last surviving hooker will throw out first ball. 1. Pepper!
10. Duck. 9. Check to see if driver's name is "Hazelwood." 8. As a courtesy, allow passengers with flesh wounds to exit first. 7. Brand new drivers can be conned into dropping you off right at your front door. 6. Before boarding bus, stick giant decal over Greyhound logo that says, "Uncle Teddy's Bible Camp, Millersburg, Pennsylvania." 5. Please don't disturb Mr. Dukakis while he's driving. 4. Keep your trousers on. There is no such thing as a "bus nurse." 3. Maybe you could just walk to Scranton. 2. Strike or no strike, don't ever use the bus toilet. 1. Ride Greyhound -- and leave the driving to some drifter named Carl.
10. Best-Looking Rubber Ears 9. Best Screenplay Idea Stolen from Art Buchwald 8. Most Flagrant Lingering Shot of a Brand-Name Product 7. Most Arbitrary Snit by a Supporting Actress 6. Best Straight Costume Designer 5. Tastiest Petroleum-Based Butter Substitute Used in Lobby Concession Stand 4. Best Best Boy 3. Shirley MacLaine Previous Lifetime Achievement Award 2. Best Hair on Back 1. Film Most Likely To Be Rejected -- Even by the Airlines
10. "Isn't that Meryl Streep with Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan?" 9. "Thanks to Jimmy Carter and his team of observers, the voting will be fair for a change." 8. "Uh oh. The guys from Price Waterhouse are talking to Pete Rose." 7. "Yes, Mr. Ebert, I am gonna finish this sandwich." 6. "$100,000 Miss Tandy -- and all you have to do is say 'I'm going to DisneyWorld.' " 5. "It's a crime they snubbed that 'Hey Vern!' guy again." 4. "Hey! Get your hand out of ... Oh, Mr. Beatty, so nice to meet you." 3. "Steinbrenner, even though he's not a member of the Academy, sucks." 2. "Hey look! The Little Mermaid is drunk!" 1. "I'm Dorothy Chandler -- I'm mad as hell and I want you all out of my pavilion right now!"
10. Stop 'n' Pop 9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter 8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap Shoot 7. International House of Zygotes 6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City 5. Jack-in-the-Box 4. Cher's bedroom 3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own-Circus-People 2. The Port Authority 1. McFertilization
10. Lenin tote bags. 9. Raisa swimsuit calendars. 8. Videotape collection of Afghan war bloopers. 7. Free order of fries with purchase of regular Big Mac at Moscow McDonalds. 6. Zero-gravity love weekend on Soyuz spacecraft. 5. We promise to continue jamming Voice of America's broadcast of "Geraldo." 4. Babushkas! Babushkas! Babushkas! 3. Free travel on Greyhound. 2. $50. 1. If you stay, we won't annihilate you with our massive army.
10. To impress the babes. 9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb case. 8. It'll bring in the tourists. 7. Tired of being treated like a second-rate New Jersey. 6. To threaten CBS until they give Brent Musburger his job back. 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music. 4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms. 3. Just to annoy Dan Rather. 2. When some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway. 1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who want to destroy the world. So sue us!
10. Big wad of cash 9. A wallet 8. Change 7. Another wallet 6. Legal documents 5. Glasses 4. A pen 3. Smokes 2. A lighter 1. A hanky
10. Pulled Slinky 9. Wiffle welts 8. Decapitation by experimental razor Frisbee 7. Trip over gummy web of Silly String into table saw 6. Slip 'n' Slide 'n' concussion 5. Overcome by fumes from batch of custom-order toxic Play-Doh for Iraqi military 4. Yo-yo recoil cranial fracture 3. Burnt tongue from cafeteria chili 2. Punctured Water Weenie 1. Hula-Hoop chafing
10. "Kindly take this gentleman's bags to room 1710, Merv." 9. "Would you please sign this prenuptual agreement?" 8. "I wonder if we'll catch a glimpse of the reclusive Mr. Trump." 7. "Of course your credit's good, Mr. Rose." 6. "Security! Security! Ivana on level five!" 5. "Merciful mother of god! With a single turn of the wheel -- my life savings gone!" 4. "Which way to the Trump toilet?" 3. "I'm afraid we don't have a Yahtzee table, Mr. Quayle." 2. "Wow! I didn't know David Letterman could sing." 1. "I'm in Taj Ma-hell!"
10. Using one of those "love" stamps. 9. Have taxes done by stupid, incompetent H. Block instead of by smart, reliable R. Block. 8. Using the name "Helmsley." 7. Calling IRS hotline and offering $1.50 a minute to talk dirty. 6. Writing off stranger living in your house as dependent. 5. Including handwritten coupon good for one "super-duper back rub." 4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of restaurant receipts. 3. Writing off purchase of new Tito Jackson album as charitable donation. 2. Claiming hookers as medical expenses. 1. Request filing extension for "until hell freezes over."
10. Ernest Goes to Lambada 9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony-Baloney Fake Fad 8. Star Trek V: Lambada 7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D 6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka" 5. Zorro Acts Swishy 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Lambadinator 3. The AAA Presents: Defensive Driving the Lambada Way 2. Godzillambada 1. Lambada: The Dance No One's Actually Doing
10. They're shy. 9. For some reason, thought it was an order form for Sea Monkeys. 8. You can't even win anything. 7. Waiting until after operation so I can list self as "woman." 6. Thought going to the window and yelling "Here!" was good enough. 5. Wasn't sure if, like on Jeopardy, answers had to be in form of a question. 4. Didn't know whether to count hostages in basement as boarders. 3. Hoping one of the census babes will come to my house in person. 2. Waiting for help with big words from my wife Marilyn Quayle. 1. Hey! I took part in "Hands Across America" -- you should've just counted us then.
10. Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth. 9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey Vern" guy. 8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-dokie." 7. Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot. 6. Turned down for date by Cher. 5. Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV. 4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions. 3. When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave." 2. Is U. S. Vice President. 1. Tends to sit in the backyard and eat crickets.
10. "Hey! After the concert let's trash the place!" 9. "It's the greenhouse effect, officer. That's why I'm not wearing pants." 8. "Who cares if it destroys the ozone? Thanks to aerosol I can spell my name in cheese!" 7. "Just one more beer -- then I have to pilot a Northwest flight to Seattle." 6. "Good news! June Allyson has switched to cloth diapers!" 5. "That's right, you get a nickel a can, Mr. Musburger." 4. "Burning tires is bad for the ecosystem -- but it adds a great smokey flavor to ham." 3. "Steinbrenner, while not directly involved with these Earth Day festivities, sucks." 2. "Once this land belonged to the Indians.... That was before the Japanese." 1. "The corn dogs were better at `Hands Across America.' "
10. Using C.B. lingo. 9. Talking loudly in a restaurant about your bladder infection. 8. Being a New Kid on the Block. 7. Looking at someone wrong (New York City only). 6. Trying to start "the wave". 5. Repeatedly answering telephone, "Yel-lo?" 4. Two words: vacation photos. 3. Eating all the Cracklin' Oat Bran. 2. Revealing the surprise ending to "Ernest Goes to Jail." 1. Constantly combing hair and asking passersby, "Do you think I look like Jack Lord?"
10. Excuse yourself from room and come back wearing different clothes. Repeat 15 times. 9. Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family Feud." 8. Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as one person or two. 7. Repeatedly ask, "And how many Eskimos did we count today?" 6. Invite them to take shower to freshen up -- then keep flushing toilet. 5. Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood OK. 4. Insist on First Amendment right to answer questions in mime. 3. After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he notices. 2. Two words: plastic vomit. 1. Start going, "168 million and one... 168 million and two" so guy gets messed up and has to start counting all over.
10. Sherry-swilling yacht-monkey 9. Satan's Lambada partner 8. Quayle-picker 7. Four-eyes 6. The-never-had-anyone-even-close-to-Marilyn-Monroe president 5. Pork rind-munching goofball 4. Yale-educated father of five 3. Nancy Reagan's dress dummy 2. Trust fund weenie 1. Mr. Scared-of-broccoli
10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair. 9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the couch. 8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys. 7. Spuds. 6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry. 5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle. 4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli." 3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint. 2. Being known as "The First Bitch." 1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty. Nice kitty."
10. Should have actually answered essay question instead of just writing, "I'm a Kennedy." 9. Tutor Arnold Schwarzenegger over-emphasized the bench press. 8. Thought answer had to be in form of a question. 7. Took Uncle Ed's advice, but guy next to me was really dumb. 6. Confused by typo: spent months studying for the bra exam. 5. Got answers beforehand from that "Hey Vern!" guy. 4. Caught glimpse of self in reflective surface and was unable to look away. 3. Two words: sympathy tail. 2. Afraid passing grade meant talking to Doug Llewelyn. 1. Thought there'd be relaxing "cocktail and makeout break" midway through exam.
10. Pick 'n' Lick 9. Larva Town 8. Food Crypt 7. Risky's 6. Price Hiker 5. Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo 4. The Expiration Date Grab Bag 3. I'm-Not-Wearing Pantry 2. Hitler's 1. Bag This!
10. Asking to test drive the AAA receptionist. 9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change basket. 8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at any time. 7. Selling secret handshake to Soviets. 6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to provide erotic stimulation. 5. Calling up the office and asking, "AAA? How do you spell that?" 4. Lewd use of service station air hose. 3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks include Dave's house. 2. Standing up at a meeting and shouting, "I've got a pocketful of red hot lug nuts!" 1. Having personalized license plate reading, "I LUV EBERT."
10. How'd you get in this school? Were you the 100th caller? 9. One word from me and my husband could bomb this dump! 8. How'd you like to kiss some government property? 7. I didn't pick him! My husband did! 6. Know what this finger means? Take a ride on Air Force One! 5. Settle down. Van Halen will be out in a minute. 4. Millie . . . kill! 3. Two words, honey -- depilatory cream. 2. You girls wouldn't know proper etiquette if it bit you on the ass! 1. Read my lips -- take a hike!
10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch. 9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies. 8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language. 7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets. 6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they have qualifications of some kind. 5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest sound like a sissy. 4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands. 3. Happy Meals taste different. 2. Language barrier inhibits execution of "pull-my-finger" trick. 1. Everyone keeps referring to him as "Le Bonehead."
10. When a 3-pronged tuna hook gets caught in your shoulder blade while you're casting. 9. When some joker at the plant batter-dips your car keys. 8. The kids aren't buying her action figure. 7. Getting bread crumbs in a paper cut. 6. Idiots who think she's married to the Pope. 5. That bitch Betty Crocker. 4. Lawsuits filed by accidentally de-boned employees. 3. The flat accusing stare of a dying cod. 2. Wise guys who give you a "Here's your fish stick, lady." 1. Lackluster sales of her new cologne "Bottom-Feeder."
10. Rolling pin vibrator 9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe 8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks 7. Videocassette of movie "Danish Moms" 6. A guy who'll do anything for $50 5. Necklace of human ear 4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage) 3. Combination brass knuckles/cheese slicer 2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating 1. Inflatable Dad
10. The guy at Sears promised it would work fine. 9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling around with a garage door opener. 8. There's a little doohickey rubbing against the part that looks kind of like a cowboy hat. 7. See if you can think straight after 12 days of drinking Tang. 6. Bum with squeegee smeared lens at red light. 5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey Vern!" guy. 4. Those damn raccoons! 3. Shouldn't have used G.E. components. 2. Ran out of quarters. 1. Race of super-evolved galactic beings are screwing with us.
10. Hitler & Himmler's 31 Flavors 9. Really Painful Manicures 8. Do-the-Sharpton-Thing Hair Salon 7. Fish 'n' Lips 6. Jim Jones Juice-a-teria 5. Boozy, Irritable, Big & Tall Men's Shop 4. Ceaucescu's Fashion Optical 3. The Gap 2. Noriega's Nut Hut (under construction) 1. Brown Julius
10. Making sign that reads "Gorbachev" to hold when he picks him up at airport. 9. Baking a really cool cake in the shape of a race car. 8. Looking at hundreds of photos of guys with red spots on their heads until he no longer giggles. 7. Finding best Chernobyl jokes just to break the ice. 6. Learning to say, "Hi. I'm a bonehead." in Russian. 5. Bought a new hand buzzer. 4. Hitchhiking to South Carolina to load up on fireworks. 3. Reviewing East-West economic, social, and military issues so he may advise the President on their global significance. 2. Co-hosting post-summit blowout with Mayor Barry. 1. Practicing his curtsy.
10. No more going to the library topless. 9. Annual production of Chekov's "Three Sisters" replaced by 3-day Stooge-a-Thon. 8. Football team has perfect 0-452 record. 7. Guys often whoop and holler when words like "breast" appear in sensitive poetry. 6. There's going to be some loser named Ned that keeps asking everyone out. 5. They might try to free the men we use in our science experiments. 4. We're shy. 3. Afraid cafeteria walls will be covered with "Dukes of Hazzard" posters. 2. Less beer for the rest of us. 1. They tend to spit a lot.
10. Buy Hallmark's nicest "Let's be friends" card for Lithuania. 9. Go nuts at the Gap. 8. Get matching tattoo on other side of forehead. 7. Stop cheating clock on Domino's delivery guy. 6. Go on a date with Marla Maples. 5. He's going to Disney World! 4. Switch from Slim-Fast to the more expensive Ultra Slim-Fast. 3. Underwear. 2. Can finally say he would like fries with that. 1. Make it May Day every day!
10. Getting showered with 10W-40 in victory lane celebration. 9. Honorary New York City taxi license. 8. Right to represent Earth in Pan-Galactic Monster Truck Rally. 7. Invitation to start Mr. Gotti's car for him. 6. Good chance of meeting Kamaar the Magician backstage at Letterman show. 5. Don't have to shut off lights and lock up speedway like guy who finishes last. 4. Get to throw one free punch at Mr. Goodwrench. 3. Offers of employment from Domino's Pizza. 2. Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big, wet kiss from Jim Nabors. 1. All the Valvoline a guy can drink.
10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million. 9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's the President." 8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes. 7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the street. 6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich. 5. Suck up to Trump. 4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines. 3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore leotards in your life. 2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven. 1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant "Oops!"
10. Metal detectors freed up for use at public pools. 9. East River barge traffic unimpeded by floating truant officers. 8. Impossible to get tickets for big Monet retrospective. 7. Powdered mashed potato wholesaler goes on vacation. 6. Afternoon show at "Strip World" now filled with shop teachers. 5. Movie theater matinees are less crowded. 4. Extra long lines to rob Good Humor man. 3. The libraries are filled with conscientious young people keeping up with their studies. (Sign school is out in Japan.) 2. Lots of alarms are going off. 1. Teachers beginning to heal up.
10. Milk 9. Iced tea 8. Orange juice 7. Perrier 6. Margarine 5. Lettuce 4. Watermelon 3. Cheese 2. Bacon 1. Mushrooms.
10. Had the cable company disconnect Cinemax. 9. Trump Shuttle now used to haul lumber. 8. Attracting a lower class of bimbo. 7. Recently asked advisors how they thought a "Battling Billionaire" character would go over on the pro wrestling circuit. 6. Has been sucking up to Merv. 5. This morning, he had himself evicted. 4. Last week in 7-Eleven was heard saying, "I'm really thirsty" and yet suspiciously did not order a Big Gulp. 3. Now does tacky embarrassing things on a much smaller scale. 2. Just got a paper route. 1. He now takes my calls.
10. Official car starter for Mr. Gotti. 9. Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer. 8. Colombian judge. 7. Co-host on the Today Show. 6. Salesclerk, incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut. 5. Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem. 4. Member of the New Monkees. 3. Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door. 2. Director of security at my house. 1. Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.
10. Still Hazy after All These Years 9. Fall Asleep Anywhere, Anytime 8. How To Make Love to a Shrewish Domineering First Lady 7. Those Parties at Mayor Barry's 6. Hey -- At Least I Didn't Pick Quayle! 5. Nancy Reagan's Autobiography of Ronald Reagan 4. 1001 Sam Donaldson Jokes 3. Uh 2. What? I'm Not Still President? 1. Hey Hinckley -- Pardon This!
10. Two-way wrist radio keeps picking up Larry King. 9. Waiting for "Mumbles" to order in a French restaurant. 8. Wise guys who holler, "Hey! Where's the Batmobile?" 7. When McGruff the Crime Dog borrows trenchcoat and sheds in it. 6. Still haven't figured out ending of "Twin Peaks." 5. Jack Lord always bragging about weather in Hawaii. 4. People who tell off-color stories about J. Edgar Hoover. 3. When Pruneface kids you about "Ishtar." 2. When fellow cops refer to wrist radio as "bracelet." 1. Talk show hosts who pick on your sister.
10. Tie together thousands of lightbulbs; raft down the Colorado River. 9. Warm up chilly water by having kids point lots of blow dryers at the pool. 8. Put on softball mitts; try to catch defective G.E. jet engine parts as they drop from the sky. 7. Fire someone. 6. Try a zesty salad made from arugula and plenty of G.E. 100-watt bulbs! 5. Kids love to play "bury an expensive American-made VCR" at the beach. 4. Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot! 3. Liven up meetings with Defense Department auditors with dozens of bikini-clad hookers. 2. Use your 3-speed fan to make monster daiquiris! 1. Get a G.E. toaster tan!
10. The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller 9. The mesh parachute 8. Clorox coladas 7. The rickety ladder 6. The recipe for New Coke 5. The steel bristle retina brush 4. The Pet Rock 3. The tub toaster 2. The Denny's all-you-can-eat seafood special 1. The Popeil Pocket Suicide Machine
10. New York Harbor given a new coat of oil. 9. Paying Donald Trump $50 to pick Mandela up at airport. 8. Giant pine tree-shaped air freshener hung from Triborough Bridge. 7. NBC employees ripping up scripts of "Baywatch" to use in ticker tape parade. 6. Finally threw a little sawdust on that big puddle of vomit in Times Square. 5. Hot dog vendors required to wear shirts for duration of visit. 4. Set up 3-card Monte table at airport to take him for every cent he's worth the minute he steps off plane. 3. As personal tribute, Howie Mandel adding "A" to his name for the day. 2. Steinbrenner to give Mandela honorary right to fire Stump Merrill. 1. Arrange meeting with Leona Helmsley to tell her what 28 years of prison life will be like.
10. Tour group mauled after teasing Willard during feeding time. 9. Makeup artist scratches arm on Deborah Norville's hair. 8. High-powered floor waxer runs wild; kills a guy. 7. Gene Shalit electrocuted by frayed mike cord; decides to leave his hair that way. 6. Meteor plunges into Bryant's coffee cup; splashes guest George Will. 5. A series of suspicious toupee fires. 4. Unwrapping of forgotten Jane Pauley tuna sandwich knocks out several staffers. 3. Willard attacked by rabid duck at one of those state fairs or wherever the hell it is he goes. 2. Guest on Donahue's "homicidal pyromaniacs" segment wanders into wrong studio. 1. Glare from Joe Garagiola's head blinds boom operator.
10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu. 9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there. 8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool; tapes it for "America's Funniest Home Videos." 7. Two words: malt liquor. 6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather. 5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his grandchildren. 4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I mean. 3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry. 2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head. 1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp factor.
10. Might have to borrow money from Merv. 9. Fear that if he sells Taj Mahal, new owner will turn it into a tacky ostentatious eyesore. 8. Which Lotto number this week? 7. That chili dog he ate at Don King's. 6. Should have had clever comeback for Ted Koppel; not just, "Screw you, melonhead!" 5. Other guys in the shelter snore. 4. Drunk houseboy Ernesto blasting car stereo while lifting weights in garage at 2 a.m. 3. Wondering where he can get his hands on one of those suicide machines. 2. Knowing that in just a few short hours it will once again be time to make the donuts. 1. Marla Mapels.
10. Never have to sit through long boring Nobel Prize banquet. 9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from Coyote. 8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder. 7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "put that in layman's terms." 6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader. 5. Stallone might play you in the movie. 4. Can feel superior to really, really, _really_ dumb guys. 3. Maybe get to be Vice-President. 2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you, and idiot?" 1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.
10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen. 9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza. 8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day. 7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour. 6. A pony for Quayle. 5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore. 4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power. 3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night. (Actually, one of Dave's broken promises.) 2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever. 1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.
10. Prairie dogs who change tires. 9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by a semi. 8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley. 7. Squids that wait for the cable guy. 6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could just photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty paintings. 5. Dolphin who can pass the bar exam for JFK, Jr. 4. Coco Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life. 3. Angry, growling, hissing marigold. 2. Mexican marital-counseling beans. 1. A grinch who steals car radios.
10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wigs falling in your eyes. 9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey, but got carried away. 8. Colonists on steroids. 7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in royal family. 6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey. 5. Serious problems with snuff abuse. 4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats of theirs. 3. We had Batman. 2. Wanted to get first draft choice. 1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"
10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is. 9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands. 8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to take a leak. 7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her pocket without even reading it. 6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size. 5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they can't be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion. 4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel the show. 3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time "foreign withdrawal" is mentioned. 2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee. 1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does for a living.
10. OK, we're serious this time. 9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room. 8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile. 7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake. 6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe. 5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again. 4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there. 3. We're the party without Quayle. 2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home male prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by the way, we plan to raise. 1. Just wait 'til '96!
10. Camp Tick in Beautiful Lyme, Connecticut 9. Camp Geraldo 8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-To-Be-Home Tenting Holidays 7. Amish Computer Camp 6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp 5. Mr. & Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them, Don't Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp 4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids 3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch 2. Camp Sissy-Boy 1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound
10. "You call that Mission Control?" 9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed." 8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!" 7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!" 6. "Hey! Blame gravity!" 5. "I said Venus! Venus!" 4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?" 3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!" 2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey." 1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"
10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth. 9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn. 8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song. 7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac. 6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident. 5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show. 4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo. 3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo. 2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts. 1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the Rockies!
10. Dialing 911. 9. Installing speed bumps to slow down Panzers. 8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white rectangles. 7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep their spirits up. 6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt. 5. Printing up T-shirts that say, "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!" 4. Going a really, really long time without bathing. 3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris. 2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses. 1. Developing top secret stealth cheese.
10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches catcher without bouncing. 9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel. 8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt. 7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year. 6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President. 5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden. 4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video. 3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour. 2. President Tyson. 1. The Yankees making one double play.
10. Making thousands of "FAY SUX" license plates. 9. Trying to keep cellmate from getting to first base. 8. Practicing opening and closing cell door to prepare for future as casino greeter. 7. Playing Tevye in the all-tax evader version of "Fiddler on the Roof." 6. Executing his famous head-first slide over and over until he burrows his way to freedom. 5. Discussing George Will's baseball book with members of the Manson family. 4. Starting the wave during prison riots. 3. Getting a cell ready for Steinbrenner. 2. Leading a seminar in scratching yourself. 1. During softball game in exercise yard, arguing with umpire, getting thrown out of prison.
10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan. 9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling. 8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara. 7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer. 6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his hair. 5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track. 4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court." 3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head. 2. He has the figure for bicycle pants. 1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.
10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar. 9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies. 8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water. 7. Decorative bowls of mercury removed from tables. 6. Counter person now asks, "Would you like the name of a heart specialist with that?" 5. Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in Your Big Mac" game. 4. New combination: salad dressing/sunblock. 3. Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for wallet and jewelry. 2. Mayor McCheese excused from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking cough. 1. Decided to drop Porksicles.
10. Likelihood of getting killed by Eastern plane is same whether you're in it or not. 9. Endorsed by the Suicide Doctor. 8. No delays because of lengthy pre-flight safety checklists. 7. Pilots point out interesting landmarks when they're not yelling, "Mayday!" 6. If you don't, Marty Shugrue will make more of those stupid commercials. 5. Eastern aircraft always get emergency landing priority. 4. Emotional greetings from loved ones even after the most routine flight. 3. Statistically safer than marrying Jerry Lee Lewis. 2. Passengers encouraged to tinker. 1. Because you're feeling lucky.
10. Can he lift a gavel? 9. He's not managed by Don King, is he? 8. What's with the parrot? 7. Will he do everything in his power to change America's terribly restrictive speed limits thus allowing our most beloved television personality to drive as fast as he wants? 6. Will he pet on a second date? 5. Where does he stand on the tastes great/less filling controversy? 4. What's his sign? (Zodiac Killer only) 3. Why are he and Batman never in the same room at the same time? 2. Does he know Wapner? 1. Who died and made him judge?
10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them. 9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit. 8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants. 7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on Christmas. 6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the grave of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker. 5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging information on a million dollar player. 4. Will eventually die and go to hell. 3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes tons of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay one cent in taxes. 2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each home game. 1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance to suck.
10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN. 9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines. 8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger. 7. Heard they were manufacturing bootleg Simpsons T-shirts. 6. To impress Jodie Foster. 5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration date. 4. Heard rumor Jessica McClure trapped in well in Kuwait. 3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the Moon. 2. Yeah. Like a Middle-East madman needs an excuse to invade somebody. 1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border.
10. Super spelling 9. Lightning-fast mood swings 8. Really bendy thumb 7. Can breathe soup 6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels 5. Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle 4. Ability to get tickets to Goodwill Games 3. Power to score with other superheroes' wives 2. Ability to communicate with corn 1. Magnetic colon
10. Don't phone ahead. 9. Start with something easy -- like France. 8. Make sure everybody uses the restroom before your armored columns rumble across international borders. 7. Don't feed raccoons at KOA campsites. 6. Nerve gas: don't leave home without it. 5. If Nightline calls, make sure Ted Koppel's doing show, not Forrest Sawyer. 4. Take along a gift for the host -- for example, a puppet regime. 3. Point out that people liked the British Invasion of the '60's. 2. Bring plenty of change for the tollbooths. 1. Don't just race through a country. Take some time to smell the goats.
10. "What are you looking at?" 9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license." 8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?" 7. "I'm an excellent driver." 6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!" 5. "I'm cleaning my oven." 4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?" 3. "Hey! That's my car!" 2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac." 1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering pizza."
10. Things that won't set off airport security 9. Nicknames for sand 8. Famous Mohammeds 7. At home with Hitler 6. Games played with a human head 5. Ways to lose a hand 4. 23 letter words 3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins 2. Sounds like "Shi'ite" 1. Broadway show tunes
10. I'm addicted -- to public service! 9. America's Funniest Home Video. 8. Just Say Yes. 7. I'm a Kennedy 6. He's ready to personally confiscate drugs 5. Let's put a little Colombia into the District of Columbia. 4. Hey -- Here's your Justice Department, pal! 3. He'll get the hookers off the streets -- and into the hotel rooms. 2. Imagine the victory party! 1. I'm Barry Barry sorry.
10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter. 9. Hijackings every hour on the hour. 8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference. 7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines. 6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do impressions?" 5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?" 4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President. 3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's practically giving it away! 2. Marry Cher. 1. Try the McRibs.
10. Huggable 9. Busty 8. John Tesh-obsessed 7. Amish 6. Stoogeophile 5. Fahrvergnugen 4. Bitchin' 3. Yankee fan 2. Sane 1. Drop-dead gorgeous
10. Calling 911 to report his country stolen. 9. Sitting alone in Hilton lounge arranging maraschino cherry stems to spell, "Iraq sucks." 8. Waiting on tables; going to auditions. 7. Writing a novel about an exiled Arab ruler who falls in love with a rich American chick. 6. Enjoying free pizza after free pizza from Dominos. 5. Memorizing all the lyrics to "American Pie." 4. Listening to wife say for millionth time, "I told you we should have had an army!" 3. Flogging the camel -- if you know what I mean. 2. Lots of long luxurious bubble baths. 1. Night manager at Riyadh Burger King.
10. No shortage of starter pistols. 9. Already have cute mascot -- Lou the Giant Rat. 8. New York Yankees set tone for amateur athletics. 7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists. 6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to root in person for their home countries. 5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile jumping. 4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient monorail system. 3. Room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place. 2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck burns where gold medals used to be. 1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming.
10. The Opticians 9. The Groinpullers 8. The Fragile Porcelain Mice 7. The Fightin' Amish 6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks 5. The Velveteen Rabbits 4. The Referee Killers 3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes 2. The Greasy Ferrets 1. The Highly Paid Dumb Guys
10. Airbags installed in headboards of all beds. 9. Popular "whipped cream treatment" now uses government surplus cheese. 8. A simple half and half now involves hours of paperwork. 7. Chipped beef on toast. 6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work. 5. Easygoing low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal Service. 4. Etching of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford. 3. Name changed to Fort Dix. 2. Main gate marked by billboard of pantless Uncle Sam. 1. T-shirts in gift shop say: "I got screwed by the government."
10. Assure him he's just as maniacal as the day you met. 9. Leave little notes in his holster. 8. A little Woolite gets poison gas from most of your fine washables. 7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil off. 6. Double date with the Khadafys. 5. Freshly pressed slacks make a nice impression on forcibly detained civilians. 4. Always offer to go first through a minefield. 3. When bowling keep telling him, "Boy, those pins really fly when you hit them!" 2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car. 1. Goat casserole -- and plenty of it!
10. Rosenbergs also gave KGB formula for McDonalds' secret sauce. 9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak. 8. Instigated long-term Soviet plan to destabilize New York Yankees management. 7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime." 6. Castro? Gay. 5. Duet with Kenny Rogers. 4. Had names for each of his facial warts. 3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now" technique. 2. Dreamed of ground-breaking primetime show featuring cops that sing. 1. Most frightening moment in his life: seeing Brezhnev naked.
10. Ewww! Gross! 9. May I once again request that the District Attorney refrain from giggling? 8. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing here? 7. Why, Rusty the bailiff -- he's trembling! 6. Thanks for taking a personal interest in this case, Congressman Frank. 5. Didn't he get burned stirring his coffee that way? 4. And these were taken by the Hubble telescope? 3. Hey, how about these Bengals? 2. Wait a minute -- that's Neil Bush! 1. No, no -- I said subpoena!
10. General Grant played by ALF. 9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud vs. bottles of Bud Light. 8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers." 7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the wheel of a cool talking car. 6. Early in war, Lincoln replaces McClellan with Deborah Norville. 5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas comments, "That's gotta hurt!" 4. More emphasis on Matthew Brady's photographs of swimsuit models. 3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton. 2. Lincoln shot while watching taping of "The Golden Girls." 1. Would have pit Fanelli brother against Fanelli brother.
10. Can use poison gas on paper route customers who don't tip. 9. Can cash check without I.D. at Baghdad Winn-Dixie. 8. On your birthday, can have Abu Nidal dressed as clown drive truck-bomb into cake. 7. Though completely unqualified, can get high-paying job with Iraqi savings and loan. 6. Those madman-to-madman chats with Dad. 5. Can take a leak in the fountain at the mall. 4. Since he doesn't work for NBC, he's eligible to play McMillions game! 3. Can annoy celebrities, browbeat bandleader, and whine to audience (perks of being David Letterman). 2. One phonecall from Dad gets you a safe cushy position with National Guard. 1. When you turn 21, you get Kuwait.
10. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem. 9. Decide which Elvis picture goes on new 50-Mark note. 8. Confirm arrangements for gorillagram announcements sent to all world leaders. 7. Interview Emir of Kuwait as possible new leader. 6. Send out Quayle's invitation now, so it's sure to arrive late. 5. One final giddy night of East-West tensions. 4. For entertainment at ceremony, choreograph 100 Hitler impersonators. 3. Thank Letterman for orchestrating this whole reunification thing. 2. Stock up on Champale. 1. Practice saying, "We're going to Disneyland!"
10. Smiled for a few seconds, then back to serious thoughts. 9. Bought Sandra Day O'Connor robe from Victoria's Secret. 8. Marched into judicial supply store and announced, "The gavels are on me!" 7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith blasting. 6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over. 5. Made paper hat out of U.S. Constitution, filled it with beer, put it on. 4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush money. 3. Ate his usual cottage cheese lunch off the chest of a $1,000-a-night hooker. 2. Made prank call to guy who won the McMillions contest. 1. Gave a big wet kiss to Thurgood Marshall.
10. Don't tailgate: car bomb on board. 9. Have you hugged your hostage today? 8. If we could vote, I'd vote "Yes" on bond issue 6. 7. If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical weapons. 6. I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park. 5. Baghdad Wolverines: 1986 Division Champions. 4. Gay and proud of it. 3. I brake for Kuwaitis, then shoot them, and loot their homes. 2. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK. 1. Honk if you still have hands.
10. Sewing bedsheets into hot air balloon so he can float over walls and fly to OTB. 9. Working on children's book: "Roy, the Elf with the Gambling Addiction." 8. Chess by mail with George Steinbrenner. 7. Co-authoring investment guide with Neil Bush. 6. Conjugal visits from San Diego Chicken. 5. Dining with Leona. 4. License plates! License plates! License plates! 3. Digging like crazy with tablespoon to get to Oakland by seventh game of World Series. 2. Asking guards every five minutes if his sentence is up yet. 1. Laundry.
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died. 9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the United States. 8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but he's a dog. Really. 7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House. 6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle. 5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman. 4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two? It's three at least! 3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will! 2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!" 1. A guy from Pluto.
10. Announce a new nerve gas with a fresh pine scent. 9. Play bass with Sting at next rain forest concert. 8. Really nail the talent portion of the competition. 7. Go to McDonald's 28 days straight. Watch NBC. Win McMillions. Donate it to charity. 6. Locate the guy who really played Buckwheat. 5. Never be seen in public without cute baby kitten on shoulder. 4. Orchestrate David Lee Roth/Van Halen reunion. 3. Announce he's cutting back on schedule to aggressively pursue having a baby. 2. Get guy who decides prize a couple of hookers. 1. By killing himself.
10. Thought it was best out of 17. 9. Too worried about budget crisis to concentrate on game. 8. A very lucrative offer from Pete Rose. 7. Hard-of-hearing equipment manager filled bats with pork. 6. Afraid winners would get kissed by Morganna. 5. Tired from trying to talk Sinead O'Connor into singing national anthem. 4. Opposite team shouted "Swing!" when we got bad pitches. 3. Pulled abdominal muscles laughing at "The David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists" from Pocket Books -- a division of Simon & Schuster. 2. At the last minute, Canseco wanted his soul back. 1. Too busy choreographing nude locker room dance number for female reporters.
10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen. 9. Won't wear same color tights at social gatherings. 8. He has to clean up after his own Super Dog. 7. No kryptonite knick-knacks. 6. Lois must have Batman tattoo surgically removed. 5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go back in time and put toilet seat down. 4. No use of heat vision around Ms. Lane's collection of decorative soaps. 3. Christmas Day with her folks; Protonium Even with his. 2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the Plaza Hotel. 1. Superman prohibited from using X-ray vision at beach.
10. His office is on the D train. 9. Also promises to paint any car for $99.95. 8. Last name Mengele. 7. You're in what seems like a long tunnel and at the end is some light and the beckoning forms of loved ones who passed on years before. 6. Giggles uncontrollably when he hears the word "penis." 5. Keeps asking, "Is somebody frying baloney?" 4. In middle of exam says, "Ever heard of a show called Totally Hidden Video?" 3. Diagnoses arterial swelling of thoraxic metatarsus as a lymphnodic disorder. 2. Frequently wonders if you're getting enough fudge in your diet. 1. After he asks you to cough, says, "OK, now my turn."
10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead. 9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look cheap. 8. Add Morey Amsterdam. 7. Elegant new "Washington's Nose Cafe." 6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing. 5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Washington's ears. 4. Gag space that says: "Reserved for Dan Quayle." 3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the Three Stooges. 2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows. 1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.
10. Checked into the wooden Waldorf. 9. No longer eligible for census. 8. Dropping both AT&T and MCI. 7. Your highway taxes at work. 6. Upcoming guest on 20/20. 5. He's fallen and he can't get up. 4. Resting his organs. 3. McRibs (for a limited time only) 2. Kicked the oxygen habit. 1. Bought a Yugo.
10. Ask really nicely. 9. Tell Hussein he's won tickets to Giants game. As soon as he sits down -- nab him! 8. Remind him that McRibs are for a limited time only. 7. Have phone company call every Iraqi soldier. Tell them they have to be home the next day between 8 and 5. 6. Explain that what he's done is wrong. Then bomb him back to the Stone Age. 5. Mention the old story about the place being haunted. 4. Convince him it's the senseless irrational thing to do. 3. Creep him out by having CIA ventriloquists make his pets say stuff like: "Get out of Kuwait!" 2. Tell him you heard they were giving out fudge in Pakistan. 1. Get Charles Bronson to "clean house."
10. Win stuff found in ZZ Top's beards. 9. Do time for James Brown. 8. Locked-in-Sting's-car-trunk fantasy weekend. 7. A date with Cher (must be under 16). 6. Win Michael Jackson's old nose. 5. Actually get to be one of the New Monkees -- not for a day, but forever! 4. 100th caller gets to have dinner with 101st caller. 3. Shirt shopping with Paul Shaffer. 2. Peter, Paul, and you! 1. Try on Meatloaf's pants.
10. Tired of using graffiti-covered bats. 9. He misses earthquakes. 8. Will get to sleep three hours later every day. 7. Tommy Lasorda puts on much better post-game buffet than Bud Harrelson. 6. Would rather get shot at on freeway than on subway. 5. No more really good -- I mean really good -- I mean get up and shout for joy musicals on Broadway. 4. Life seems so empty without best friend Tom Carvel. 3. He's probably the Zodiac Killer. 2. Dodger Stadium has breathtaking view of ocean. 1. Tie: soaring crime rate/no tar pits.
10. Split Pea & Hamster 9. Swanson's Sweaty Man Dinner 8. Hot 'n' Hearty Microbe Casserole 7. Scorched Canadian Geese Extracted from Commercial Jet Engines 6. Al Sharpton's Veal Medallions 5. Jolly Green Giant's Assorted Elf Parts 4. I Can't Believe It's Not Perch! 3. Old-Fashioned Singed Tabby 2. John Gotti's Guys-Who-Crossed-Me Stew 1. Freak Show Sushi
10. Don King's nude scene. 9. Fight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen. 8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father. 7. Rocky's new manager Fred McMurray puts flubber in Rocky's gloves. Rocky knocks opponent to Mars. 6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn. 5. Rocky goes back into the ring to fight a younger, stronger opponent and even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him, digs down and musters all of the courage and heart he can and -- you'll never believe this -- wins anyway! 4. Lovable character Chewbacca dies. 3. Weatherman Al Roker looks even bigger than last year. (A surprise of "Live at 5.") 2. That the referee didn't stop the series at "Rocky III." 1. You paid $7.50 to see it.
10. Bring note from Rusty the bailiff. 9. Ask if you get to execute criminals personally. 8. Keep saying very loudly, "Hey -- who's frying baloney?" 7. Every five minutes point to different person in courtroom and yell, "He did it!" 6. Say you're looking forward to hearing judge sing -- like on "Cop Rock." 5. Ask if there will be opportunities to examine bloody undershirts. 4. Fly into a rage whenever Norwegians are mentioned. 3. Respond to every question, "Let me talk to the little man who lives in my pants." 2. Tell them you've already done jury duty on "Matlock." 1. Ask the judge if he's wearing Aramis.
10. Hint o' Lint 100's 9. Sleepy's Mattress-Flashers 8. Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific 7. Benson & Hedge Trimmings. 6. Die-Before-Your-Kid-Goes-To-College Lights 5. L&M Turkish Prison Standards 4. Ozark Eddie's Mentholated Skeeter Chasers 3. Marion Barry "Extras" 2. Mr. Butt 1. Oscar Mayer Smokable Weenies
10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, and Vanilli. 9. Camp counselors in Father Flanagan's Pretty Boys Town. 8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercials. 7. Try to sell Ben and Jerry's on idea for "Milli Vanilla." 6. Cartoon pals to Chilly Willy. 5. Professional object of scorn and ridicule for years to come. 4. Fact-checkers at 20/20 (Buckwheat division). 3. Even Newer Kids on the Block. 2. Extremely groovy fry cooks. 1. Who cares? Just so long as we don't hear from them ever again.
10. Taking a hooker to the Mayflower Hotel. 9. Traveling over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's crack den. 8. Go to supermarket, try to fit three frozen turkeys in pants. 7. Al Sharpton's Sports Festive Sweet Potato Medallion. 6. Get spot on roof of building for Macy's parade; try to spit on Santa. 5. Free slivers of ham placed in taxicab change slots. 4. Fun pilgrim hat drawn on all chalk body outline. 3. Family gathers at table holds hand and recites the Miranda rights. 2. Turning off the Jets game after first quarter. 1. Finish your meal, loosen your belt, then doze off until the manager of the Sizzler calls the cops.
10. Every time a float goes by, scream at the top of lungs: "She's gonna blow!" 9. Asking total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders. 8. Going up on Macy's roof; "fishing" for Willard's toupee. 7. Throwing hotel keys onto float with Little Bo Peep. 6. Rubbing Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair; sticking it on the Chrysler Building. 5. Cold-cocking Santa; taking his place dressed as Roy Orbison. 4. Entering your own float: The Life-Size Beat-Up Camaro with 15 Dudes Crammed in It. 3. Taking a leak off the side of the reviewing stand. 2. Go on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day parade is. 1. Marching pantsless.
10. Loudly giving thanks for Saddam Hussein just in case the house is bugged. 9. Turkey carved by oldest family member who still has hands. 8. Watching the Baghdad Bengals beat the Jets. 7. Stuffing the turkey with plastic explosives. 6. Go to Adrian's Mom's house and hang around (one of Rocky's Thanksgiving traditions). 5. Eat huge pile of sand; doze off in front of TV. 4. Watch Macy's parade via satellite; renew vow to kill Willard Scott. 3. Slow cook turkey with poison gas. 2. Put on foam clown noses; squirt each other with seltzer (a wacky Thanksgiving tradition). 1. Have nice dinner; take over small, defenseless country.
10. All those men in powdered wigs hanging around. 9. During summits, getting hair done with Mrs. Mitterand. 8. All the free sample stuff from the Wham-O company. 7. Taking the lift up to the flat or the pram or the telly or whatever the hell they call it. 6. Winning fortune in bar bets by claiming he could screw the Prime Minister. 5. Using that "10 Downing Street" address and having Dominos deliver in 5 minutes. 4. Going through Churchill's collection of old Playboy's. 3. Those Saturday nights when he and Maggie would finish entire bottle of Jack Daniels and start making up some laws. 2. Weekly saunas with Benny Hill. 1. The admiration of unemployed, freeloading husbands everywhere.
10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion." 9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times. 8. He was raised by white mice. 7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli. 6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves. 5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory. 4. Two words: Asian escorts. 3. Has small vestigial wings. 2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say, "Oops!" whenever they fall down. 1. That ain't butter.
10. Big Oily Lion of the Desert 9. Allah's L'il Buddy 8. Inventor of the Pet Rock 7. King of the Future Taxi Drivers 6. Goodwill Ambassador for the Kinney Shoe Company (recently revoked) 5. Guardian of the Men's Room Key, Baghdad Sunoco 4. That Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy 3. Miss Nude Canada, 1986 2. Underestimator of U.S. Military Might Which Could Blow His Butt from Here to Mars 1. The Hardest Working Tyrant in Show Business
10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken 9. Sand-in-the-Box 8. Saddam's Big Boy 7. Goats 'n' Stuff 6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop 5. Donkey Hut 4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts 3. Tony Roma's 2. Taco Tent 1. Stuff Your Hump
10. At recent state dinner, kept goosing Belgian ambassador. 9. Constantly calls Time-Life operators, chats for hours and never orders anything. 8. In interview with Hugh Downs, passed himself off as Buckwheat. 7. Tried to get service in 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes. 6. Recently caught living in my house claiming to be Mrs. Letterman. 5. Can suddenly understand everything Shirley MacLaine says. 4. Opened discount electronics store and is selling things at prices so low he's practically giving them away! 3. Thinks he has a red spot on his head. 2. Put everything he had on the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl. 1. Shoots out TV every time Robert Goulet comes on.
10. To begin teaching him the value of money. 9. He has to replace the crayons he ate. 8. His father threatened to make trouble. 7. To match the salary of Millie, the White House dog. 6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an entire industry? 5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek conventions. 4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War. 3. To keep the money out of the hands of undeserving teachers and firefighters. 2. Oh what the hell -- they're only giving him play money anyway. 1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.
10. Just try it once -- that's all we ask. 9. The quicker putter downer. 8. Isn't it about time you took an honest look at your stinking miserable life? 7. From the people who brought you "The Clapper." 6. Impress the chicks in hell. 5. Claus von Bulow says, "I liked it so much, I bought the company!" 4. While I'm killing myself, I'm also cleaning my oven. 3. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you! 2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes -- it's free! 1. We're not the heartbeat of America.
10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats. 9. Tinsel lung. 8. Mistakenly drinking paint. 7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea. 6. When a reindeer takes a leak on you. 5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into giant gas turbines. 4. Ringworm. 3. Two words: lawn darts. 2. Fired when G.E. takes over company. 1. Hammer fights.
10. Two white male elves caught shoplifting condoms at Pay 'n' Save. 9. Santa stabbed for his jacket. 8. Broke up domestic squabble between Dancer and Prancer. 7. Female polar bear at disco allegedly fondled by Mike Tyson. 6. Frosty the snowman caught taking a leak in subway; claimed he was just "melting." 5. Unidentified 3' 6" male wearing pointy cap and bells on shoes shot dead while dining at local Italian eatery. 4. Santa's sleigh found completely stripped 5,000 miles away on Cross-Bronx Expressway. 3. Woman keeps breaking into Santa's home claiming to be Mrs. Claus. 2. Issued warning at frat party to turn down the Burl Ives records. 1. Arrested 35-year-old white male who refused to get off Santa's lap.
10. Didn't want to buy Christmas gifts for all the other guys in the Politburo. 9. Offered chance to be opening act for Yakov Smirnoff. 8. Got a good deal on a house in Chernobyl. 7. Tired of falling for Boris Yeltsin's "pull my finger" trick. 6. Strangely found himself increasingly attracted to Gorbachev. 5. Kremlin wouldn't come up with Canseco dollars. 4. He's developing a show for Russian television about cops who sing. 3. Decided to follow the Grateful Dead full-time. 2. Got hit on head with bowling ball; now he thinks he's Ralph Kramden. 1. Found out there was more chance for advancement at Moscow McDonalds.
10. The Sunbeam Six-Slice Shower Toaster. 9. Raymond Burr's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videocassette. 8. New York Jets playoff tickets. 7. The Devout Muslim Nation Joke Book. 6. The Black & Decker Forehead Sander. 5. Bag of Live Mice. 4. Super-Itchy Slipper-Socks from Super-Itchy Technologies, Hartford, Connecticut. 3. Dr. Kevorkian's Suicide Machine. 2. Cop Rock Junior Soprano Detective Kit. 1. "Lick Me" -- The Board Game.
10. The Ben-Gay Bowl 9. The White Guys All-Star Game 8. The Cupless Classic 7. The Festival of Big Sweaty Men on Steroids 6. I Don't Think It's a Fracture But I Can't Be Sure Until We Take Some X-Rays Bowl 5. Saddam Hussein's Scrimmage unto Death 4. The Guys Who Came Really Close To Passing Their Drug Test Classic 3. The Tournament of Hoses 2. Sissy Boy Slap Party 1. Manute Bowl
10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy" remark. 9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the elephant. 8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got her's to. 7. Eat a zillion M&M's. 6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" 5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him. 4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say, "What a funny hat!" 3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie." 2. Three words: catch road runner. 1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.
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