Late Night
with David Letterman
Top Ten List Archive for 1990

January 9, 1990

Top 10 Things the Nuncio Will Miss About Noriega

10. The way he'd sing "The Pina Colada Song" in the shower.
 9. The thoughtful way he cleaned up after his voodoo blood rituals.
 8. Made everybody else feel better about their complexions.
 7. His fabulous collection of Miami Sound Machine albums.
 6. The way you could make him jump 10 feet in the air by popping a
    paper bag.
 5. Two words: balloon animals.
 4. The way he'd treat for pizza when his CIA checks arrived.
 3. That he didn't act like a big celebrity -- like Mickey Rooney did
    when he stayed here.
 2. His Dan Quayle jokes.
 1. Simply the fluffiest blueberry pancakes on the isthmus.

January 10, 1990

Top 10 Defense Arguments of Noriega's Lawyers

10. Was loopy on Stridex fumes.
 9. Desperate crush on Ted Koppel made him try anything to get on
 8. Typographical error; thought he was selling "rugs."
 7. Just following advice in book: "Stay in Power the Ceausescu Way."
 6. You think it's easy supporting a wife, two kids, a mistress, and
    hookers on a measly president's salary?
 5. Traumatized in childhood by death of parents -- which he killed.
 4. Was doing it all to impress Jodie Foster.
 3. If his last name was Letterman he'd just get his drivers license
 2. PMS.
 1. If a dictator can't run drugs, launder money, and torture
    opponents, what kind of world are we living in?

January 17, 1990

Top 10 New AT&T Slogans

10. We'll put the 100th caller through!
 9. Committed to reviving the lost art of letter writing.
 8. H-H-H-H-Hello?
 7. Less talk. More rock.
 6. You try figuring out complicated computer software after drinking
    a bottle of Nyquil.
 5. You might as well talk into your blow dryer.
 4. Oh yeah, like the Post Office delivers every single letter.
 3. Reach out and touch MCI.
 2. Let your fingers do something else.
 1. Damn it! It's Cliff Robertson's fault!

January 18, 1990

Top 10 Exhibits at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

10. Michael Jackson's original nose.
 9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn.
 8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't open.
 7. The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the
 6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay.
 5. The record company weasel petting zoo.
 4. Great moments with Mr. Mister.
 3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a tribute to opening acts.
 2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry Hill."
 1. Ride the wild Cher.

January 19, 1990

Top 10 Marion Barry Excuses

10. Went to hotel for free HBO.
 9. Used drugs to escape daily nightmare of having first name
 8. Just helping out Dick and Ed with their "Bloopers and Practical
    Joke" show.
 7. As mayor has duty to greet foreign dignitaries -- you know, like
    from Columbia.
 6. Bush asked him to buy it so he could hold it up during next TV
 5. Started as craving for mints on pillow -- and then just got out of
 4. Doing what he could to keep drugs from our young people.
 3. Always thought that frying egg in TV drug commercial looked pretty
 2. Drug dealers?! I thought they were prostitutes!
 1. If buying crack and getting high in cheap hotel rooms is a crime
    -- why isn't Barbara Bush in jail?

January 30, 1990

Top 10 Second Half Cheers of Denver Bronco Fans

10. Hold 'em under a hundred!
 9. More magazines!
 8. All we need is 25 field goals!
 7. Oh, for the sweet release of death!
 6. Drug tests! Drug tests!
 5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave us with our dig-ni-tee!
 4. Hey! That big San Francisco guy was shoving!
 3. Start the bus! Start the bus!
 2. Two, four, six, eight . . . aw, screw it!
 1. Wait 'til the Pro Bowl!

January 31, 1990

Top 10 Audience Lipstick Colors

10. Joan Taub, Canyon Rose.
 9. Lissette Vega, Copper Glaze Sienna.
 8. Elaine Kleiner, Red or Not.
 7. Mary Manganelli, Rhubarb.
 6. Anna Li, Mauvelous.
 5. Sharon Daley, True Chocolate from Ultima II.
 4. Louisa Meline, Sandalwood Beige.
 3. Fred Orne, Blistex with Sunscreen (SPF 10).
 2. Leonida Rodriguez, Mandarin.
 1. Robin Melnick, All-Day Power Pink.

February 1, 1990

Top 10 Things Overheard at Our First Show

10. I think he used to play Chip on "My Three Sons."
 9. It would be a shame if that bandleader ever lost his magnificent
    head of hair.
 8. My name is Dave -- and I'm here to sing! Sing! Sing!
 7. Oh no! Not Kamarr the Magician!
 6. You can't come in here, Mr. Snyder. Your show was canceled.
 5. When's he gonna take out those gag teeth?
 4. Can you use the restroom upstairs? We're doing a show in here.
 3. I can't believe Lord Melman would stoop to doing American
 2. I sat through the show. Now where's my tote bag?
 1. He's no Dinah.

8th Anniversary Special - February 1, 1990

Top 10 Reasons To Keep Watching the Show

10. When you're not watching the show, we make fun of you.
 9. You never know when I'll come out drunk and slug a cameraman.
 8. You can sit there naked. We really don't care.
 7. If our viewership falls off, little Snuggles the fabric softener
    bear dies.
 6. If you don't, Paul will have to go back to the Ice Capades.
 5. To keep G.E. executives knee-deep in hookers and gin.
 4. One of the killers we profile may be living next door to you.
 3. The wall is down, Noriega is out, don't stop us now!
 2. So you can say you were watching the night I was replaced by
    Deborah Norville.
 1. Because, well, I'm no good at this kind of thing -- but damn it --
    I love you!

February 2, 1990

Top 11 Rejected Life-Savers Flavors

11. Disembowelmint
10. Pineapple Noriega
 9. Marion-berry
 8. Smouldering Wig
 7. Fruit-of-the-Loom
 6. Sonny 'n' Cherry
 5. Anton Fig
 4. No. 10 Steel Lock Washers
 3. Suck This
 2. Manson Mint
 1. Rashberry

February 6, 1990

Top 10 Fun Things About Being Mikhail Gorbachev

10. Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO.
 9. Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word.
 8. Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and selling the footage
    to Dan Rather.
 7. On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be first one to sit in
 6. Constitutionally empowered to strip search any citizen.
 5. The Whammo company is always sending free stuff.
 4. Counter guys at Moscow McDonalds usually slip in a couple of extra
 3. Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal.
 2. Gets to play Santa at end of May Day parades.
 1. Raisa after two glasses of wine.

February 7, 1990

Top 10 Complaints of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models

10. Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos.
 9. Ever since Paulina started dating Ric Ocasek, goofy looking guys
    actually think they have a shot with us.
 8. Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison.
 7. Exxon tankers.
 6. Sleazy late night talk shows where the bandleader makes a clumsy
    pass at you.
 5. The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot.
 4. Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas.
 3. People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q.
 2. Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone
    looking at a picture of you.
 1. That damn sand gets in everything.

February 9, 1990

Top 10 Ways CBS Can Fill that Extra Minute on Sixty Minutes

10. Let Dan Rather show some fake war footage.
 9. Ed Bradley and Morley Safer have a belching contest.
 8. Sixty seconds with Jimmy the Greek.
 7. Show the Mike Tyson/Buster Douglas fight -- twice.
 6. New closing in which reporters link arms and sing "Happy Trails."
 5. Have Mike Wallace share with viewers his hair-coloring tips.
 4. On-the-air auction of Andy Rooney's personal possessions.
 3. Bloopers from earlier in the show.
 2. Just show that neat ticking clock a little longer.
 1. Microwave waffles!

February 14, 1990

Top 10 Dog Thoughts

10. Oh well, nobody here in heat....
 9. I'm a real-life steel magnolia.  (This list was a video one)
 8. What the hell are you looking at?
 7. I still miss Lorne Greene.
 6. Somebody please kill me!
 5. Why doesn't the government do something about mange.
 4. What the hell kind of barber shop is this?
 3. Lambada!
 2. Come back to Jamaica.
 1. Hey, Steinbrenner -- you suck!

February 15, 1990

Top 10 Perrier Slogans

10. Dangerous toxins, yes! Cholesterol, no!
 9. Kills bugs dead!
 8. Take the Perrier challenge!
 7. The favorite chaser of Kitty Dukakis.
 6. A wholly owned subsidiary of Exxon.
 5. Slightly better than drinking from those puddles in the subway.
 4. It's high-octane enjoyment!
 3. The drink that made Milwaukee nauseous!
 2. Goes perfect with Chilean grapes!
 1. Coming soon -- our new kerosene flavor!

February 16, 1990

Donald Trump's Top 10 Pick-Up Lines

10. How'd you like to be a New York Post headline?
 9. Haven't I evicted you somewhere before?
 8. You don't know Marvin Mitchelson, do you?
 7. Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle?
 6. I'd like to do to you what I did to Merv.
 5. Can I introduce you to Don King?
 4. Hello. I'm Donald Trump.
 3. Tired of always running to the automatic cash machine?
 2. I'm good friends with Dave Letterman.
 1. That is a roll of hundreds in my pocket -- and I'm glad to see

February 20, 1990

Top 10 New Names for the Reunited Germany

10. Keggerland
 9. Just Plain Volks
 8. Siegfried & Roy
 7. Aryan Acres
 6. Argentina East
 5. The Love Shack
 4. Nazichusetts
 3. Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor
 2. Home of Das Whopper
 1. Cindy

February 21, 1990

Top 10 Provisions in the Bushs' Prenuptial Agreement

10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed.
 9. Even split of all Lotto winnings.
 8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks.
 7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot
    at "I Dream of Jeannie."
 6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions.
 5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided
 4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the
 3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by
    shutting eyes and picking name out of phone book.
 2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the
 1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.

February 22, 1990

Top 10 Good Things about a Baseball Strike

10. San Diego Chicken will be forced to get a real job.
 9. Gives public time to get used to a commissioner named "Fay."
 8. Nike can launch ad campaign for "Bo knows picket lines."
 7. Chance to round up hundreds of potential Yankee managers.
 6. It will be fun to watch Morganna run out to kiss pro bowlers.
 5. Allow time for that bright orange nacho cheese stuff to really
 4. Cleveland fans can boast that Indians are tied for first place.
 3. Newspapers have more room to devote to Marla Maples.
 2. Frees up unused astroturf for my new hairpiece.
 1. Gives indoor lacrosse a fighting chance.

February 23, 1990

Top 10 Things Reagan Does Remember

10. He used to live in a big white house.
 9. That bastard Sam Donaldson.
 8. Those great parties at Marion Barry's.
 7. Daughter Maureen's weight (within 150 pounds).
 6. Where Nancy doesn't like to be touched.
 5. The name, address, and Social Security number of each and every
    one of his black supporters.
 4. If you need a hooker, call Bill Holden.
 3. 4:30 -- time for Wapner!
 2. That Jodie Foster is a real trouble maker.
 1. Falling off a horse and that's about it.

February 27, 1990

Top 10 Daniel Ortega's Excuses

10. Intentionally threw election to make millions on rematch.
 9. Didn't want to do "I'm going to DisneyWorld" commercial.
 8. Many voters thought "Sandinistas" were Pepperidge Farm cookies.
 7. Picked young empty-headed senator as running mate.
 6. Too little campaigning, too much Marla Maples.
 5. Voters always pick the bustier candidate.
 4. Couldn't deliver on promise to get Managua an arena football team.
 3. She used steroids.
 2. Screw it. Germany's going to rule the world anyway.
 1. Let's face it -- communism sucks.

March 1, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular Oscar Meyer Lunchmeats

10. Pulled Hamstring
 9. Gristleami
 8. Smoked Schwarzenegger
 7. Hoffaloney
 6. Eva Braunshweiger
 5. San Diego Chicken Roll
 4. Joseph Bologna
 3. Smokey Pittsburgh Senorita
 2. Hey -- Those Aren't Pimentos!
 1. [Sorry, had a VCR glitch]

March 2, 1990

Top 10 Chapter Titles in the Exxon Employees Manual

10. F U CN RD THS -- You Can Captain a Supertanker!
 9. Giving Sea Otters the Pat Riley "Wet Look."
 8. What We Can Learn from Perrier.
 7. Jack Daniels: Everybody's First Mate.
 6. Like You Never Took a Leak in a Pool.
 5. "Did You See Those Giant Lobsters?!": Finding a Good Alibi.
 4. Viva Versus Bounty: Which Is the Quicker Picker Upper?
 3. Polluting New Jersey: Like Who's Gonna Notice?
 2. Tossing the Empties Overboard.
 1. Compass Shmompass!

March 20, 1990

Top 10 Provisions in the New Baseball Contract

10. To avoid embarrassment, Fay Vincent will now go by the name of
 9. For reasons too complicated to explain, the San Diego Chicken will
    be put to sleep.
 8. Permission to transmit or otherwise rebroadcast games now given by
    Frank Sinatra.
 7. Before TV revenues are divided up, Pete Rose will be given chance
    to double them.
 6. Strictly enforced "no tongue" rule for Morganna.
 5. New expansion team made up of Steve Garvey's kids.
 4. Rule change: team wins if you hit Steinbrenner with a foul ball.
 3. All parties agree: Miller Lite is "less filling," does not "taste
 2. On opening day at Yankee Stadium, Babe Ruth's last surviving
    hooker will throw out first ball.
 1. Pepper!

March 21, 1990

Top 10 Tips for Traveling Greyhound

10. Duck.
 9. Check to see if driver's name is "Hazelwood."
 8. As a courtesy, allow passengers with flesh wounds to exit first.
 7. Brand new drivers can be conned into dropping you off right at
    your front door.
 6. Before boarding bus, stick giant decal over Greyhound logo that
    says, "Uncle Teddy's Bible Camp, Millersburg, Pennsylvania."
 5. Please don't disturb Mr. Dukakis while he's driving.
 4. Keep your trousers on. There is no such thing as a "bus nurse."
 3. Maybe you could just walk to Scranton.
 2. Strike or no strike, don't ever use the bus toilet.
 1. Ride Greyhound -- and leave the driving to some drifter named

March 23, 1990

Top 10 Least Interesting Academy Award Categories

10. Best-Looking Rubber Ears
 9. Best Screenplay Idea Stolen from Art Buchwald
 8. Most Flagrant Lingering Shot of a Brand-Name Product
 7. Most Arbitrary Snit by a Supporting Actress
 6. Best Straight Costume Designer
 5. Tastiest Petroleum-Based Butter Substitute Used in Lobby
    Concession Stand
 4. Best Best Boy
 3. Shirley MacLaine Previous Lifetime Achievement Award
 2. Best Hair on Back
 1. Film Most Likely To Be Rejected -- Even by the Airlines

March 27, 1990

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Academy Awards

10. "Isn't that Meryl Streep with Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan?"
 9. "Thanks to Jimmy Carter and his team of observers, the voting will
    be fair for a change."
 8. "Uh oh. The guys from Price Waterhouse are talking to Pete Rose."
 7. "Yes, Mr. Ebert, I am gonna finish this sandwich."
 6. "$100,000 Miss Tandy -- and all you have to do is say 'I'm going
    to DisneyWorld.' "
 5. "It's a crime they snubbed that 'Hey Vern!' guy again."
 4. "Hey! Get your hand out of ... Oh, Mr. Beatty, so nice to meet
 3. "Steinbrenner, even though he's not a member of the Academy,
 2. "Hey look! The Little Mermaid is drunk!"
 1. "I'm Dorothy Chandler -- I'm mad as hell and I want you all out of
    my pavilion right now!"

March 28, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular Artificial Insemination Clinics

10. Stop 'n' Pop
 9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter
 8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap Shoot
 7. International House of Zygotes
 6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City
 5. Jack-in-the-Box
 4. Cher's bedroom
 3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own-Circus-People
 2. The Port Authority
 1. McFertilization

March 30, 1990

Top 10 Soviet Inducements to the Lithuanians

10. Lenin tote bags.
 9. Raisa swimsuit calendars.
 8. Videotape collection of Afghan war bloopers.
 7. Free order of fries with purchase of regular Big Mac at Moscow
 6. Zero-gravity love weekend on Soyuz spacecraft.
 5. We promise to continue jamming Voice of America's broadcast of
 4. Babushkas! Babushkas! Babushkas!
 3. Free travel on Greyhound.
 2. $50.
 1. If you stay, we won't annihilate you with our massive army.

April 3, 1990

Top 10 Reasons Iraq Wants an Atomic Bomb

10. To impress the babes.
 9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb
 8. It'll bring in the tourists.
 7. Tired of being treated like a second-rate New Jersey.
 6. To threaten CBS until they give Brent Musburger his job back.
 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music.
 4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms.
 3. Just to annoy Dan Rather.
 2. When some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway.
 1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who want to destroy the world. So
    sue us!

April 4, 1990

Top 10 Things in the Pockets of an NBC Security Guard's

10. Big wad of cash
 9. A wallet
 8. Change
 7. Another wallet
 6. Legal documents
 5. Glasses
 4. A pen
 3. Smokes
 2. A lighter
 1. A hanky

April 5, 1990

Top 10 Work-Related Injuries at the Whamm-O Factory

10. Pulled Slinky
 9. Wiffle welts
 8. Decapitation by experimental razor Frisbee
 7. Trip over gummy web of Silly String into table saw
 6. Slip 'n' Slide 'n' concussion
 5. Overcome by fumes from batch of custom-order toxic Play-Doh for
    Iraqi military
 4. Yo-yo recoil cranial fracture
 3. Burnt tongue from cafeteria chili
 2. Punctured Water Weenie
 1. Hula-Hoop chafing

April 6, 1990

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Opening of Trump's Taj Mahal

10. "Kindly take this gentleman's bags to room 1710, Merv."
 9. "Would you please sign this prenuptual agreement?"
 8. "I wonder if we'll catch a glimpse of the reclusive Mr. Trump."
 7. "Of course your credit's good, Mr. Rose."
 6. "Security! Security! Ivana on level five!"
 5. "Merciful mother of god! With a single turn of the wheel -- my
    life savings gone!"
 4. "Which way to the Trump toilet?"
 3. "I'm afraid we don't have a Yahtzee table, Mr. Quayle."
 2. "Wow! I didn't know David Letterman could sing."
 1. "I'm in Taj Ma-hell!"

April 10, 1990

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Audited

10. Using one of those "love" stamps.
 9. Have taxes done by stupid, incompetent H. Block instead of by
    smart, reliable R. Block.
 8. Using the name "Helmsley."
 7. Calling IRS hotline and offering $1.50 a minute to talk dirty.
 6. Writing off stranger living in your house as dependent.
 5. Including handwritten coupon good for one "super-duper back rub."
 4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of restaurant receipts.
 3. Writing off purchase of new Tito Jackson album as charitable
 2. Claiming hookers as medical expenses.
 1. Request filing extension for "until hell freezes over."

April 11, 1990

Top 10 Unsuccessful Lambada Movies

10. Ernest Goes to Lambada
 9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony-Baloney Fake Fad
 8. Star Trek V: Lambada
 7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D
 6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka"
 5. Zorro Acts Swishy
 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Lambadinator
 3. The AAA Presents: Defensive Driving the Lambada Way
 2. Godzillambada
 1. Lambada: The Dance No One's Actually Doing

April 12, 1990

Top 10 Excuses for Not Filling Out the Census

10. They're shy.
 9. For some reason, thought it was an order form for Sea Monkeys.
 8. You can't even win anything.
 7. Waiting until after operation so I can list self as "woman."
 6. Thought going to the window and yelling "Here!" was good enough.
 5. Wasn't sure if, like on Jeopardy, answers had to be in form of a
 4. Didn't know whether to count hostages in basement as boarders.
 3. Hoping one of the census babes will come to my house in person.
 2. Waiting for help with big words from my wife Marilyn Quayle.
 1. Hey! I took part in "Hands Across America" -- you should've just
    counted us then.

April 13, 1990

Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser

10. Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth.
 9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey Vern" guy.
 8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-dokie."
 7. Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot.
 6. Turned down for date by Cher.
 5. Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV.
 4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions.
 3. When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave."
 2. Is U. S. Vice President.
 1. Tends to sit in the backyard and eat crickets.

April 24, 1990

Top 10 Things Overheard on Earth Day

10. "Hey! After the concert let's trash the place!"
 9. "It's the greenhouse effect, officer. That's why I'm not wearing
 8. "Who cares if it destroys the ozone? Thanks to aerosol I can spell
    my name in cheese!"
 7. "Just one more beer -- then I have to pilot a Northwest flight to
 6. "Good news! June Allyson has switched to cloth diapers!"
 5. "That's right, you get a nickel a can, Mr. Musburger."
 4. "Burning tires is bad for the ecosystem -- but it adds a great
    smokey flavor to ham."
 3. "Steinbrenner, while not directly involved with these Earth Day
    festivities, sucks."
 2. "Once this land belonged to the Indians.... That was before the
 1. "The corn dogs were better at `Hands Across America.' "

April 25, 1990

Top 10 Grounds for Justifiable Homicide

10. Using C.B. lingo.
 9. Talking loudly in a restaurant about your bladder infection.
 8. Being a New Kid on the Block.
 7. Looking at someone wrong (New York City only).
 6. Trying to start "the wave".
 5. Repeatedly answering telephone, "Yel-lo?"
 4. Two words: vacation photos.
 3. Eating all the Cracklin' Oat Bran.
 2. Revealing the surprise ending to "Ernest Goes to Jail."
 1. Constantly combing hair and asking passersby, "Do you think I look
    like Jack Lord?"

April 26, 1990

Top 10 Tricks You Can Play on the Census Taker

10. Excuse yourself from room and come back wearing different clothes.
    Repeat 15 times.
 9. Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family
 8. Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts
    as one person or two.
 7. Repeatedly ask, "And how many Eskimos did we count today?"
 6. Invite them to take shower to freshen up -- then keep flushing
 5. Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood OK.
 4. Insist on First Amendment right to answer questions in mime.
 3. After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he
 2. Two words: plastic vomit.
 1. Start going, "168 million and one... 168 million and two" so guy
    gets messed up and has to start counting all over.

April 27, 1990

Top 10 Iraqi Nicknames for George Bush

10. Sherry-swilling yacht-monkey
 9. Satan's Lambada partner
 8. Quayle-picker
 7. Four-eyes
 6. The-never-had-anyone-even-close-to-Marilyn-Monroe president
 5. Pork rind-munching goofball
 4. Yale-educated father of five
 3. Nancy Reagan's dress dummy
 2. Trust fund weenie
 1. Mr. Scared-of-broccoli

May 1, 1990

Millie's Top 10 Pet Peeves

10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair.
 9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the
 8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys.
 7. Spuds.
 6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry.
 5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle.
 4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli."
 3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint.
 2. Being known as "The First Bitch."
 1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty. Nice

May 2, 1990

Top 10 JFK Jr. Excuses

10. Should have actually answered essay question instead of just
    writing, "I'm a Kennedy."
 9. Tutor Arnold Schwarzenegger over-emphasized the bench press.
 8. Thought answer had to be in form of a question.
 7. Took Uncle Ed's advice, but guy next to me was really dumb.
 6. Confused by typo: spent months studying for the bra exam.
 5. Got answers beforehand from that "Hey Vern!" guy.
 4. Caught glimpse of self in reflective surface and was unable to
    look away.
 3. Two words: sympathy tail.
 2. Afraid passing grade meant talking to Doug Llewelyn.
 1. Thought there'd be relaxing "cocktail and makeout break" midway
    through exam.

May 3, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular Supermarket Chains

10. Pick 'n' Lick
 9. Larva Town
 8. Food Crypt
 7. Risky's
 6. Price Hiker
 5. Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo
 4. The Expiration Date Grab Bag
 3. I'm-Not-Wearing Pantry
 2. Hitler's
 1. Bag This!

May 4, 1990

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Thrown Out of the AAA

10. Asking to test drive the AAA receptionist.
 9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change basket.
 8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at any time.
 7. Selling secret handshake to Soviets.
 6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to provide erotic stimulation.
 5. Calling up the office and asking, "AAA? How do you spell that?"
 4. Lewd use of service station air hose.
 3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks include Dave's house.
 2. Standing up at a meeting and shouting, "I've got a pocketful of
    red hot lug nuts!"
 1. Having personalized license plate reading, "I LUV EBERT."

May 9, 1990

Mrs. Bush's Top 10 Snappy Comebacks to Wellesley Hecklers

10. How'd you get in this school? Were you the 100th caller?
 9. One word from me and my husband could bomb this dump!
 8. How'd you like to kiss some government property?
 7. I didn't pick him! My husband did!
 6. Know what this finger means? Take a ride on Air Force One!
 5. Settle down. Van Halen will be out in a minute.
 4. Millie . . . kill!
 3. Two words, honey -- depilatory cream.
 2. You girls wouldn't know proper etiquette if it bit you on the ass!
 1. Read my lips -- take a hike!

May 9, 1990

Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about France

10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch.
 9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies.
 8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language.
 7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets.
 6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they
    have qualifications of some kind.
 5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest sound like a
 4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands.
 3. Happy Meals taste different.
 2. Language barrier inhibits execution of "pull-my-finger" trick.
 1. Everyone keeps referring to him as "Le Bonehead."

May 10, 1990

Mrs. Paul's Top 10 Pet Peeves

10. When a 3-pronged tuna hook gets caught in your shoulder blade
    while you're casting.
 9. When some joker at the plant batter-dips your car keys.
 8. The kids aren't buying her action figure.
 7. Getting bread crumbs in a paper cut.
 6. Idiots who think she's married to the Pope.
 5. That bitch Betty Crocker.
 4. Lawsuits filed by accidentally de-boned employees.
 3. The flat accusing stare of a dying cod.
 2. Wise guys who give you a "Here's your fish stick, lady."
 1. Lackluster sales of her new cologne "Bottom-Feeder."

May 11, 1990

Top 10 Mother's Day Gifts Available in Times Square

10. Rolling pin vibrator
 9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
 8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
 7. Videocassette of movie "Danish Moms"
 6. A guy who'll do anything for $50
 5. Necklace of human ear
 4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
 3. Combination brass knuckles/cheese slicer
 2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
 1. Inflatable Dad

May 15, 1990

Top 10 Hubble Telescope Excuses

10. The guy at Sears promised it would work fine.
 9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling around with a garage door
 8. There's a little doohickey rubbing against the part that looks
    kind of like a cowboy hat.
 7. See if you can think straight after 12 days of drinking Tang.
 6. Bum with squeegee smeared lens at red light.
 5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey Vern!" guy.
 4. Those damn raccoons!
 3. Shouldn't have used G.E. components.
 2. Ran out of quarters.
 1. Race of super-evolved galactic beings are screwing with us.

May 16, 1990

Top 10 Mall Shops in Hell

10. Hitler & Himmler's 31 Flavors
 9. Really Painful Manicures
 8. Do-the-Sharpton-Thing Hair Salon
 7. Fish 'n' Lips
 6. Jim Jones Juice-a-teria
 5. Boozy, Irritable, Big & Tall Men's Shop
 4. Ceaucescu's Fashion Optical
 3. The Gap
 2. Noriega's Nut Hut (under construction)
 1. Brown Julius

May 17, 1990

Top 10 Ways Quayle is Preparing for the Summit

10. Making sign that reads "Gorbachev" to hold when he picks him up at
 9. Baking a really cool cake in the shape of a race car.
 8. Looking at hundreds of photos of guys with red spots on their
    heads until he no longer giggles.
 7. Finding best Chernobyl jokes just to break the ice.
 6. Learning to say, "Hi. I'm a bonehead." in Russian.
 5. Bought a new hand buzzer.
 4. Hitchhiking to South Carolina to load up on fireworks.
 3. Reviewing East-West economic, social, and military issues so he
    may advise the President on their global significance.
 2. Co-hosting post-summit blowout with Mayor Barry.
 1. Practicing his curtsy.

May 18, 1990

Top 10 Reasons Mills College Girls Don't Want Men Attending

10. No more going to the library topless.
 9. Annual production of Chekov's "Three Sisters" replaced by 3-day
 8. Football team has perfect 0-452 record.
 7. Guys often whoop and holler when words like "breast" appear in
    sensitive poetry.
 6. There's going to be some loser named Ned that keeps asking
    everyone out.
 5. They might try to free the men we use in our science experiments.
 4. We're shy.
 3. Afraid cafeteria walls will be covered with "Dukes of Hazzard"
 2. Less beer for the rest of us.
 1. They tend to spit a lot.

May 22, 1990

Top 10 Ways Gorbachev Will Spend His Raise

10. Buy Hallmark's nicest "Let's be friends" card for Lithuania.
 9. Go nuts at the Gap.
 8. Get matching tattoo on other side of forehead.
 7. Stop cheating clock on Domino's delivery guy.
 6. Go on a date with Marla Maples.
 5. He's going to Disney World!
 4. Switch from Slim-Fast to the more expensive Ultra Slim-Fast.
 3. Underwear.
 2. Can finally say he would like fries with that.
 1. Make it May Day every day!

May 24, 1990

Top 10 Perks of Winning the Indianapolis 500

10. Getting showered with 10W-40 in victory lane celebration.
 9. Honorary New York City taxi license.
 8. Right to represent Earth in Pan-Galactic Monster Truck Rally.
 7. Invitation to start Mr. Gotti's car for him.
 6. Good chance of meeting Kamaar the Magician backstage at Letterman
 5. Don't have to shut off lights and lock up speedway like guy who
    finishes last.
 4. Get to throw one free punch at Mr. Goodwrench.
 3. Offers of employment from Domino's Pizza.
 2. Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big, wet kiss from Jim Nabors.
 1. All the Valvoline a guy can drink.

May 24, 1990

Top 10 Business Tips from the President's Son

10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million.
 9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's
    the President."
 8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes.
 7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the
 6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich.
 5. Suck up to Trump.
 4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines.
 3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore
    leotards in your life.
 2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven.
 1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant

May 25, 1990

Top 10 Signs School Is Out in New York City

10. Metal detectors freed up for use at public pools.
 9. East River barge traffic unimpeded by floating truant officers.
 8. Impossible to get tickets for big Monet retrospective.
 7. Powdered mashed potato wholesaler goes on vacation.
 6. Afternoon show at "Strip World" now filled with shop teachers.
 5. Movie theater matinees are less crowded.
 4. Extra long lines to rob Good Humor man.
 3. The libraries are filled with conscientious young people keeping
    up with their studies. (Sign school is out in Japan.)
 2. Lots of alarms are going off.
 1. Teachers beginning to heal up.

June 5, 1990

Top 10 Things in the Refrigerator of Dave's Mother

10. Milk
 9. Iced tea
 8. Orange juice
 7. Perrier
 6. Margarine
 5. Lettuce
 4. Watermelon
 3. Cheese
 2. Bacon
 1. Mushrooms.

June 6, 1990

Top 10 Signs that Trump Is in Trouble

10. Had the cable company disconnect Cinemax.
 9. Trump Shuttle now used to haul lumber.
 8. Attracting a lower class of bimbo.
 7. Recently asked advisors how they thought a "Battling Billionaire"
    character would go over on the pro wrestling circuit.
 6. Has been sucking up to Merv.
 5. This morning, he had himself evicted.
 4. Last week in 7-Eleven was heard saying, "I'm really thirsty" and
    yet suspiciously did not order a Big Gulp.
 3. Now does tacky embarrassing things on a much smaller scale.
 2. Just got a paper route.
 1. He now takes my calls.

June 7, 1990

Top 10 Jobs with More Security than Yankee Manager

10. Official car starter for Mr. Gotti.
 9. Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer.
 8. Colombian judge.
 7. Co-host on the Today Show.
 6. Salesclerk, incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut.
 5. Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem.
 4. Member of the New Monkees.
 3. Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door.
 2. Director of security at my house.
 1. Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.

June 8, 1990

Top 10 Rejected Titles for Reagan's Memoirs

10. Still Hazy after All These Years
 9. Fall Asleep Anywhere, Anytime
 8. How To Make Love to a Shrewish Domineering First Lady
 7. Those Parties at Mayor Barry's
 6. Hey -- At Least I Didn't Pick Quayle!
 5. Nancy Reagan's Autobiography of Ronald Reagan
 4. 1001 Sam Donaldson Jokes
 3. Uh
 2. What? I'm Not Still President?
 1. Hey Hinckley -- Pardon This!

June 13, 1990

Dick Tracy's Top 10 Pet Peeves

10. Two-way wrist radio keeps picking up Larry King.
 9. Waiting for "Mumbles" to order in a French restaurant.
 8. Wise guys who holler, "Hey! Where's the Batmobile?"
 7. When McGruff the Crime Dog borrows trenchcoat and sheds in it.
 6. Still haven't figured out ending of "Twin Peaks."
 5. Jack Lord always bragging about weather in Hawaii.
 4. People who tell off-color stories about J. Edgar Hoover.
 3. When Pruneface kids you about "Ishtar."
 2. When fellow cops refer to wrist radio as "bracelet."
 1. Talk show hosts who pick on your sister.

June 14, 1990

Top 10 Summer Fun Tips from General Electric

10. Tie together thousands of lightbulbs; raft down the Colorado
 9. Warm up chilly water by having kids point lots of blow dryers at
    the pool.
 8. Put on softball mitts; try to catch defective G.E. jet engine
    parts as they drop from the sky.
 7. Fire someone.
 6. Try a zesty salad made from arugula and plenty of G.E. 100-watt
 5. Kids love to play "bury an expensive American-made VCR" at the
 4. Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot!
 3. Liven up meetings with Defense Department auditors with dozens of
    bikini-clad hookers.
 2. Use your 3-speed fan to make monster daiquiris!
 1. Get a G.E. toaster tan!

June 15, 1990

Top 10 Other Inventions by the Suicide Machine Doctor

10. The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
 9. The mesh parachute
 8. Clorox coladas
 7. The rickety ladder
 6. The recipe for New Coke
 5. The steel bristle retina brush
 4. The Pet Rock
 3. The tub toaster
 2. The Denny's all-you-can-eat seafood special
 1. The Popeil Pocket Suicide Machine

June 19, 1990

Top 10 Ways New York Is Getting Ready for Mandela

10. New York Harbor given a new coat of oil.
 9. Paying Donald Trump $50 to pick Mandela up at airport.
 8. Giant pine tree-shaped air freshener hung from Triborough Bridge.
 7. NBC employees ripping up scripts of "Baywatch" to use in ticker
    tape parade.
 6. Finally threw a little sawdust on that big puddle of vomit in
    Times Square.
 5. Hot dog vendors required to wear shirts for duration of visit.
 4. Set up 3-card Monte table at airport to take him for every cent
    he's worth the minute he steps off plane.
 3. As personal tribute, Howie Mandel adding "A" to his name for the
 2. Steinbrenner to give Mandela honorary right to fire Stump Merrill.
 1. Arrange meeting with Leona Helmsley to tell her what 28 years of
    prison life will be like.

June 20, 1990

Top 10 Freak Accidents on the Today Show Set

10. Tour group mauled after teasing Willard during feeding time.
 9. Makeup artist scratches arm on Deborah Norville's hair.
 8. High-powered floor waxer runs wild; kills a guy.
 7. Gene Shalit electrocuted by frayed mike cord; decides to leave his
    hair that way.
 6. Meteor plunges into Bryant's coffee cup; splashes guest George
 5. A series of suspicious toupee fires.
 4. Unwrapping of forgotten Jane Pauley tuna sandwich knocks out
    several staffers.
 3. Willard attacked by rabid duck at one of those state fairs or
    wherever the hell it is he goes.
 2. Guest on Donahue's "homicidal pyromaniacs" segment wanders into
    wrong studio.
 1. Glare from Joe Garagiola's head blinds boom operator.

June 21, 1990

George Bush's Top 10 Stress Busters

10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
 9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there.
 8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool;
    tapes it for "America's Funniest Home Videos."
 7. Two words: malt liquor.
 6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather.
 5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his
 4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I
 3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
 2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
 1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp

June 22, 1990

Top 10 Things that Keep Donald Trump Awake at Night

10. Might have to borrow money from Merv.
 9. Fear that if he sells Taj Mahal, new owner will turn it into a
    tacky ostentatious eyesore.
 8. Which Lotto number this week?
 7. That chili dog he ate at Don King's.
 6. Should have had clever comeback for Ted Koppel; not just, "Screw
    you, melonhead!"
 5. Other guys in the shelter snore.
 4. Drunk houseboy Ernesto blasting car stereo while lifting weights
    in garage at 2 a.m.
 3. Wondering where he can get his hands on one of those suicide
 2. Knowing that in just a few short hours it will once again be time
    to make the donuts.
 1. Marla Mapels.

June 26, 1990

Top 10 Good Things about Being a Really, Really Dumb Guy

10. Never have to sit through long boring Nobel Prize banquet.
 9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from Coyote.
 8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder.
 7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "put that in layman's
 6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader.
 5. Stallone might play you in the movie.
 4. Can feel superior to really, really, _really_ dumb guys.
 3. Maybe get to be Vice-President.
 2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you, and
 1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.

June 27, 1990

Top 10 Other Campaign Promises Bush Has Broken

10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen.
 9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
 8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
 7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
 6. A pony for Quayle.
 5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore.
 4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
 3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night.
    (Actually, one of Dave's broken promises.)
 2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever.
 1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.

June 28, 1990

Top 10 Bio-Engineering Projects in Development

10. Prairie dogs who change tires.
 9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by a
 8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley.
 7. Squids that wait for the cable guy.
 6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could
    just photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty
 5. Dolphin who can pass the bar exam for JFK, Jr.
 4. Coco Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life.
 3. Angry, growling, hissing marigold.
 2. Mexican marital-counseling beans.
 1. A grinch who steals car radios.

June 29, 1990

Top 10 Reasons the British Lost the Colonies

10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wigs falling in
    your eyes.
 9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey, but got carried away.
 8. Colonists on steroids.
 7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in royal family.
 6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and
 5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
 4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy
    hats of theirs.
 3. We had Batman.
 2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
 1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred

July 10, 1990

Top 10 Complaints of Dennis Thatcher

10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell
    he is.
 9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
 8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to
    take a leak.
 7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her
    pocket without even reading it.
 6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
 5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they
    can't be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
 4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they
    cancel the show.
 3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time
    "foreign withdrawal" is mentioned.
 2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
 1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he
    does for a living.

July 11, 1990

Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention

10. OK, we're serious this time.
 9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
 8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
 7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
 6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
 5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
 4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
 3. We're the party without Quayle.
 2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home
    male prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by
    the way, we plan to raise.
 1. Just wait 'til '96!

July 12, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular Summer Camps

10. Camp Tick in Beautiful Lyme, Connecticut
 9. Camp Geraldo
 8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-To-Be-Home Tenting Holidays
 7. Amish Computer Camp
 6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp
 5. Mr. & Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them,
    Don't Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent
 4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids
 3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch
 2. Camp Sissy-Boy
 1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound

July 13, 1990

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes Astronauts Tell

10. "You call that Mission Control?"
 9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed."
 8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!"
 7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!"
 6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
 5. "I said Venus! Venus!"
 4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?"
 3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
 2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey."
 1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"

July 17, 1990

Top 10 Attractions and Exhibits at the New Nixon Library

10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth.
 9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn.
 8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song.
 7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac.
 6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident.
 5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show.
 4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo.
 3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo.
 2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts.
 1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the

July 18, 1990

Top 10 Ways France Is Preparing for the German Reunification

10. Dialing 911.
 9. Installing speed bumps to slow down Panzers.
 8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white rectangles.
 7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep their
    spirits up.
 6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt.
 5. Printing up T-shirts that say, "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!"
 4. Going a really, really long time without bathing.
 3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris.
 2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses.
 1. Developing top secret stealth cheese.

July 19, 1990

Top 10 Things With the Same Statistical Probability as the Minnesota Twins Turning Two Triple Plays in the Same Game

10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches
    catcher without bouncing.
 9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel.
 8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt.
 7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year.
 6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President.
 5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden.
 4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video.
 3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour.
 2. President Tyson.
 1. The Yankees making one double play.

July 20, 1990

Pete Rose's Top 10 Prison Activities

10. Making thousands of "FAY SUX" license plates.
 9. Trying to keep cellmate from getting to first base.
 8. Practicing opening and closing cell door to prepare for future as
    casino greeter.
 7. Playing Tevye in the all-tax evader version of "Fiddler on the
 6. Executing his famous head-first slide over and over until he
    burrows his way to freedom.
 5. Discussing George Will's baseball book with members of the Manson
 4. Starting the wave during prison riots.
 3. Getting a cell ready for Steinbrenner.
 2. Leading a seminar in scratching yourself.
 1. During softball game in exercise yard, arguing with umpire,
    getting thrown out of prison.

July 24, 1990

Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter

10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
 9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
 8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
 7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
 6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon
    his hair.
 5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog
 4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
 3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his
 2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
 1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.

July 26, 1990

Top 10 Ways McDonald's Is More Health Conscious

10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar.
 9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies.
 8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water.
 7. Decorative bowls of mercury removed from tables.
 6. Counter person now asks, "Would you like the name of a heart
    specialist with that?"
 5. Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in Your Big Mac" game.
 4. New combination: salad dressing/sunblock.
 3. Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for
    wallet and jewelry.
 2. Mayor McCheese excused from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking
 1. Decided to drop Porksicles.

July 26, 1990

Top 10 Reasons to Fly Eastern

10. Likelihood of getting killed by Eastern plane is same whether
    you're in it or not.
 9. Endorsed by the Suicide Doctor.
 8. No delays because of lengthy pre-flight safety checklists.
 7. Pilots point out interesting landmarks when they're not yelling,
 6. If you don't, Marty Shugrue will make more of those stupid
 5. Eastern aircraft always get emergency landing priority.
 4. Emotional greetings from loved ones even after the most routine
 3. Statistically safer than marrying Jerry Lee Lewis.
 2. Passengers encouraged to tinker.
 1. Because you're feeling lucky.

July 27, 1990

Top 10 Questions about David Souter

10. Can he lift a gavel?
 9. He's not managed by Don King, is he?
 8. What's with the parrot?
 7. Will he do everything in his power to change America's terribly
    restrictive speed limits thus allowing our most beloved television
    personality to drive as fast as he wants?
 6. Will he pet on a second date?
 5. Where does he stand on the tastes great/less filling controversy?
 4. What's his sign? (Zodiac Killer only)
 3. Why are he and Batman never in the same room at the same time?
 2. Does he know Wapner?
 1. Who died and made him judge?

July 31, 1990

Top 10 Good Things about George Steinbrenner

10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them.
 9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit.
 8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants.
 7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on
 6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the
    grave of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker.
 5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging
    information on a million dollar player.
 4. Will eventually die and go to hell.
 3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes
    tons of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay
    one cent in taxes.
 2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each
    home game.
 1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance
    to suck.

August 2, 1990

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Reasons for Attacking Kuwait

10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN.
 9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines.
 8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger.
 7. Heard they were manufacturing bootleg Simpsons T-shirts.
 6. To impress Jodie Foster.
 5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration date.
 4. Heard rumor Jessica McClure trapped in well in Kuwait.
 3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the Moon.
 2. Yeah. Like a Middle-East madman needs an excuse to invade
 1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the

August 3, 1990

Top 10 Least Exciting Superpowers

10. Super spelling
 9. Lightning-fast mood swings
 8. Really bendy thumb
 7. Can breathe soup
 6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
 5. Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle
 4. Ability to get tickets to Goodwill Games
 3. Power to score with other superheroes' wives
 2. Ability to communicate with corn
 1. Magnetic colon

August 7, 1990

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Helpful Invasion Tips

10. Don't phone ahead.
 9. Start with something easy -- like France.
 8. Make sure everybody uses the restroom before your armored columns
    rumble across international borders.
 7. Don't feed raccoons at KOA campsites.
 6. Nerve gas: don't leave home without it.
 5. If Nightline calls, make sure Ted Koppel's doing show, not Forrest
 4. Take along a gift for the host -- for example, a puppet regime.
 3. Point out that people liked the British Invasion of the '60's.
 2. Bring plenty of change for the tollbooths.
 1. Don't just race through a country. Take some time to smell the

August 9, 1990 [A video Top 10]

Top 10 Thoughts of Motorists

10. "What are you looking at?"
 9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license."
 8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?"
 7. "I'm an excellent driver."
 6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!"
 5. "I'm cleaning my oven."
 4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
 3. "Hey! That's my car!"
 2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac."
 1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering

August 10, 1990

Top 10 Categories on Iraqi Jeopardy

10. Things that won't set off airport security
 9. Nicknames for sand
 8. Famous Mohammeds
 7. At home with Hitler
 6. Games played with a human head
 5. Ways to lose a hand
 4. 23 letter words
 3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
 2. Sounds like "Shi'ite"
 1. Broadway show tunes

August 14, 1990

Top 10 Marion Barry Campaign Slogans

10. I'm addicted -- to public service!
 9. America's Funniest Home Video.
 8. Just Say Yes.
 7. I'm a Kennedy
 6. He's ready to personally confiscate drugs
 5. Let's put a little Colombia into the District of Columbia.
 4. Hey -- Here's your Justice Department, pal!
 3. He'll get the hookers off the streets -- and into the hotel rooms.
 2. Imagine the victory party!
 1. I'm Barry Barry sorry.

August 15, 1990

Top 10 Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader

10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter.
 9. Hijackings every hour on the hour.
 8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference.
 7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines.
 6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do
 5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
 4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President.
 3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low
    he's practically giving it away!
 2. Marry Cher.
 1. Try the McRibs.

August 16, 1990

Top 10 Words Used Least Frequently in CIA Reports on Saddam Hussein

10. Huggable
 9. Busty
 8. John Tesh-obsessed
 7. Amish
 6. Stoogeophile
 5. Fahrvergnugen
 4. Bitchin'
 3. Yankee fan
 2. Sane
 1. Drop-dead gorgeous

August 17, 1990

Top 10 Ways the Emir of Kuwait Passes Time

10. Calling 911 to report his country stolen.
 9. Sitting alone in Hilton lounge arranging maraschino cherry stems
    to spell, "Iraq sucks."
 8. Waiting on tables; going to auditions.
 7. Writing a novel about an exiled Arab ruler who falls in love with
    a rich American chick.
 6. Enjoying free pizza after free pizza from Dominos.
 5. Memorizing all the lyrics to "American Pie."
 4. Listening to wife say for millionth time, "I told you we should
    have had an army!"
 3. Flogging the camel -- if you know what I mean.
 2. Lots of long luxurious bubble baths.
 1. Night manager at Riyadh Burger King.

Two weeks missing due to vacation (and roommate who screwed up the VCR programming)
September 18, 1990

Top 10 Reasons New York City Would've Been a Good Site for the Olympics

10. No shortage of starter pistols.
 9. Already have cute mascot -- Lou the Giant Rat.
 8. New York Yankees set tone for amateur athletics.
 7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists.
 6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to root in person for their
    home countries.
 5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile jumping.
 4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient
    monorail system.
 3. Room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place.
 2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck burns where gold medals used to
 1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming.

September 19, 1990

Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names

10. The Opticians
 9. The Groinpullers
 8. The Fragile Porcelain Mice
 7. The Fightin' Amish
 6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks
 5. The Velveteen Rabbits
 4. The Referee Killers
 3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes
 2. The Greasy Ferrets
 1. The Highly Paid Dumb Guys

September 20, 1990

Top 10 Changes in the Mustang Ranch Now that It's Owned by the Government

10. Airbags installed in headboards of all beds.
 9. Popular "whipped cream treatment" now uses government surplus
 8. A simple half and half now involves hours of paperwork.
 7. Chipped beef on toast.
 6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work.
 5. Easygoing low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from
    Postal Service.
 4. Etching of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford.
 3. Name changed to Fort Dix.
 2. Main gate marked by billboard of pantless Uncle Sam.
 1. T-shirts in gift shop say: "I got screwed by the government."

September 21, 1990

Mrs. Hussein's Top 10 Tips for Keeping Your Husband Happy

10. Assure him he's just as maniacal as the day you met.
 9. Leave little notes in his holster.
 8. A little Woolite gets poison gas from most of your fine washables.
 7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil
 6. Double date with the Khadafys.
 5. Freshly pressed slacks make a nice impression on forcibly detained
 4. Always offer to go first through a minefield.
 3. When bowling keep telling him, "Boy, those pins really fly when
    you hit them!"
 2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car.
 1. Goat casserole -- and plenty of it!

September 25, 1990

Top 10 Surprises in the Kruschev Tapes

10. Rosenbergs also gave KGB formula for McDonalds' secret sauce.
 9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak.
 8. Instigated long-term Soviet plan to destabilize New York Yankees
 7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime."
 6. Castro? Gay.
 5. Duet with Kenny Rogers.
 4. Had names for each of his facial warts.
 3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now" technique.
 2. Dreamed of ground-breaking primetime show featuring cops that
 1. Most frightening moment in his life: seeing Brezhnev naked.

September 26, 1990

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Cincinnati Maplethorpe Obscenity Trial

10. Ewww! Gross!
 9. May I once again request that the District Attorney refrain from
 8. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing here?
 7. Why, Rusty the bailiff -- he's trembling!
 6. Thanks for taking a personal interest in this case, Congressman
 5. Didn't he get burned stirring his coffee that way?
 4. And these were taken by the Hubble telescope?
 3. Hey, how about these Bengals?
 2. Wait a minute -- that's Neil Bush!
 1. No, no -- I said subpoena!

September 27, 1990

Top 10 Ways "The Civil War" Series Would Be Different If It Were On NBC

10. General Grant played by ALF.
 9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud vs. bottles of
    Bud Light.
 8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers."
 7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the wheel of a cool
    talking car.
 6. Early in war, Lincoln replaces McClellan with Deborah Norville.
 5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas comments,
    "That's gotta hurt!"
 4. More emphasis on Matthew Brady's photographs of swimsuit models.
 3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton.
 2. Lincoln shot while watching taping of "The Golden Girls."
 1. Would have pit Fanelli brother against Fanelli brother.

September 28, 1990

Top 10 Perks of Being Saddam Hussein, Jr.

10. Can use poison gas on paper route customers who don't tip.
 9. Can cash check without I.D. at Baghdad Winn-Dixie.
 8. On your birthday, can have Abu Nidal dressed as clown drive
    truck-bomb into cake.
 7. Though completely unqualified, can get high-paying job with Iraqi
    savings and loan.
 6. Those madman-to-madman chats with Dad.
 5. Can take a leak in the fountain at the mall.
 4. Since he doesn't work for NBC, he's eligible to play McMillions
 3. Can annoy celebrities, browbeat bandleader, and whine to audience
    (perks of being David Letterman).
 2. One phonecall from Dad gets you a safe cushy position with
    National Guard.
 1. When you turn 21, you get Kuwait.

October 2, 1990

Top 10 Last-Minute Things To Do Before German Reunification

10. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem.
 9. Decide which Elvis picture goes on new 50-Mark note.
 8. Confirm arrangements for gorillagram announcements sent to all
    world leaders.
 7. Interview Emir of Kuwait as possible new leader.
 6. Send out Quayle's invitation now, so it's sure to arrive late.
 5. One final giddy night of East-West tensions.
 4. For entertainment at ceremony, choreograph 100 Hitler
 3. Thank Letterman for orchestrating this whole reunification thing.
 2. Stock up on Champale.
 1. Practice saying, "We're going to Disneyland!"

October 3, 1990

Top 10 Ways Souter Celebrated His Confirmation

10. Smiled for a few seconds, then back to serious thoughts.
 9. Bought Sandra Day O'Connor robe from Victoria's Secret.
 8. Marched into judicial supply store and announced, "The gavels are
    on me!"
 7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith blasting.
 6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over.
 5. Made paper hat out of U.S. Constitution, filled it with beer, put
    it on.
 4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush money.
 3. Ate his usual cottage cheese lunch off the chest of a
    $1,000-a-night hooker.
 2. Made prank call to guy who won the McMillions contest.
 1. Gave a big wet kiss to Thurgood Marshall.

October 5, 1990

Top 10 Iraqi Bumper Stickers

10. Don't tailgate: car bomb on board.
 9. Have you hugged your hostage today?
 8. If we could vote, I'd vote "Yes" on bond issue 6.
 7. If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical
 6. I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park.
 5. Baghdad Wolverines: 1986 Division Champions.
 4. Gay and proud of it.
 3. I brake for Kuwaitis, then shoot them, and loot their homes.
 2. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK.
 1. Honk if you still have hands.

October 5, 1990

Top 10 Things Pete Rose Is Doing During the Playoffs

10. Sewing bedsheets into hot air balloon so he can float over walls
    and fly to OTB.
 9. Working on children's book: "Roy, the Elf with the Gambling
 8. Chess by mail with George Steinbrenner.
 7. Co-authoring investment guide with Neil Bush.
 6. Conjugal visits from San Diego Chicken.
 5. Dining with Leona.
 4. License plates! License plates! License plates!
 3. Digging like crazy with tablespoon to get to Oakland by seventh
    game of World Series.
 2. Asking guards every five minutes if his sentence is up yet.
 1. Laundry.

October 11, 1990

Top 10 20/20 Features Currently in Production

10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
 9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the
    United States.
 8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but
    he's a dog. Really.
 7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
 6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle.
 5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
 4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two?
    It's three at least!
 3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will!
 2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
 1. A guy from Pluto.

October 12, 1990

Top 10 Ways Saddam Hussein Can Win the Nobel Peace Prize

10. Announce a new nerve gas with a fresh pine scent.
 9. Play bass with Sting at next rain forest concert.
 8. Really nail the talent portion of the competition.
 7. Go to McDonald's 28 days straight. Watch NBC. Win McMillions.
    Donate it to charity.
 6. Locate the guy who really played Buckwheat.
 5. Never be seen in public without cute baby kitten on shoulder.
 4. Orchestrate David Lee Roth/Van Halen reunion.
 3. Announce he's cutting back on schedule to aggressively pursue
    having a baby.
 2. Get guy who decides prize a couple of hookers.
 1. By killing himself.

October 23, 1990

Top 10 Oakland A's Excuses

10. Thought it was best out of 17.
 9. Too worried about budget crisis to concentrate on game.
 8. A very lucrative offer from Pete Rose.
 7. Hard-of-hearing equipment manager filled bats with pork.
 6. Afraid winners would get kissed by Morganna.
 5. Tired from trying to talk Sinead O'Connor into singing national
 4. Opposite team shouted "Swing!" when we got bad pitches.
 3. Pulled abdominal muscles laughing at "The David Letterman Book of
    Top Ten Lists" from Pocket Books -- a division of Simon &
 2. At the last minute, Canseco wanted his soul back.
 1. Too busy choreographing nude locker room dance number for female

October 24, 1990

Top 10 Provisions in the Lois Lane/Superman Pre-Nuptial Agreement

10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen.
 9. Won't wear same color tights at social gatherings.
 8. He has to clean up after his own Super Dog.
 7. No kryptonite knick-knacks.
 6. Lois must have Batman tattoo surgically removed.
 5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go back in time and put
    toilet seat down.
 4. No use of heat vision around Ms. Lane's collection of decorative
 3. Christmas Day with her folks; Protonium Even with his.
 2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the Plaza Hotel.
 1. Superman prohibited from using X-ray vision at beach.

October 25, 1990

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Doctor

10. His office is on the D train.
 9. Also promises to paint any car for $99.95.
 8. Last name Mengele.
 7. You're in what seems like a long tunnel and at the end is some
    light and the beckoning forms of loved ones who passed on years
 6. Giggles uncontrollably when he hears the word "penis."
 5. Keeps asking, "Is somebody frying baloney?"
 4. In middle of exam says, "Ever heard of a show called Totally
    Hidden Video?"
 3. Diagnoses arterial swelling of thoraxic metatarsus as a lymphnodic
 2. Frequently wonders if you're getting enough fudge in your diet.
 1. After he asks you to cough, says, "OK, now my turn."

October 31, 1990

Top 10 Changes in Mount Rushmore

10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead.
 9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look
 8. Add Morey Amsterdam.
 7. Elegant new "Washington's Nose Cafe."
 6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing.
 5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Washington's ears.
 4. Gag space that says: "Reserved for Dan Quayle."
 3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the
    Three Stooges.
 2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows.
 1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.

November 1, 1990

Top 10 Mafia Euphemisms for Death

10. Checked into the wooden Waldorf.
 9. No longer eligible for census.
 8. Dropping both AT&T and MCI.
 7. Your highway taxes at work.
 6. Upcoming guest on 20/20.
 5. He's fallen and he can't get up.
 4. Resting his organs.
 3. McRibs (for a limited time only)
 2. Kicked the oxygen habit.
 1. Bought a Yugo.

November 2, 1990

Top 10 Ways To Get Hussein Out of Kuwait

10. Ask really nicely.
 9. Tell Hussein he's won tickets to Giants game. As soon as he sits
    down -- nab him!
 8. Remind him that McRibs are for a limited time only.
 7. Have phone company call every Iraqi soldier. Tell them they have
    to be home the next day between 8 and 5.
 6. Explain that what he's done is wrong. Then bomb him back to the
    Stone Age.
 5. Mention the old story about the place being haunted.
 4. Convince him it's the senseless irrational thing to do.
 3. Creep him out by having CIA ventriloquists make his pets say stuff
    like: "Get out of Kuwait!"
 2. Tell him you heard they were giving out fudge in Pakistan.
 1. Get Charles Bronson to "clean house."

November 7, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular MTV Contests

10. Win stuff found in ZZ Top's beards.
 9. Do time for James Brown.
 8. Locked-in-Sting's-car-trunk fantasy weekend.
 7. A date with Cher (must be under 16).
 6. Win Michael Jackson's old nose.
 5. Actually get to be one of the New Monkees -- not for a day, but
 4. 100th caller gets to have dinner with 101st caller.
 3. Shirt shopping with Paul Shaffer.
 2. Peter, Paul, and you!
 1. Try on Meatloaf's pants.

November 8, 1990

Top 10 Reasons Darryl Strawberry Is Leaving New York

10. Tired of using graffiti-covered bats.
 9. He misses earthquakes.
 8. Will get to sleep three hours later every day.
 7. Tommy Lasorda puts on much better post-game buffet than Bud
 6. Would rather get shot at on freeway than on subway.
 5. No more really good -- I mean really good -- I mean get up and
    shout for joy musicals on Broadway.
 4. Life seems so empty without best friend Tom Carvel.
 3. He's probably the Zodiac Killer.
 2. Dodger Stadium has breathtaking view of ocean.
 1. Tie: soaring crime rate/no tar pits.

November 9, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular TV Dinners

10. Split Pea & Hamster
 9. Swanson's Sweaty Man Dinner
 8. Hot 'n' Hearty Microbe Casserole
 7. Scorched Canadian Geese Extracted from Commercial Jet Engines
 6. Al Sharpton's Veal Medallions
 5. Jolly Green Giant's Assorted Elf Parts
 4. I Can't Believe It's Not Perch!
 3. Old-Fashioned Singed Tabby
 2. John Gotti's Guys-Who-Crossed-Me Stew
 1. Freak Show Sushi

November 13, 1990

Top 10 Surprises in "Rocky V"

10. Don King's nude scene.
 9. Fight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen.
 8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father.
 7. Rocky's new manager Fred McMurray puts flubber in Rocky's gloves.
    Rocky knocks opponent to Mars.
 6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn.
 5. Rocky goes back into the ring to fight a younger, stronger
    opponent and even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat
    him, digs down and musters all of the courage and heart he can and
    -- you'll never
believe this -- wins anyway!
 4. Lovable character Chewbacca dies.
 3. Weatherman Al Roker looks even bigger than last year. (A surprise
    of "Live at 5.")
 2. That the referee didn't stop the series at "Rocky III."
 1. You paid $7.50 to see it.

November 14, 1990

Top 10 Ways To Get Out of Jury Duty

10. Bring note from Rusty the bailiff.
 9. Ask if you get to execute criminals personally.
 8. Keep saying very loudly, "Hey -- who's frying baloney?"
 7. Every five minutes point to different person in courtroom and
    yell, "He did it!"
 6. Say you're looking forward to hearing judge sing -- like on "Cop
 5. Ask if there will be opportunities to examine bloody undershirts.
 4. Fly into a rage whenever Norwegians are mentioned.
 3. Respond to every question, "Let me talk to the little man who
    lives in my pants."
 2. Tell them you've already done jury duty on "Matlock."
 1. Ask the judge if he's wearing Aramis.

November 15, 1990

Top 10 Least Popular Brands of Cigarettes

10. Hint o' Lint 100's
 9. Sleepy's Mattress-Flashers
 8. Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific
 7. Benson & Hedge Trimmings.
 6. Die-Before-Your-Kid-Goes-To-College Lights
 5. L&M Turkish Prison Standards
 4. Ozark Eddie's Mentholated Skeeter Chasers
 3. Marion Barry "Extras"
 2. Mr. Butt
 1. Oscar Mayer Smokable Weenies

November 16, 1990

Top 10 New Jobs for Milli Vanilli

10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, and Vanilli.
 9. Camp counselors in Father Flanagan's Pretty Boys Town.
 8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercials.
 7. Try to sell Ben and Jerry's on idea for "Milli Vanilla."
 6. Cartoon pals to Chilly Willy.
 5. Professional object of scorn and ridicule for years to come.
 4. Fact-checkers at 20/20 (Buckwheat division).
 3. Even Newer Kids on the Block.
 2. Extremely groovy fry cooks.
 1. Who cares? Just so long as we don't hear from them ever again.

November 20, 1990

Top 10 New York City Thanksgiving Traditions

10. Taking a hooker to the Mayflower Hotel.
 9. Traveling over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's
    crack den.
 8. Go to supermarket, try to fit three frozen turkeys in pants.
 7. Al Sharpton's Sports Festive Sweet Potato Medallion.
 6. Get spot on roof of building for Macy's parade; try to spit on
 5. Free slivers of ham placed in taxicab change slots.
 4. Fun pilgrim hat drawn on all chalk body outline.
 3. Family gathers at table holds hand and recites the Miranda rights.
 2. Turning off the Jets game after first quarter.
 1. Finish your meal, loosen your belt, then doze off until the
    manager of the Sizzler calls the cops.

November 21, 1990

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Macy's Parade

10. Every time a float goes by, scream at the top of lungs: "She's
    gonna blow!"
 9. Asking total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders.
 8. Going up on Macy's roof; "fishing" for Willard's toupee.
 7. Throwing hotel keys onto float with Little Bo Peep.
 6. Rubbing Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair; sticking it on the
    Chrysler Building.
 5. Cold-cocking Santa; taking his place dressed as Roy Orbison.
 4. Entering your own float: The Life-Size Beat-Up Camaro with 15
    Dudes Crammed in It.
 3. Taking a leak off the side of the reviewing stand.
 2. Go on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day
    parade is.
 1. Marching pantsless.

November 22, 1990

Top 10 Iraqi Thanksgiving Traditions

10. Loudly giving thanks for Saddam Hussein just in case the house is
 9. Turkey carved by oldest family member who still has hands.
 8. Watching the Baghdad Bengals beat the Jets.
 7. Stuffing the turkey with plastic explosives.
 6. Go to Adrian's Mom's house and hang around (one of Rocky's
    Thanksgiving traditions).
 5. Eat huge pile of sand; doze off in front of TV.
 4. Watch Macy's parade via satellite; renew vow to kill Willard
 3. Slow cook turkey with poison gas.
 2. Put on foam clown noses; squirt each other with seltzer (a wacky
    Thanksgiving tradition).
 1. Have nice dinner; take over small, defenseless country.

November 23, 1990

Top 10 Things Dennis Thatcher Will Miss

10. All those men in powdered wigs hanging around.
 9. During summits, getting hair done with Mrs. Mitterand.
 8. All the free sample stuff from the Wham-O company.
 7. Taking the lift up to the flat or the pram or the telly or
    whatever the hell they call it.
 6. Winning fortune in bar bets by claiming he could screw the Prime
 5. Using that "10 Downing Street" address and having Dominos deliver
    in 5 minutes.
 4. Going through Churchill's collection of old Playboy's.
 3. Those Saturday nights when he and Maggie would finish entire
    bottle of Jack Daniels and start making up some laws.
 2. Weekly saunas with Benny Hill.
 1. The admiration of unemployed, freeloading husbands everywhere.

November 28, 1990

Orville Redenbacher's Top 10 Most Horrifying Secrets

10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion."
 9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all
 8. He was raised by white mice.
 7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
 6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves.
 5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory.
 4. Two words: Asian escorts.
 3. Has small vestigial wings.
 2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say,
    "Oops!" whenever they fall down.
 1. That ain't butter.

November 30, 1990

Top 10 Official Titles of Saddam Hussein

10. Big Oily Lion of the Desert
 9. Allah's L'il Buddy
 8. Inventor of the Pet Rock
 7. King of the Future Taxi Drivers
 6. Goodwill Ambassador for the Kinney Shoe Company (recently revoked)
 5. Guardian of the Men's Room Key, Baghdad Sunoco
 4. That Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy
 3. Miss Nude Canada, 1986
 2. Underestimator of U.S. Military Might Which Could Blow His Butt
    from Here to Mars
 1. The Hardest Working Tyrant in Show Business

December 12, 1990

Top 10 Fast Food Franchises in Iraq

10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
 9. Sand-in-the-Box
 8. Saddam's Big Boy
 7. Goats 'n' Stuff
 6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
 5. Donkey Hut
 4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
 3. Tony Roma's
 2. Taco Tent
 1. Stuff Your Hump

December 13, 1990

Top 10 Signs Gorbachev Is on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

10. At recent state dinner, kept goosing Belgian ambassador.
 9. Constantly calls Time-Life operators, chats for hours and never
    orders anything.
 8. In interview with Hugh Downs, passed himself off as Buckwheat.
 7. Tried to get service in 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
 6. Recently caught living in my house claiming to be Mrs. Letterman.
 5. Can suddenly understand everything Shirley MacLaine says.
 4. Opened discount electronics store and is selling things at prices
    so low he's practically giving them away!
 3. Thinks he has a red spot on his head.
 2. Put everything he had on the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.
 1. Shoots out TV every time Robert Goulet comes on.

December 15, 1990

Top 10 Reasons To Give Dan Quayle a Raise

10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
 9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
 8. His father threatened to make trouble.
 7. To match the salary of Millie, the White House dog.
 6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up
    an entire industry?
 5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek conventions.
 4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam
 3. To keep the money out of the hands of undeserving teachers and
 2. Oh what the hell -- they're only giving him play money anyway.
 1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.

December 18, 1990

Top 10 Promotional Slogans for the Suicide Machine

10. Just try it once -- that's all we ask.
 9. The quicker putter downer.
 8. Isn't it about time you took an honest look at your stinking
    miserable life?
 7. From the people who brought you "The Clapper."
 6. Impress the chicks in hell.
 5. Claus von Bulow says, "I liked it so much, I bought the company!"
 4. While I'm killing myself, I'm also cleaning my oven.
 3. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you!
 2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes -- it's free!
 1. We're not the heartbeat of America.

December 19, 1990

Top 10 Elf Occupational Hazards

10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats.
 9. Tinsel lung.
 8. Mistakenly drinking paint.
 7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea.
 6. When a reindeer takes a leak on you.
 5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into giant gas
 4. Ringworm.
 3. Two words: lawn darts.
 2. Fired when G.E. takes over company.
 1. Hammer fights.

December 20, 1990

Top 10 Items from the North Pole Police Blotter

10. Two white male elves caught shoplifting condoms at Pay 'n' Save.
 9. Santa stabbed for his jacket.
 8. Broke up domestic squabble between Dancer and Prancer.
 7. Female polar bear at disco allegedly fondled by Mike Tyson.
 6. Frosty the snowman caught taking a leak in subway; claimed he was
    just "melting."
 5. Unidentified 3' 6" male wearing pointy cap and bells on shoes shot
    dead while dining at local Italian eatery.
 4. Santa's sleigh found completely stripped 5,000 miles away on
    Cross-Bronx Expressway.
 3. Woman keeps breaking into Santa's home claiming to be Mrs. Claus.
 2. Issued warning at frat party to turn down the Burl Ives records.
 1. Arrested 35-year-old white male who refused to get off Santa's

December 21, 1990

Top 10 Real Reasons Shevardnadze Resigned

10. Didn't want to buy Christmas gifts for all the other guys in the
 9. Offered chance to be opening act for Yakov Smirnoff.
 8. Got a good deal on a house in Chernobyl.
 7. Tired of falling for Boris Yeltsin's "pull my finger" trick.
 6. Strangely found himself increasingly attracted to Gorbachev.
 5. Kremlin wouldn't come up with Canseco dollars.
 4. He's developing a show for Russian television about cops who sing.
 3. Decided to follow the Grateful Dead full-time.
 2. Got hit on head with bowling ball; now he thinks he's Ralph
 1. Found out there was more chance for advancement at Moscow

December 26, 1990

Top 10 Most Frequently Returned Christmas Gifts

10. The Sunbeam Six-Slice Shower Toaster.
 9. Raymond Burr's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videocassette.
 8. New York Jets playoff tickets.
 7. The Devout Muslim Nation Joke Book.
 6. The Black & Decker Forehead Sander.
 5. Bag of Live Mice.
 4. Super-Itchy Slipper-Socks from Super-Itchy Technologies, Hartford,
 3. Dr. Kevorkian's Suicide Machine.
 2. Cop Rock Junior Soprano Detective Kit.
 1. "Lick Me" -- The Board Game.

December 27, 1990

Top 10 Reject Bowl Game Titles

10. The Ben-Gay Bowl
 9. The White Guys All-Star Game
 8. The Cupless Classic
 7. The Festival of Big Sweaty Men on Steroids
 6. I Don't Think It's a Fracture But I Can't Be Sure Until We Take
    Some X-Rays Bowl
 5. Saddam Hussein's Scrimmage unto Death
 4. The Guys Who Came Really Close To Passing Their Drug Test Classic
 3. The Tournament of Hoses
 2. Sissy Boy Slap Party
 1. Manute Bowl

December 28, 1990

Dan Quayle's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy"
 9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the
 8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got
    her's to.
 7. Eat a zillion M&M's.
 6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen
    and I can't get up!"
 5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him.
 4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say,
    "What a funny hat!"
 3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie."
 2. Three words: catch road runner.
 1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.


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"The Late Show with David Letterman" top ten lists are ©1993-2000 - WorldWide Pants Incorporated
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