Late Night
with David Letterman
Top Ten List Archive for 1991


January 8, 1991

Top 10 Signs that Your Bank Is Failing


10. Free handful of Cheetos with every new account.
 9. They hand out calendars one month at a time.
 8. Security guard offers to walk you back to your office for five
    bucks.
 7. Overhear branch manager muttering to himself, "I wonder if you can
    eat squirrel?"
 6. Free giveaway toaster is made by G.E.
 5. Automatic teller machine replaced by fat guy with carton of
    twenties.
 4. You glimpse inside the vault and notice it's stacked with empty
    soda bottles.
 3. You deposit cash; an officer runs over, sticks it in his pocket,
    and dances around yelling, "Lordy, we're having biscuits tonight!"
 2. You recognize some of the tellers as carnival people.
 1. They can't change a twenty.



January 9, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Baker/Aziz Meeting


10. "It's Garfield.  He's very popular in our country.  He'll stick to
    your windshield."
 9. "What the hell is Buddy Ryan doing here?"
 8. "So if we get out by Friday, we get the subscription to Sports
    Illustrated -- and the football phone?"
 7. Is somebody frying baloney?"
 6. "Is Saddam as funny in real life as he seems on TV?"
 5. "I'm sorry, Mr. Aziz.  I cannot explain Norm Crosby."
 4. "Yahtzee!"
 3. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
 2. "Cut the crap, camel boy, or the 101st Airborne drops down your
    chimney and feeds you your own socks."
 1. "Mr. Gotti says get out of Kuwait now."



January 10, 1991

Top 10 Things Hussein Has To Do Between Now and January 15


10. Call Jacoby & Meyers.
 9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy.
 8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).
 7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game."
 6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.
 5. Try to get the Bat signal to work.
 4. R.S.V.P. "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis and Michael
    Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota.
 3. Take New York City cab drivers test.
 2. Shower.
 1. Fill out post office change of address card for Hell.



January 11, 1991

Top 10 Good Things About Being in Iraq Right Now


10. Practically no lines and Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super-Slide.
 9. Get to be on CNN a lot.
 8. If you have goofball name like "Saddam" or "Tario" no one makes
    fun of you.
 7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest
    Quayle jokes.
 6. Blasts from bombs may make the veils of hot babes fly off.
 5. At least everyone has stopped talking about that damn "Twin Peaks"
    show.
 4. If you're one of those people who really like giant posters of
    Saddam Hussein, the place is like Disneyland.
 3. Good chance whole country could be in next "Whatever Happened To?"
    book.
 2. Can party like it's 1999.
 1. It's still safer than New York City.



January 15, 1991

Top 10 Real Reasons We're Being Delayed Tonight


10. Tom Brokaw went off on a tangent about a piece of something or
    other he found in a sandwich recently.
 9. Carson show ran long.  Ed couldn't stop laughing.
 8. Had to annul my weekend marriage to Tyne Daly.
 7. To give extra time for really stupid people to set VCR's.
 6. John Chancellor concluded his news commentary by singing long
    version of "American Pie."
 5. Searched especially heard to find best damn studio audience in
    North America.
 4. Surprise walk-ons by Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Bonnie
    Franklin had to be edited out for legal reasons.
 3. Applause activated "The Clapper"; studio plunged into darkness.
 2. NBC hoping Tom Snyder would come back.
 1. None of your damn business.  The show is free, isn't it?



January 29, 1991

Top 10 Features of Saddam Hussein's Bunker


10. Goat-size microwave.
 9. State-of-the-art grooming facilities.
 8. A Gideon Koran.
 7. Button to launch Scuds hooked up to a Clapper.
 6. Security camera to catch woman who keeps breaking into bunker
    claiming to be Mrs. Hussein.
 5. Cheesy looking clock that was gift from PLO that he has to pull
    out every time Arafat visits.
 4. Babe-o-Matic periscope.
 3. Always calling his son-in-law a meathead (a feature of Archie
    Bunker's place).
 2. Shower (never used).
 1. Hitler's old La-Z-Boy recliner.



January 30, 1991

Top 10 Rejected Gimmicks for Doublemint Gum


10. The Doublemint drifter.
 9. The double-bypass twins.
 8. The Doublemint pack of vicious dogs that knock over garbage cans
    and bite kids.
 7. The one dentist out of five who doesn't recommend Trident.
 6. The Doublemint bachelor and his longtime companion.
 5. MacNeil and Lehrer, those gum-loving newshounds.
 4. The Doublemint woman with multiple personalities.
 3. Charles Manson in swimming trunks.
 2. The Doublemint triplets with Bob Guccione in a hot tub.
 1. Hitler 'n' Hussein: the Mint Boys.



January 31, 1991

Top 10 Reasons Eastern Airlines Went Bankrupt


10. Lavish keep-the-whole-can-of-soda policy.
 9. Bad timing for new "Baghdad Fun-in-the-Sun" promotion.
 8. Spent small fortune at crew lounges sending cocktails to Northwest
    pilots.
 7. Shouldn't have copied Domino's Pizza campaign: "If you're not
    there in 30 minutes -- the flight's free!"
 6. Insane policy of hiring MIT physicists just to make sure the
    dessert squares were perfectly square.
 5. You think it doesn't cost money to falsify safety records?
 4. Could've saved money on jumbo economy-size containers of jet fuel
    instead of impulsively buying little cans of it at corner
    convenience store.
 3. Huge wallet where they kept their money stolen during recent rip
    to New York.
 2. Baggage handler Walter F. Collins of 1411 Hillturn Lane,
    Cincinnati, Ohio, who, damn it, just didn't hustle.
 1. You try giving away free bags of peanuts year after year after
    year!



February 1, 1991

Top 10 Headlines in Today's Baghdad Newspapers


10. Odd Western Custom of Relentlessly Dropping Bombs To Say "I
    Surrender" Continues
 9. Mix-up at Baby Milk Factory Actually Produces Baby Milk
 8. American Team Loses Superbowl
 7. Letter Bombs Go Up to 29 Cents.
 6. George Bush Falls; Can't Get Up
 5. Elvis Is Living in My Bunker (Baghdad Enquirer)
 4. Build Your Own Scud!  See Lifesytyle Section
 3. America Demoralized By Letterman's 9th Anniversary
 2. Victory Parade Rescheduled
 1. Big Lotto Winner Announced: Hussein Again!



February 5, 1991

Top 10 Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun


10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever.
 9. Each day tries a new falafel place for lunch.
 8. Two words: veil chasing.
 7. Daily letters to Jodie Foster.
 6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly phoning and
    asking if "Shlomo" is there.
 5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors.
 4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes in his
    frequent-flyer miles from Eastern Airlines.
 3. Nude volleyball with Republican Guards.
 2. Put speakers out hotel windows and blasts "Born in the U.S.A."
 1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer.



February 6, 1991

Top 10 Signs the Iraqi Military Is Cracking


10. When allied bomb misses them, they no longer do "the wave."
 9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from
    Motley Crue.
 8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy."
 7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from
    Iraqi troops.
 6. Iraqi officers suddenly complaining that their bunkers smell like
    corn chips.
 5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck
    Norris.
 4. Iraqi government offering a $100 reward to any Israeli who returns
    an unexploded Scud in good condition.
 3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel
    and give up.
 2. Thousands of applications from Iraq flooding New York City Taxi
    Commission.
 1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger
    Iraqi response of "Less filling!"



February 7, 1991

Top 10 Top Secret Projects at Birdseye Village


10. A strain of lima beans with a refreshing menthol center.
 9. A way to send Hollandaise sauce over a fax machine.
 8. Spinach that actually makes you really strong for a couple of
    minutes.
 7. Defrosting Walt Disney.
 6. A TV show with a fat guy and a skinny guy who review movies and
    plug frozen vegetables.
 5. Test marketing actual frozen birds' eyes.
 4. Sexy Swedish twins (not a product, just something for the boys in
    the lab).
 3. Scud missile that seeks out and destroys the old guy in the
    Pepperidge Farm ad.
 2. A new less-embarrassing name for "niblets."
 1. Nerve peas.



February 8, 1991

Top 10 Ways to Lure Hussein Out of His Bunker


10. Remind him McRibs are for a limited time only.
 9. Bribe paper boy to toss paper far from bunker door.
 8. Tell him his long-lost son Gene Shalit has come home.
 7. $10 bill on a 100-mile string.
 6. Have Richard Simmons pull up in his powder blue '57 T-bird and hop
    around on the lawn.
 5. Have Ed McMahon at front door ready to personally hand him a check
    for one million dollars.
 4. Fudge.
 3. Get local electronics store to offer prices so low they're
    practically giving it away!
 2. Send in the ghost of Lorne Greene.
 1. Drop open bottle of Cher's perfume down ventilator shaft.



February 12, 1991

Top 10 Other Nicknames for Lincoln


10. The Abe-o-litionist
 9. Vanilla Abe
 8. Town Car
 7. Mr. Five Dollar Bill
 6. Grand champion, 4 years running, White House slam dunk contest
 5. The Fonz
 4. Mary Todd's Old Man (hippies only)
 3. Little Debbie
 2. The Illinois Babe Magnet
 1. Aaaaaaaaaaabe



February 13, 1991

Top 10 Reasons CNN Let the Iraqis Use Their Phone Lines


10. Iraq told them they had never used a football phone before.
 9. Needed to call 911; report a lot of mysterious explosions in
    neighborhood.
 8. Iraqi guy told Peter Arnett he just wanted to show him how to play
    CNN theme on touch-tone buttons.
 7. To call 970-VEIL.
 6. Trying to win Bon Jovi tickets by being 100th caller to Radio
    Baghdad.
 5. Wanted to talk to Time-Life operator Susie.
 4. Foreman of Iraqi "baby milk factory" had to place a rush order for
    "pacifiers" from Germany.
 3. Thought it was funny idea to call Baghdad airport and have them
    page "Dick Hertz."
 2. Iraq promised to use Sprint and get big savings over AT&T, but
    when the bill came, where were the "big" savings?  I mean, I
    thought it was a typo!  If you switched from AT&T, it's easier
    than ever to come back.
 1. Hoping to screw Dominos out of free pizza.



February 14, 1991

Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Secretary of Transportation Samuel K. Skinner


10. You read nine newspapers a day in hopes of seeing his name.
 9. You believe his speeches to gatherings of civil engineers are
    filled with secret messages to you.
 8. You hate the other cabinet members for holding him back.
 7. In your new wallet, where it says, "In case of emergency please
    notify," you've filled in "Samuel K. Skinner."
 6. Whenever you hear someone say, "Man, the bus is late again," the
    next thing you know, you're in a fist fight.
 5. You've put posters of him up right over your old posters of former
    Transportation Secretary James Burnley.
 4. When you're a contestant on Jeopardy, no matter what the category
    or answer is, you always hit the buzzer and say, "Who is Samuel K.
    Skinner?"
 3. You keep breaking into his house claiming to be Mrs. Skinner.
 2. You drive 55, hoping he'll notice.
 1. You come to after being hit with a 2x4 and say, "Forget about me.
    How's Samuel K. Skinner?"



February 15, 1991

Top 10 Dog Excuses for Losing the Dog Show


10. Mistaken in assumption there would be a chance to show off talent
    for drinking from toilet.
 9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
 8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
 7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle
    Three.
 6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
 5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool.
 4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
 3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
 2. Money goes to trainer anyway.  So let him stand naked in Madison
    Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
 1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.



February 20, 1991

Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Rehabilitated


10. Can now remember six of the Commandments.
 9. Has thrown out his Rolodex of preacher groupies.
 8. His prayers include much less frequent use of the term "vacation
    home."
 7. No longer shoplifts condoms.
 6. Openly admits his attraction to Tammy Faye may have been a passing
    clown fetish.
 5. Has told groups of visiting theologians, in all candor, "I am an
    incredible dork."
 4. Has stopped writing letters asking ABC too save "Cop Rock."
 3. Got Sports Illustrated subscription for the football phone -- not
    the swimsuit issue.
 2. Now gleefully admits that yes, he does look like a frog.
 1. He's wearing pants again.



February 21, 1991

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Republican Guard


10. Giggling during story time.
 9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
 8. Forging letter of recommendation from Steinbrenner.
 7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping your gun and screaming
    like a woman.
 6. Wearing "Home of the Scud Missile" boxer shorts.
 5. Comments like, "Wow!  That Hussein guy is nuts!"
 4. Holding membership in B'nai Brith.
 3. Showering.
 2. Double dating with Arthur Kent.
 1. Laughing hysterically as you point to the sky and say, "Hey look
    everybody!  More B-52's!"



February 22, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular New Car Options


10. Rear window fogger.
 9. Pre-filled ashtrays.
 8. Passenger airbag in trunk.
 7. Drifter in the backseat who says, "Your door is open."
 6. Hydraulic roadkill scoop.
 5. 35 smelly Ringling Brothers clowns.
 4. Ceiling fans.
 3. Electronic scanner that reads the mind of Roddy McDowell.
 2. Oprahometer.
 1. Intermittent steering.



February 26, 1991

Top 10 Iraqi Excuses


10. Heard there was a big prize for one millionth Iraqi who
    surrendered.
 9. Our big chance to be on CNN.
 8. Terribly upset over death of Gary from "thirtysomething."
 7. Used a New York Jets playbook.
 6. Winning a war is nothing like tingly sensation of kissing Saudi
    soldiers.
 5. Garden hose could barely reach B-52's, let alone slow them up.
 4. Thought it was the line for "Silence of the Lambs" -- next thing
    you know, we're POW's!
 3. Why should we fight when Hussein is in his bunker, watching MTV
    and getting wasted?
 2. Wanted to get first-round draft pick next season.
 1. Just a big popularity contest anyway.



February 27, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard in Kuwait City


10. Hello, State Farm?
 9. What's Don King doing here?
 8. Cop Rock's been cancelled?
 7. Who's frying goat?
 6. Baby, I bet your face is too beautiful to hide behind that veil!
 5. Sir, some of the other POW's are hogging the make-your-own-sundae
    bar.
 4. Hey everybody!  It's paint-up, fix-up, spruce-up time!
 3. This looks like a party at Phyllis Diller's place.  [Bob Hope
    only.]
 2. Why are all the cab drivers here named Smith?
 1. OK, considering the craters in the road, I'll give you 45 minutes
    to get the pizza here.



February 28, 1991

Top 10 Things We Will Miss About Saddam Hussein


10. Cute way his nose wrinkles when he orders a Scud launch.
 9. Way he teased us about making us swim in our own blood.
 8. His terrorist-studded Oscar-watching parties.
 7. Those funny commercials where he'd say, "Time to make the donuts."
 6. Way he'd look around as everybody laughed at the mashed potatoes
    in his moustache.
 5. The way he made Donald Trump seem not so bad really.
 4. Funny voice he'd use for sock puppet while ordering execution of
    family members.
 3. His "just folks" bunker hospitality.
 2. He gave bullies, thieves, and jerks a much-needed role model.
 1. Way you could make him jump a mile by popping a paper bag.



March 1, 1991

Top 10 Ways Bush Could Blow It in '92


10. Unloads Barbara for a 19-year-old male prostitute.
 9. Gets sick during White House ceremony; throws up on Super Bowl
    winners.
 8. Lets Hussein stay in Lincoln bedroom for 6 months while he "gets
    his head together."
 7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in the face.
 6. It is revealed that he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf war.
 5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler moustache.
 4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conferences shirtless.
 3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
 2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
 1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."



March 12, 1991

Top 10 Courses Taken by Basketball Players at UNLV


10. Investing Your Illegal Recruiting Money Wisely.
 9. NBA Team Mascots: Are They Really Big Animals?
 8. Naming the Presidents Since Kennedy.
 7. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg.
 6. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study.
 5. The College Classroom: A Simulation.
 4. Nudie Paintings from the Olden Days.
 3. Copying Off the Exam of the Asian Guy in Front of You.
 2. How To Spell Tarkanian.
 1. How To Choose the Best Free Car.



March 13, 1991

Top 10 New Promotional Slogans for Sudafed


10. Sudafed: I dare you!
 9. Comes in regular non-fatal and now new fatal!
 8. Some of the same chemicals used by the Iraqi army.
 7. Sudafed, it rhymes with dead!
 6. Claus von Bulow liked it so much he bought the company!
 5. Take a dance lesson with Arthur Murray.
 4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got nothing to worry about.
 3. Sudafed, take me away!
 2. If your not dead in 30 minutes -- the Sudafed's free!
 1. No more food, no more folks, no more fun.



March 14, 1991

Top 10 Things the Emir Has To Do Now that He's Back in Kuwait


10. Pick up goat from kennel.
 9. Open the 50 letters he's gotten from Ed McMahon.
 8. Brush up on wives' names.
 7. Patch up damaged felt on bumper-pool table.
 6. Drive around Kuwait City yelling, "How'm I doing?" at pedestrians.
 5. Replace zoo animals eaten by Iraqi army breakfast club.
 4. Sit back, take a couple Sudafed, and don't worry about a thing.
 3. Go down to Hallmark shop to get nice card for George Bush reading,
    "Thanks for saving my ass."
 2. One word: Ajax.
 1. Just be the best damn Emir he's capable of being!



March 15, 1991

Top 10 Amish Spring Break Activities


10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
 9. Wet bonnet contest.
 8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
 7. Buttermilk kegger.
 6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
 5. Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns."
 4. Cruise streets of Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with
    zippers.
 3. Sleep in 'til 6 a.m.
 2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick ass.
 1. Churning butter naked.



March 19, 1991

Top 10 Pet Peeves of Guys Who Manage Big & Tall Men's Stores


10. Fat guys who get their inseam measured a couple of times and then
    don't buy anything.
 9. When a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain.
 8. When Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits.
 7. Annoying "thwack" sound when customer walks into ceiling fan.
 6. Never get to meet Jake.  Only get to meet the Fat Man.
 5. It's "Big & Tall Men's Store Managers Day" at the ball park -- and
    you have to work.
 4. When a big and tall guy gets wedged in door frame and you have to
    call the fire department.
 3. Willard.
 2. While fitting a fat guy on your lunch hour, he asks if you're
    going to finish that sandwich.
 1. Two words: broken chairs.



March 21, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Pay-Per-View Specials


10. All-American Rasping Cough-Off
 9. Magician Doug Henning Gets His Teeth Cleaned
 8. An Evening with a Guy Who Kind of Looks Like Frank Sinatra
 7. White NBA Players' All-Star Game
 6. Raymond Burr's Night of 100 Pants
 5. Texas Rangers Batting Practice
 4. Live from the Arctic Circle: It's a Big Melting Iceberg
 3. Whittle-mania!
 2. The-Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy: Up Close and Personal
 1. The Liver Capades



March 22, 1991

Top 10 Signs of Spring in New York City


10. Crack dens take down storm windows.
 9. Dramatic increase in number of murders committed with gardening
    equipment.
 8. First robin of spring spotted in mouth of guy on D train.
 7. Lovely pastel colors used for chalk body outlines.
 6. Guys who usually take leaks in subway now take leaks on street.
 5. Yankees mathematically eliminated from American League pennant
    race.
 4. Tourists return for trial of guy who assaulted them last
    Christmas.
 3. Garbage collectors start going topless.
 2. Dog-sized rat emerges from subway and sees his shadow.
 1. Strangers begin moving into my house.



March 26, 1991

Top 10 Slogans for the World League of American Football


10. All our players have day jobs!
 9. From the makers of "Cop Rock."
 8. You might see some snotty European break something!
 7. Tired of watching overpaid, well-known, highly gifted athletes?
 6. C'mon!  We're trying to get enough people together for a wave!
 5. If you half-close your eyes, it sort of looks like arena football.
 4. We're trying to get Paul Shaffer for a halftime show.
 3. You can't spell "waffle" without W-L-A-F.
 2. Because when somebody says "Barcelona," "London," or "Frankfurt"
    -- you think football!
 1. No Steinbrenner!



March 27, 1991

Top 10 Things Norman Schwarzkopf Has To Do To Get a Fifth Star


10. Sell more cookies than anyone else in his unit.
 9. During his next "20/20" interview, punch Hugh Downs.
 8. Have friend make gun and bomb noises every time he calls Bush so
    it'll seem like he's still fighting really hard.
 7. Hope that somehow Pizza Hut has a promotion: "Eat five pizzas --
    get a fifth U. S. General Star free!"
 6. Capture LAPD Chief Gates.
 5. Beat Sgt. Slaughter in best 2 out of 3 falls in "Wrestlemania."
 4. Somehow fix it so White House gets free HBO.
 3. Hope and pray Bob Guccione doesn't print nude photos.
 2. Do at least a halfway-decent job on the parallel parking part of
    the test.
 1. Do some five-star butt kissing.



March 29, 1991

Top 10 Rejected Names for Kentucky Fried Chicken


10. Lifeless Bird Lumps
 9. KFC & CPR
 8. Hot Oily Hens
 7. Greaseland
 6. The You're-A-Little-Too-Late Petting Zoo
 5. Heart Attack Helper
 4. Jiffy Lube (already taken)
 3. Home of the Soggy Grease-Stained Bucket o' Fun
 2. Food, Folks, and Fat
 1. Artery Busters



April 2, 1991

Top 10 April Fools Day Jokes in New York City


10. Super-glue automatic weapon to curb and watch passersby try to
    pick it up.
 9. Put fake vomit on sidewalk right next to real vomit.
 8. Suicide hotline puts you on hold while playing Van Halen's "Jump!"
 7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry
    -- then give them back their jewelry.
 6. Add tail to chalk body outlines.
 5. Screaming, "The stock market is down!" and tossing life-size dummy
    off building.
 4. Instead of Miranda warning, cops say, "You have the right to
    commit crimes."
 3. Putting "kick me" sign on guy's back before you throw him in East
    River.
 2. Cab drivers speak perfect English.
 1. Crack dens replace regular crack with Folgers Crystals.



April 3, 1991

Top 10 Umpire Complaints


10. Having to carpool with team mascot.
 9. Line-up card from Don Zimmer always smeared with spaghetti sauce.
 8. When a manager who's yelling right in your face suddenly kisses
    you.
 7. Have to use glass-bottom shower over concession stand.
 6. When they show your wife in bed with some other guy on
    Diamondvision.
 5. Players who ask if you would scratch them.
 4. All those empty Slim-Fast containers around Dodger dugout.
 3. When San Diego Chicken steals your street clothes and sets them on
    fire during his pre-game dance.
 2. In most states "killing the umpire" only a class B misdemeanor.
 1. Squat burns.



April 4, 1991

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different If Everyone Was Named Phil


10. Almost impossible to get personal license plate "PHIL."
 9. Ben & Jerry's ice cream now called Phil & Phil's.
 8. Expectant parents could be heard saying "Phil if it's a boy and
    Phil if it's a girl."
 7. When caller to Donahue show said "Phil?" everyone in audience
    would reply "Yes?"
 6. 007 fans look forward to classic line, "Bond. Phil Bond."
 5. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid
    bastard!" New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going,
    Phil, you stupid bastard!"
 4. Some woman named Phil would keep breaking into my house.
 3. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page "Phil
    Hertz."
 2. Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on the "Tonight
    Show."
 1. Most popular Beatle?  Phil.



April 5, 1991

Top 10 Ways To Tell You're Possessed


10. You feel stuffed, even after a light dinner.
 9. Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur.
 8. You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but a
    T-shirt.
 7. You ask barber to cut hair a little more like Hitler's.
 6. You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like.
 5. You don't have to use rearview mirror to look at the cars behind
    you.
 4. You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes."
 3. You're convinced you can make decorations out of orange peels.
 2. You become Vice President of the United States even though you are
    a total boob.
 1. When "Father Dowling" comes on your eyes start to sting.



April 9, 1991

Top 10 Signs That Your Wife Is Seeing Frank Sinatra


10. She replaces the Paul Newman spaghetti sauce with the Frank
    Sinatra spaghetti sauce.
 9. She insists on doing all the grocery shopping in Las Vegas.
 8. Always leans on horn when she sees "Honk if you've slept with
    Sinatra" bumper sticker.
 7. She starts praising the songwriting genius of Mr. Jimmy van
    Huesen.
 6. Her rival in the PTA suddenly washes up in reservoir.
 5. You turn on "Entertainment Tonight" and see Sinatra wearing your
    pajamas.
 4. Always saying to your son, "Why can't you be more like that nice
    Frank Sinatra, Jr.?"
 3. She's laughing just a little too hard at this list.
 2. People who owe her money for Tupperware suddenly begin paying up.
 1. She comes home smelling like a sweaty tuxedo.



April 10, 1991

Top 10 Shocking Revelations in Kitty Kelly's Biography of Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy's


10. Also had White House affair with Nancy Reagan.
 9. Once ate a Wendy's double cheeseburger off a hooker's chest.
 8. Anyone who opposes him could wake up to find a greasy hamburger
    patty in their bed.
 7. Little girl who was original Wendy in logo now a grown-up cocktail
    waitress in a Houston strip joint.
 6. Once called John Gotti to ask how much it would cost to "take care
    of Ronald McDonald."
 5. Would drop pants at board meetings whenever someone said, "Where's
    the beef?"
 4. Claims Prince's song "Raspberry Beret" is actually about him.
 3. Pulls up to Burger King drive-thru intercom, orders 500 burgers,
    then backs out.
 2. Once shot out TV set when Col. Sanders came on.
 1. Enjoys leaning against shake machine because it vibrates so much.



April 11, 1991

Top 10 Post-Mission Maintenance Chores on the Space Shuttle


10. Return seats to upright position.
 9. Vacuum up Tang on carpet.
 8. Reset coordinates on death ray so people don't know it was pointed
    at Rex Reed's house.
 7. Throw away old ketchup packets in glove compartment.
 6. Take shuttle to street corner in lower Manhattan to get windshield
    squeegeed.
 5. Get roadies to unload amps and drum kit.
 4. Hose down area where they had zero-gravity pie-eating contest.
 3. Scrape off strange pulsing pod-like thing that attached self to
    wing.  Toss in trash.  Forget about it.
 2. Pull twin beds apart.
 1. Fill up tank and record mileage.  Please leave key in shuttle.



April 12, 1991

Top 10 Most Common New York City Health Code Violations


10. Hot dogs kept warm in street vendor's pants.
 9. Rat in rice canister not wearing a hair net.
 8. Dishwasher replaced by Saint Bernard who laps plates clean.
 7. Tank of live lobsters with wet hacking coughs.
 6. Kitchen full of shirtless fat guys soothing sunburns with raw
    veal.
 5. Fry cook not washing hands after strangling somebody.
 4. Raymond Burr's swimming trunks found in kettle of corn chowder.
 3. French onion soup thickened with Vaseline.
 2. Al Sharpton's hot tub.
 1. So-called "Sidewalk Pate."



April 23, 1991

Top 10 Slogans for the New McLean Burger


10. Now it takes twice as long to clog your arteries.
 9. Not only secret sauce -- secret meat!
 8. Developed after Mayor McCheese's double by-pass.
 7. Almost as tasty as those green shakes we sell around St. Patrick's
    Day.
 6. OK.  The McNuggets suck.  But these are good!  Really!
 5. Why not spend the day chewing?
 4. Consult your physician if dizziness occurs.
 3. Eat me.
 2. If this was around in 1965, Elvis would be alive today.
 1. Give it a try, fat boy.



April 24, 1991

Announcer Bill Wendell's Top 10 Favorite Words To Pronounce


10. Rotisserie
 9. Diphtheria
 8. Sununu
 7. Thick-a-licious
 6. Yank
 5. Wolverine
 4. Fahrvergnugen
 3. Mellencamp
 2. Ringworm
 1. Weiner



April 26, 1991

Top 10 Good Things about Ted Kennedy


10. Not the kind of person who snobbishly insists on wearing pants.
 9. Holds high score on Pac-Man machine at Au Bar.
 8. Does hilarious imitation of that Pepperidge Farm guy.
 7. Cried when Gary character died on "thirtysomething".
 6. Ate his own weight in McRibs before limited time offer expired.
 5. Doesn't hog the Nordic Track.
 4. *
 3. Does a great job as San Diego Chicken.
 2. Proof you can become a U. S. Senator even though your family has
    hundreds of millions of dollars.
 1. Every time he gets away with something, it drives Nixon nuts.

* Still waiting to hear from Palm Beach police.



April 30, 1991

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Birthday Activities


10. Pose for snapshots with moustache-shaped cake.
 9. Admire trophy from staff inscribed, "World's Greatest Dictator."
 8. Get photos of visit to Kuwait back from Fotomat.
 7. Get birthday wish from fat weather guy on Iraqi Today Show.
 6. Strip-o-Gram from Khadafy where girl takes off veil only.
 5. Go to T.G.I.Friday's; show drivers license; get free order of
    buffalo wings.
 4. Suck helium out of balloons; issue execution orders in high
    squeaky voice.
 3. Shower (odd birthdays only).
 2. Hide in bunker in case U. S. Air Force decides to give him another
    "surprise party."
 1. Take off pants; pretend he's Ted Kennedy.



May 1, 1991

Al Sharpton's Top 10 Travel Tips


10. To avoid overweight charges for luggage, wear as many of your
    medallions as possible.
 9. Don't forget the electrical adapter for your blow dryer.
 8. All foreign food is good if you bring your own gravy.
 7. Before making reservations, make sure hotel has fat guy suite.
 6. If hair pomade is not available in Far East, duck sauce will work.
 5. March on Buckingham Palace to protest fact that there hasn't been
    a black king in years.
 4. When in Venice, have them load up front end of gondola with sacks
    of peat moss to balance you out.
 3. If the Pope tries wearing some big medallion, go ahead and wear
    two.
 2. Be careful: in some countries, being loud and obnoxious is
    considered rude.
 1. Trust me: one jogging suit is all you'll need.



May 2, 1991

Top 10 Serial Killer Pet Peeves


10. Police composite sketches that make you look 10 years older than
    you really are.
 9. Hefty bags that leak.
 8. When you're hoping for a cool nickname like "Zodiac" or "Midnight
    Madman" and media gives you nickname "Tubby."
 7. Crummy Ginsu knives they sell on TV that claim to stay sharp
    forever.
 6. When really expensive "night vision goggles" turn out to be just a
    scuba mask with red cellophane taped over glass.
 5. When you're a really neat serial killer and you have to move in
    with a really messy serial killer.
 4. It's always some neighbor you barely knew who ends up yapping on
    the news about you being "a troubled loner."
 3. Rarely have "Serial Killer Day" at the ballpark.
 2. When you finally meet somebody you like, you always end up killing
    them.
 1. Movie "Silence of the Lambs" not as funny as the book.



May 3, 1991

Top 10 Ways NBC News Can Save Money


10. Make stuff up.
 9. Somehow incorporate news items into "Cosby Show."
 8. Sneak in plugs like: "The shuttle's reentry was as smooth as a
    nice cold Bud."
 7. Stop buying G.E. bulbs and get some that don't burn out so fast.
 6. Four words: Arthur Kent kissing booth.
 5. Sell old reruns to Arts & Entertainment Cable Network.
 4. Limit coverage to things that happen in the building.
 3. Fire Dr. Art Ulene.
 2. Water down the ketchup.
 1. Every night have Brokaw turn on portable TV and say, "Shall we
    watch the CBS news together?"



May 7, 1991

Top 10 Ways Quayle Can Build Up Public Confidence


10. Borrow those fake glasses Stallone wears to look smarter.
 9. Have his Dad give everybody five bucks.
 8. Think of snappy comeback to that "You're no John F. Kennedy"
    zinger.
 7. All speeches lip-synched to voice of James Earl Jones.
 6. Go on "American Gladiators" and kick ass in the Atlasphere.
 5. Do that trick where it looks like you're pulling off part of your
    thumb but you're really moving other thumb.
 4. Appear before Subcommittee on Multiplication Tables.
 3. Announce with quiet determination that he's leaving politics.
 2. Get Bush to stop wearing "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.
 1. Win "Vice-Presidents Week" on Jeopardy.



May 8, 1991

Top 10 Rejected Medical Treatments for the President


10. Atomic chest punch delivered by Hulk Hogan.
 9. A delicious shake for breakfast, another for lunch, and a sensible
    dinner.
 8. Have Merlin Olsen deliver special FTD "Heart Started" bouquet.
 7. Transplant his brain into body of a healthy house cat.
 6. Tell him "Late Night" booked Kamaar!
 5. Sandra Day O'Connor's famous split pea soup.
 4. A good swift kick in the ass.
 3. Shrink down George Kennedy to microscopic size, inject into
    bloodstream, let him do what he can.
 2. Vicks Vap-o-Rub.
 1. Sununu naked.



May 9, 1991

Top 10 Keebler Elf Euphemisms for Death


10. Bit the big morsel
 9. Failed his freshness test
 8. On the cooling rack
 7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
 6. Gone to aisle three
 5. Creamy casket filling
 4. Owl bait
 3. Super-fudge-a-riffically-dead
 2. Overbaked
 1. Somebody get the mini-vac!



May 10, 1991

John Sununu's Top 10 Other Ethics Violations


10. Used nuclear sub Ticonderoga to pick up carton of Luckies from
    Nantucket 7-Eleven.
 9. Used CIA technology to be 104th caller and win party weekend with
    Tesla.
 8. Altered drivers license to John "Sunoco" and tried to get free
    gas.
 7. Borrowed Fonzie's jacket from Smithsonian for Halloween party.
 6. Appeared on "20/20" claiming to be Buckwheat.
 5. Had presidential helicopter fly low over yard and trim his hedges.
 4. Had Quayle wash his car.
 3. Sneaking down to warehouse to eat government cheese.
 2. Midnight lap parties at the Lincoln Memorial.
 1. Acting weaselly in general.



May 14, 1991

Top 10 Duties of the Queen


10. Gets to throw first punch at British soccer riots.
 9. Appears in TV ads for London Radio Shacks.
 8. Put on big furry hillbilly bear costume and greet visitors to
    Buckingham Palace.
 7. Feed the royal monkees.
 6. Play local disc jockeys in donkey basketball games for charity.
 5. Represent the United Kingdom among the Gorgeous Ladies of
    Wrestling.
 4. Make Prince Andrew stop wearing T-shirt that says, "Wanna see the
    Royal Jewels?"
 3. Must chase, kill, and consume barn rats.
 2. Kick the Queen of Sweden's ass in croquet.
 1. Tip like a big shot.



May 15, 1991

Top 10 Revelations in the New Madonna Movie


10. Was kicked out of "Up with People" for grabbing herself during
    half-time show.
 9. Flies to concerts on military aircraft at taxpayers' expense.
 8. Her marriage to Sean Penn may be in trouble.
 7. Can do this thing where she stops an electric car window with her
    head.
 6. Metal brassiere handy for opening long-neck buds.
 5. Fire marshall once closed down her bedroom for overcrowding.
 4. Opening act on the Blonde Ambition tour: Carol Gold from Ontario
    Science Center.
 3. Warren Beatty is only 4' 10".
 2. She's actually a painfully shy recluse who will do anything to
    avoid attention.
 1. She once slept with Nancy Reagan.



May 16, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Ballpark Last Night


10. I'm sorry, your Majesty, you're not allowed to bring coolers into
    the stadium.
 9. Look!  She's trying to get the wave started again!
 8. Don't worry.  Beer won't stain ermine.
 7. Hey Queen!  Will you autograph my stomach?
 6. Where's Quayle with the nachos?
 5. What excitement!  Our first ballgame!  And tomorrow -- Motorhead
    on Letterman!
 4. Hey!  Your Majesty!  You want to pass me my change?
 3. For a small woman, you sure can hold a lot of beer.
 2. I don't care if you're the Queen of England -- you're sitting in
    my seat!
 1. Oooh!  That foul tip bent her tiara!



May 17, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular L. L. Bean Catalog Items


10. The Al Sharpton compass medallion.
 9. The used Ace bandage hammock.
 8. NASA's Hubble binoculars.
 7. Fake bear vomit for laughs on camping trips.
 6. Freeze-dried gristle.
 5. The catheter-equipped waders.
 4. The Ted Kennedy suit (pants no included).
 3. L. L. Bean portable suicide machine-in-a-backpack.
 2. Goose down condoms.
 1. The super-slippery axe.



May 21, 1991

Top 10 Research Projects at Clown College


10. The correlation of exploding cigars and facial abrasions.
 9. Seltzer vs. soda water: which is funnier?
 8. Anti-gravity hair.
 7. Reducing carpool costs by traveling 28 to a car.
 6. Big shoes that are resistant to elephant manure.
 5. Can a cream pie's cholesterol be absorbed through the facial skin?
 4. The Hubble telescope.
 3. Why chicks dig clowns.
 2. Prehistoric forerunners of the rubber weenie.
 1. Should steroids for the feet be banned?



May 22, 1991

Top 10 Other Approved Exercises for Bush


10. Bench-pressing Sununu's expense reports.
 9. Air guitar.
 8. Doing the hula to Neil Diamond records.
 7. Running to top of Capitol steps then jumping up and down like
    Rocky.
 6. Joining Secret Service in game of keep-away with Quayle's hat.
 5. Looking for leftover Easter eggs on White House lawn.
 4. Crushing beer cans against his forehead.
 3. Exercise the ol' pocket veto, if you know what I mean.
 2. Sweatin' to the oldies.
 1. Bar hopping with Ted Kennedy.



May 23, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at the NBC Affiliate Convention


10. If Willard goes insane on the air, do we get our money back?
 9. What we need is a show with some singing cops.
 8. Mmmmm!  I love grilled peacock!
 7. I can't wait to meet that kid from "The Simpsons"!
 6. I'm sorry, Miss Norville.  I just don't need any Tupperware.
 5. Under each of your seats you will find a bag containing candy and
    small amusements.  Please enjoy them.
 4. Look at the line for the Arthur Kent kissing booth!
 3. Forget the fall season!  The whores are here!
 2. Who's going to break the bad news to Letterman?
 1. Please Mr. Brokaw -- put on some pants!



May 24, 1991

Ted Kennedy's Top 10 Party Tips


10. Having a son or nephew around is a great ice-breaker with the
    younger babes.
 9. Flaming tumblers of Sambuca keep away gnats.
 8. Pretending to lose a contact lens is a terrific way to look up
    skirts.
 7. Make sure cocktail napkins have liability waiver on back.
 6. Wake up the kids after midnight for Jello shots.
 5. Mix Chivas and Slim-Fast: get drunk and lose weight.
 4. Two words: Wang Chung.
 3. Invite Supreme Court Justice David Souter -- that guy is a party
    nut job!
 2. Billy Dee Williams was right: Colt 45.
 1. Take off pants.  Mingle.



June 4, 1991

Vanilla Ice's Top 10 Excuses


10. Upset after street vendor called him "Italian Ice."
 9. Emotionally unstable since cancellation of "thirtysomething."
 8. Thought guy was going to muss up his hair.
 7. Just holding on to gun for Ike Turner till he gets out of prison.
 6. In emergency situation, reflexively thought, "What would Bernhard
    Goetz do?"
 5. Felt he had not yet pushed the outer boundaries of human stupidity
    far enough.
 4. Vendor had dissed Ice's main man Hugh Downs.
 3. Prozac.
 2. Didn't have a gun; was just happy to see him.
 1. Wanted to meet kids from "Diff'rent Strokes."



June 5, 1991

Top 10 Highlights of the C. Everett Koop Show


10. When the ridiculous fake beard started to fall off.
 9. John Sununu trying to do a sit-up.
 8. Birth control demonstration with Super Dave Osborne.
 7. Surprise walk-on by Bob Hope during heart transplant operation.
 6. Tips on having safe sex with a Kennedy.
 5. The Claymation dancing liver spots.
 4. This really funny comedy piece called "A Day in the Life of the
    NBA."
 3. The way he kept grabbing his crotch like Madonna.
 2. Sixty incoherent seconds with a malaria-crazed Andy Rooney.
 1. Magic trick where he pulled a live dove out of his beard.



June 6, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Congressional Picnic


10. "Sununu looks good in those bicycle pants."
 9. "Just go behind the monument."
 8. "More Cheez Whiz, Congressman?"
 7. "I'm a member of the House of Representatives.  Stop calling me
    'Gopher'!"
 6. "No, Mr. Vice-President.  You don't put the potato sack on your
    head."
 5. "Isn't that Barney Frank and Bob Dole -- slow dancing?"
 4. "Strom Thurmond has fallen and he can't get up!"
 3. "Mrs. Bush just finished her 100th devilled egg!"
 2. "Put your pants on, Mr. Kennedy."
 1. "Could I have another taxpayer-subsidized burger?"



June 7, 1991

Top 10 Rejected Prom Themes


10. Let's Pretend We All Have Bright Futures
 9. A Night at the Hair Club for Men
 8. America's Most Wanted
 7. Rise Up and Kill the Popular Kids
 6. Children of the Damned
 5. Sorry I Made You Pregnant
 4. An Evening in Willie Nelson's Laundry Hamper
 3. Come as Your Gay English Teacher
 2. We Shall not Pass this Way Again -- Except for Our Really
    depressing Reunion in 10 Years
 1. 'Faced!



June 11, 1991

Top 10 Ways the Lakers Could Still Win the Series


10. No more snacks between baskets.
 9. Persuade Worthy to play just one quarter without a cigarette.
 8. Go back in time by dribbling around the equator at light speed.
 7. Give Lakers extra points for names like Magic and Vlade.
 6. Wear uniforms made of mirrors to screw with their minds.
 5. Have Jack Nicholson make movie about game; rewrite ending.
 4. Spend more time at home loving their families (contributed by the
    Church of Latter Day Saints).
 3. Michael Jordan replaced by French actor Louis Jourdan.
 2. Weep openly when fouled.
 1. Let some L.A. policemen "play" a quarter.



June 12, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular New York City Street Vendors


10. Deep-fried sewer bass
 9. Calamari-flavored Italian ice
 8. Hair Club for Men emergency glue booth
 7. Stunned mouse in a Dixie cup
 6. Speedee skin graft
 5. Your photo taken with cardboard cut-out of Federal Reserve Board
    chairman Alan Greenspan
 4. Fingerless Frank's mystery tacos
 3. Old-fashioned lint cakes
 2. Piping hot fried dough plus a whack with a hammer
 1. Honey-roasted ticks



June 13, 1991

Jim's Top 10 Names for His New Hat Store


10. Jim's Brims
 9. Jimbo's Lid City
 8. Admiral Jim's Hats Ahoy!
 7. The Jim'o'shantery
 6. Crazy Jimmy's Hats for Insanely Low Prices
 5. Jim's Bulletproof/Knifeproof/Spitproof Hats (New York City only)
 4. Jim, Your Hat Smells Terrific!
 3. Wally's Hat Shop (under new management)
 2. If You Don't Want a Hat, Then Screw You
 1. Colonel Jim's Kentucky Fried Hats



June 14, 1991

Top 10 Effects of the Solar Flare


10. Tom Brokaw does Nightly News with thick Italian accent.
 9. Grocery bag boys suffer incontinence.
 8. Plate in my head starts getting warm.
 7. New York City cab drivers speak perfect English.
 6. Really bad NBC TV movie: "Solar Flare 2000."
 5. Audis shift into reverse without warning.
 4. Top 10 lists no longer seem funny.
 3. Don King's hair: no effect.
 2. Representatives from other television networks start phoning.
 1. GE lightbulbs burning out faster than usual.



June 18, 1991

Top 10 Surprises in the Zachary Taylor Autopsy


10. Had bottle caps and license plate in his stomach.
 9. Wearing green blazer from PGA Masters tournament.
 8. Pockets stuffed with little soaps you get free from motels.
 7. Coffin contained perfectly preserved package of Velveeta.
 6. Let's just say Mrs. Taylor was a very lucky woman.
 5. Used Crest -- but not new Crest with tartar-control gel.
 4. Currently has better memory than Reagan.
 3. He's not dead!
 2. There's some cocktail waitress in there with him.
 1. His nails are still salon perfect.



June 20, 1991

Top 10 Cool Things About Yeltsin


10. Once won air guitar contest at Moscow Houlihan's.
 9. Brews his own potato beer in a bucket in the attic.
 8. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish.
 7. Speaks some kind of funny Moon-man language.
 6. Cracks up Politburo by putting on leather jacket and doing his
    Boris "Dice" Yeltsin routine.
 5. On a bet, once ate 10,000 M&M's.
 4. "Yeltsin" is Russian word for "retsin."
 3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume at Red Square McDonalds.
 2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile.
 1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table.



June 20, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard in Line for "Kickboxer II"


10. "I hear there's lots of kickboxing in this one."
 9. "If you didn't see part one, you won't be able to follow it."
 8. "It's a lot like 'Star Wars' -- only it doesn't take place in
    space and there's a lot more kicking."
 7. "Do me a favor and kick me a couple times to get me in the mood."
 6. "Excuse me, Mrs. Onassis -- but could you quit shoving?"
 5. "I'll bet Julia Roberts broke up with Kiefer Sutherland 'cause he
    couldn't kickbox."
 4. "So after I knocked over the vase and flowers, my Mom said, 'No
    more kickboxing.' "
 3. "Aaieee!  Killer bees!"
 2. "Do you think Kickboxer could beat Terminator?"
 1. "It's the best movie ever made about people kicking each other."



June 21, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Funeral Director


10. He's wearing a paper trainee hat.
 9. Hawaiian punch used for embalming fluid.
 8. Hearse has Dominos logo on side; on way to cemetery they drop off
    a couple of pizzas.
 7. Tells you, "I can't help this man.  He's dead."
 6. Asks if you want cremation to be original or crispy.
 5. Offers "Al Sharpton Special" where body is dressed up in jogging
    suit and medallion.
 4. Gives you business card for his second-hand eyeglass and denture
    shop.
 3. He tells bereaved, "I'm pretty sure your uncle's in hell by now."
 2. Two days after the funeral you see the deceased alive again doing
    yard work for the funeral director.
 1. Replaces ashes of loved one with Folgers crystals.



June 25, 1991

Top 10 Signs Sununu Is About To Be Fired


10. His desk has been moved out by the dumpster.
 9. Only presidential meetings he can get is with Zachary Taylor.
 8. White House paper boy asked if he could get his Christmas tip
    early.
 7. "I'm with Sununu" T-shirts removed from gift shop.
 6. During meeting, Bush says, "I thought we fired your ass."
 5. When introduced, Yeltsin said, "You the guy they're losing?"
 4. In 1560, Nostradamus wrote, "A fat guy with a funny name will fly
    free and get fired."
 3. Jack Kemp said he could get him a tryout with the World League of
    American Football.
 2. Asked to appear on Donahue show about chiefs-of-staff who've been
    fired.
 1. Even Quayle won't give him the time of day.



June 26, 1991

Top 10 Other Things that Will Add Four Months to Your Life


10. Put suicide machine in reverse.
 9. Not giving the finger to Mr. Gotti's limo after he cuts you off.
 8. Dot your I's with a smiley face.
 7. After Thanksgiving dinner, loosen belt and fall asleep in easy
    chair.
 6. If you smoke, don't inhale; if you inhale, don't exhale.
 5. Being able to outrun the LAPD.
 4. Set yourself a goal: "I'm going to live four months longer than I
    normally would."  Stick to it.
 3. MCI instead of AT&T.
 2. Break into drug store and eat all the medicine.
 1. New Crack-lite!



June 27, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Boy Scout Merit Badges


10. Spit craft
 9. Sitting in fire
 8. Judy Garland lore
 7. Throat clearing
 6. Shallow grave maintenance
 5. Afternoon with Linda Lavin
 4. Trouser tenting
 3. Gatlin brother identification
 2. Heimliching squirrels
 1. Choreography



June 28, 1991

Top 10 Things Left Off the Original Declaration of Independence


10. Request that the British keep New Jersey.
 9. P.S. from John Hancock: "Have a bitchin' summer!"
 8. Gratuitous reference to King George as "wig-wearing crumpet
    monkey."
 7. Statement: Goodbye fish and chips.  Hello Colonel Sanders.
 6. Gag signature of "Sonny Bono."
 5. National mascot shall be the San Diego Chicken.
 4. Promise to paint any car for $99.95.
 3. Demand for more rock, less talk.
 2. To show there's no hard feelings, find enclosed a package of maple
    candy.
 1. Inalienable right to the pursuit of life, liberty, and leggy super
    models.

From: Schneider@cup.portal.com (Mike ---- Schneider) Date: 23 Oct 93
    23:22:45 GMT Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman Subject: Top Ten List
    1991B



July 9, 1991

Top 10 Canadian Nicknames for Americans


10. Skinny bacon lovers
 9. Willard-watchers
 8. Continent hogs
 7. Unmounties
 6. Surfboard-riding goofballs
 5. Individually wrapped cheese slice junkies
 4. Upper Mexicans
 3. Pizza-gorged convertible jockeys
 2. Star-spangled sissy boys
 1. Sununus



July 10, 1991

Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Clarence Thomas


10. Has two first names.
 9. Once reprimanded for using gavel to tenderize veal.
 8. Sees appointment to Supreme Court as stepping stone to meeting
    Paula Abdul .
 7. Sent man to jail in 1985 for eating pudding with a straw.
 6. Once while handing down a verdict, coined the phrase, "rat's ass."
 5. Wrestles under name of "The Georgia Cyclone."
 4. His legal writings make frequent reference to special episodes of
    "Kate & Allie."
 3. Has named his nine poodles after Supreme Court justices.
 2. Designs his own robes.
 1. Loves Jacoby; hates Myers.



July 11, 1991

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines


10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!"
 9. "Oww!  A papercut!"
 8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!"
 7. "When I think about you, I touch myself."
 6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?"
 5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?"
 4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
 3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?"
 2. "Help me, Letterman, help me!"
 1. "Who else loves show tunes?"



July 12, 1991

Top 10 Other Mary Hart Side Effects


10. Hair-do interferes with satellite communications.
 9. Giggle induces skin rash in laboratory rats.
 8. Rapid blinking causes Roger Ebert to give a thumbs-up when he
    meant to giv e a thumbs-down.
 7. Her hiccups get owls "hot."
 6. Every time she changes her oil, the Cleveland Indians win.
 5. Close proximity causes dopey grin (John Tesh only).
 4. Laughter causes McDLT hot side to become cold; cold side to become
    hot.
 3. Her Las Vegas show provokes sudden urge to get your money back.
 2. That volcano in the Philippines.
 1. Perfume sets off smoke alarms.



July 16, 1991

Top 10 Signs You're a Dumb Guy


10. Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
 9. Subsist entirely on diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
 8. Have to call electrician every morning to turn off alarm clock.
 7. You're positive you can run 55 mph simply by drinking gasoline.
 6. All your friends looked over at you when I announced the topic.
 5. People wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are always asking if
    then can wa lk beside you.
 4. You get a letter saying you've been approved for a VISA/Dumb Guy
    card.
 3. Childlike certainty you won't be dropped from the ticket in '92.
 2. Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer
    the door .
 1. Gladly pay a lot for a muffler.



July 17, 1991

Top 10 Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If Evel Knievel Were President


10. Nation's interstate system would include regularly spaced jump
    ramps.
 9. Giant flame decals added to side of Air Force One.
 8. More fatalities at annual Easter egg hunt.
 7. Court packed with judges favoring 270 mph speed limit.
 6. Secretary of state would wear special suit to greet diplomats
    while on fir e.
 5. Son Robbie Knievel would be screwing up S&L industry.
 4. While jumpsuit de rigeur at state dinners.
 3. Quayle would still be Vice-President -- but his kids would take
    him seriou sly.
 2. Americans closer to dream of seeing guy jump over his own face on
    Mt. Rush more.
 1. More babies named Evel.



July 18, 1991

Top 10 Reasons the Senate Needs a Raise


10. Now with C-Span, have to wear pants.
 9. Soviets not shelling out for classified stuff like they used to.
 8. Fees just doubled at the Hair Club for Men.
 7. They all bought shares in Neil Bush's "sure thing."
 6. No more money to be made selling drugs to Marion Barry.
 5. Disappointed in sales of "Senate Cola."
 4. "Bikini Open" only available on Pay-Per-View.
 3. Much of current income squandered on gum and flashlight batteries.
 2. New three drink minimum at Au Bar.
 1. Income from bribes not keeping pace with cost of hookers.




Top 10 Ways New York Adjusts to a Heat July 19, 1991

Wave


10. Hot dog vendors dab sweat from forehead with open bun.
 9. Ordinarily touchy and irritable New Yorkers now really touchy and
    irritabl e.
 8. To prevent dehydration, citizens shoplifting plenty of fluids.
 7. Crazy people begin conversations with themselves by talking about
    now hot it is.
 6. Guy on subway with mouthful of ice cubes will blow on you for a
    buck.
 5. Arsonists take week off to set fires at seashore.
 4. City pumps a little more air-conditioning into clean, efficient
    monorail s ystem.
 3. "I was hot" becomes legally acceptable defense for murder.
 2. Chefs place cool salmon fillets on their backs.
 1. Convertibles for drive-by shootings.



July 23, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at Rose Kennedy's 101st Birthday


10. "Willard didn't mention me.  Have him killed."
 9. "Maria, can you ask Terminator-boy to open this jar of pickles?"
 8. "Hope you like it.  It's called a flowbie."
 7. "Quiet down, everybody!  It's time to welcome comedy superstar
    Howie Mande l!"
 6. "Anybody seen Ted's pants?"
 5. "How nice!  Another crisp new $5 bill!"
 4. "The Chippendale dancers have asked that she keep her hands off
    them."
 3. "Who gave her all the dalmatians?"
 2. "The Chivas truck is here!"
 1. "And she's still just as sharp as Ronald Reagan!"



July 24, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Motel


10. Sheets are warm when you check in.
 9. When you sign register they ask, "Anyone know you're here?"
 8. Instead of "Sanitized for Your Protection," paper band on toilet
    says "Goo d Luck."
 7. Drinking glass is wrapped in a sock.
 6. On the pay-per-view porno channel you recognize motel staff.
 5. All night long people knock on your door claiming to have an
    appointment w ith someone named Donna.
 4. Clerk asks, "You folks mind dragonflies?"
 3. Instead of a wake-up call, they give you a wake-up slap.
 2. When you ask manager about Magic Fingers he says, "You're looking
    at 'em."

 1. Teeth marks in the soap.



July 26, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Cruises


10. Lake Shasta Fishing Charter
 9. Captain Hazelwood's Reef Safari
 8. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' Round the Equator
 7. The
    Guy-from-Milwaukee-Who-Chops-People-Up-and-Puts-Them-in-a-Freezer
    Fun Ship
 6. Saddam's Goat Boat
 5. Submarine under the Polar Ice Cap with Rip Taylor
 4. The Carnival People Cruise Line
 3. The Staten Island Ferry
 2. Love Boat Junket to the Kennedy Compound
 1. The S.S. Metal Fatigue



July 30, 1991

Top 10 Signs the Royal Marriage Is in Trouble


10. He's never in the mood to let the kids play with his ears anymore.
 9. Palace dwarf seen with long mopey face like he'd just been crying.
 8. Late night visits to Di's room from Sinatra.
 7. Charles has moved in with college pal Oscar Madison.
 6. She's always on phone with Jacoby; he's always on phone with
    Myers.
 5. In recent tiff with mother-in-law, Di yelled, "Who died and made
    you queen ?"
 4. Cake at anniversary party read: "To Charles & Diana on your 10th
    and final
 year together."
 3. Haven't played "polish the scepter" in months.
 2. They scream at each other like professional wrestlers.
 1. She's always griping: "Why don't you get a real job?"



July 31, 1991

Top 10 Acts not Good Enough for Circus of the Stars


10. Jake shoots the Fat Man out of a cannon.
 9. Sean Young as Catwoman.
 8. Joanne Worley consumes a lit cigar.
 7. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Calliope.
 6. Mary Hart gives bearded lady a fit with her voice.
 5. Hugh Downs takes a nap.
 4. That guy in Milwaukee dismembers two dozen clowns and stuffs them
    into one
 tiny car.
 3. David Letterman's hair.
 2. Doug Henning gargling.
 1. Siskel puts head into Ebert's mouth.



August 1, 1991

Top 10 Ways To Get a GE Executive Angry


10. Change the channel during wrestling.
 9. Replace quality Sylvania bulbs in his office with GE bulbs.
 8. Correct his grammar when he says, "We don't got no time for safety
    testing ."
 7. Knock loudly on his office door during nap-time.
 6. Tell him the truth about Pee-Wee.
 5. Call him up in middle of the night and ask, "How the heck does
    electricity
 work anyway?"
 4. Reveal ending to "Pro blem Child II."
 3. Ask to see his high school diploma.
 2. Tell him there's no such thing as "trouser pixies."
 1. Replace them all with a single malnourished monkey.



August 2, 1991

Top 10 Legal Holidays in Hell


10. Feast of St. Steinbrenner
 9. Hug-a-Lawyer Day
 8. Evil Groundhog Day
 7. Birthday of the Guy Who Invented "The Wave"
 6. Hitler Tuesday
 5. Presbyterians-Who-Giggled-in-Church Day
 4. Monday After the Fourth of July, If the Fourth Falls on a Weekend
 3. Honda Deal-a-thon Days
 2. All-Star Softball Game with Purgatory
 1. Saddam Appreciation Day



August 20, 1991

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Coup


10. "Excuse me, Mr. Yeltsin, are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
 9. "Get your Gorbachump T-shirt!"
 8. "Damn!  Just when we were this close to getting RC Cola!"
 7. "What the hell is Mookie Wilson doing here?"
 6. "Put your pants back on comrade Kennedy."
 5. "Will this affect the happy meals at the Moscow McDonald's?"
 4. "Raisa, better turn on the Bat Signal."
 3. "Are you a hardliner or are you just glad to see me?"
 2. "Aiieee!  Hurricane Bob!"
 1. "Now who gets to wear the cool forehead decal?"



August 21, 1991

Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Coup-Busting Tips


10. Drive around occupied Parliament, honking horn and shouting
    "Hardliners su ck!"
 9. Don't be tricked: before opening door, make sure it really is the
    pizza gu y.
 8. Keep phoning coup committee asking to speak with "Dick Hertz."
 7. Broadcast Mary Hart's voice into their bunker until they go nuts.
 6. Offer KGB secret American sneaker-phone technology.
 5. Tell them they're won trip to Super Bowl; when they show up to
    claim ticke ts -- nab 'em.
 4. Make up knock-knock jokes using the name "Gennady."
 3. Tell them you've got Van Damme.
 2. Threaten to tell their folks.
 1. Introduce one of the coup leaders to Yoko Ono.



August 22, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Spa


10. Name of spa includes words "Speedway" or "Route 1."
 9. Shower sandals are just empty Kleenex boxes.
 8. Hot springs connected to drain from nearby carwash.
 7. Spa owner has personalized license plate "FRAUD."
 6. You're pulled out of bed at 5 a.m. and sent to sell flowers at the
    airport .
 5. Manager claims heating oil smell in your room is a form of
    "aromatherapy."

 4. Mickey Rourke won't leave the whirlpool.
 3. A guy expresses interest in buying one of your kidneys.
 2. You find out that's not mud in the mud baths.
 1. Everywhere you turn -- Willard.



August 23, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Biker Tattoos


10. "Bad to the Bone Due to a Calcium Deficiency"
 9. "Bingo Nut"
 8. "I Support Public Transportation"
 7. "Thank You for Not Smoking"
 6. "Follow Me to the Potpourri Barn"
 5. Tattooed autograph of golf legend Al Geiberger
 4. "I Know I'm Going to Heaven Because I've Spent My Time in Hell;
    Merrill-Ly nch Trainee Program 1986"
 3. "Ask Me About Mary Kaye Cosmetics"
 2. "Have You Hugged Your Pomeranian Today?"
 1. "Guns 'n' Roses 'n' Bran Muffins"



September 3, 1991

Top 10 Things We'll Miss about Communism


10. The cute way they'd say, "We will bury you."
 9. Fifteen-year wait for automobile allowed ample time to get suction
    cup Gar field windshield toy.
 8. No more "NATO Sucks" bumper stickers.
 7. Dick Clark's Rockin' May Day Live from Red Square.
 6. Those marvelous stuffed mushrooms at Politburo parties.
 5. Laughable manufacturing techniques meant there was always someone
    whose ap pliances were worse than GE's.
 4. Hardliners on a cold night.
 3. Extra money from selling U.S. military blueprints to Kremlin (Paul
    Shaffer
 only).
 2. "Communist Day" at Shea Stadium.
 1. The thrill of making love in a bugged hotel room.



September 4, 1991

Top 10 Other Ways Cheerleader Mom Helped Her Daughter


10. Hired sniper to eliminate competition in church picnic sack race.
 9. Orchestrated coup attempt on Gorbachev because daughter though his
    forehea d stain was "gross."
 8. Got Gambino crime family to turn over card table at rival bake
    sale.
 7. Arranged for Michelle Pfeiffer to play daughter in TV movie. about
    trial.
 6. For daughter's third birthday party, let her stab clown.
 5. Started rift between MacNeil and Lehrer, hoping one of them would
    step down.
 4. Kept murdering K-Mart cashiers until daughter's name reached top
    of waitin g list.
 3. Beat the crap out of drivers ed teacher.
 2. Offered Satan her eternal soul so that Shanna's eyeliner would
    never smear .
 1. Served tainted chili to glee club.



September 5, 1991

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes


10. Help me find my car keys and we can drive out of here.
 9. How do you think I rang the doorbell?
 8. The light lunch was my idea.
 7. Too bad Mother wasn't here.  We could have saved the horse and
    wagon.
 6. The one in front is sick and the other one's pushing him to the
    hospital.
 5. While you were upstairs talking, we were down here enjoying hot
    buttered c orn.
 4. We can save the lady, but I'm afraid it's too late for the rabbi.
 3. Read the card!  Read the card!
 2. And the dog says, "I've never had five dollars before!"
 1. Move over honey -- I have to gargle.



September 6, 1991

Top 10 Questions Asked of Gorbachev and Yeltsin


10. "Are you kids dating?"
 9. "Which of you guys is the really messy one and which is the really
    neat on e?"
 8. "Is it true about Raisa and Geraldo?"
 7. "Can we have Lenin's body for our Lions Club charity auction?"
 6. "I said, 'When with the translator arrive?'"
 5. "Would you ever consider calling yourselves Harley Davidson and
    the Marlbo ro Man?"
 4. "Who the hell is Myrtle Young?"
 3. "Either of you interested in being the Democratic candidate in
    '92?"
 2. "Play 'Freebird'!"
 1. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"



September 10, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad College


10. On university seal, word "college" is spelled with a K.
 9. Many alumni still living out behind the stadium.
 8. Your English professor looks a lot like your history professor
    minus the f ake nose and glasses.
 7. School colors are dark brown and slightly darker brown.
 6. Instructors ask that you place finished exam papers into their
    pants pocke t.
 5. When you mention your college, people in town say, "Oh yeah.  The
    old kenn el."
 4. Coach of your basketball team is Jerry Tarkanian.
 3. School song is "Freebird."
 2. Asked about accreditation the Dean of Admissions replies, "I got
    your accr editation right here!"
 1. Valedictorian is a counting pony.



September 11, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Hors d'Oeuvres


10. Bacon-wrapped gravel
 9. Hot 'n' spicy nickels
 8. Lint on a Ritz
 7. Ben Gay balls
 6. Super-crunchie cocoons
 5. Hudson River sushi
 4. Rice Krispie squares that have been in Don Zimmer's locker
 3. Devilled aphid mini-pizzas
 2. That's Not Caviar
 1. Vienna Snausages



September 12, 1991

Top 10 Cuban Tourist Slogans


10. You'll come for the shortages... You'll stay for the rationing!
 9. If we had electricity, we'd leave a light on for you.
 8. Food, folks, and fun -- minus the food and fun.
 7. Baseball diphtheria -- catch it!
 6. Guaranteed: no Cheerleader Mom!
 5. We think we saw a can of walnuts in the basement of the airport.
 4. Ever see a real live marielito knife fight?
 3. First 50 tourists dressed like Castro get in free!
 2. Those are missile silos and we are glad to see you.
 1. It sucks -- but please come anyway.



Septe mber 13, 1991

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Miss America Pageant


10. Trading sex for food at an Atlantic City Wendy's.
 9. Trying to enter the contest by claiming to be "Miss West
    Carolina."
 8. Showing your new boyfriend Mike Tyson around the dressing room.
 7. Sassing Regis.
 6. Heavy petting with a union stagehand.
 5. Wearing a sash that says, "Screw You."
 4. Affidavit proving you are the former Mr. Ed Daniels.
 3. Taking a leak on the beach.
 2. Being seen in a bar talking with Cheerleader Mom.
 1. Corking your swimsuit.



September 24, 1991

Top 10 Reasons for th Trump-Maples Break Up


10. Couldn't agree on who was more shallow.
 9. Banks forced him to sell Marla as part of debt restructuring.
 8. Shy, reclusive Trump feared marrying an ex-model might attract
    attention.
 7. Caught him stealing tips off other tables at restaurants.
 6. In moment of passion, Marla called Trump, "M eal Ticket."
 5. Philosophical differences about Dead Sea Scrolls.
 4. Marla's complete inability to remove ground-in dirt.
 3. He found out she was lying when she said her father invented maple
    syrup.
 2. Audience didn't vote for a second date.
 1. The stupid potion he gave her wore off.



September 25, 1991

Top 10 Surprises in the Dead Sea Scrolls


10. The secret recipe for Mrs. Field's cookies.
 9. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a muffler.
 8. It turns out Billy Joel did start the fire.
 7. Frequent use of the word "gnarly."
 6. In the marginal decoration, you can find Waldo.
 5. Book of Revelations originally ended with a high-speed car chase.
 4. Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a lot of
    trouble.
 3. Specifically states Marla gets to keep the engagement ring.
 2. St. Joseph was really ticklish.
 1. Loads of money-saving coupons!



September 26, 1991

Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much Television


10. You know the astrological signs of the three guys on Monday Night
    Football .
 9. Your kids are named Doogie, Oprah, and Geraldo.
 8. You write angry letters to CNN asking why they cancelled that cool
    Desert Storm show.
 7. You keep pressing the mute button, but your dog's still barking.
 6. You rented a tux to watch the "Cheers" anniversary show.
 5. You miss every question on the SAT's except the one about
    Matlock's pants.

 4. Every time a talking car goes by, you're positive it's "Knight
    Rider."
 3. Nothing on God's green Earth pleases you more than the jovial
    exchanges be tween Regis and Kathie Lee.
 2. Whenever there's a problem, you wonder, "What would Goober do?"
 1. You've seen Vanna wear the same thing twice.



September 27, 1991

Top 10 Features of Biosphere II


10. A Gap.
 9. All-you-can-eat food pellet Tuesdays.
 8. A surprising number of handguns.
 7. Fluffy the bio-poodle.
 6. Boxes and boxes of biodegradable condoms.
 5. Eight barbers -- no waiting!
 4. A really big Garfield suction cup doll.
 3. More special effects, more steamy love scenes, and more high-speed
    car cha ses than in Biosphere I.
 2. Overpowering smell of Windex.
 1. The Clapper.



October 1, 1991

Top 10 Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World


10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
 9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
 8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
 7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of
    Walt Disn ey.
 6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on '92
    ticket.
 5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
 4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go
    3 days w ithout taking a leak.
 3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
 2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
 1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.



October 2, 1991

Top 10 Recent Revelations About the CIA


10. Engineered coup that toppled Richard Dawson from "Family Feud."
 9. Unsuccessfully tried to persuade Yakov Smirnoff to defect back.
 8. Replaced coffee ordinarily served with Folgers crystals.
 7. So-called "truth serum" nothing but Karo syrup and food coloring.
 6. Chief hitman -- Bruce Hornsby
 5. Determined early in 1989 that Gorbachev was working for the
    Soviets.
 4. Their code name for Joe DiMaggio: Mr. Coffee.
 3. Agents routinely strip-search themselves.
 2. The whole thing is run by Robert Goulet.
 1. You don't have to be crazy to work there but it helps.



October 3, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Restaurant


10. After presenting food, waiter says, "Good luck."
 9. The ASPCA has the kitchen staked out.
 8. Guy stops by table to ask if you want your fork spit-shined.
 7. You suddenly realize it's the water that's amber-colored, not the
    glass.
 6. Free range chickens wander around men's room.
 5. You ask for a napkin and the waiter says, "Oh, who's Mister
    Fancy?"
 4. One of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
 3. The only thing French about the chef is the way he's kissing your
    wife.
 2. When you wake up, your date is gone.
 1. They consider Saltines a pasta.



October 4, 1991

Top 10 Reason s This Liz Taylor Marriage Is Going to Last


10. She's used up all her practice marriages.
 9. Huge success rate of weddings hosted by chimp-owning recluses.
 8. It's perfect -- he's in construction and she's been rebuilt a
    couple of ti mes.
 7. Nostradamus predicted the eighth marriage would last.
 6. Larry: beer-drinking fat guy.  Liz: beer-drinking fat guy.
 5. Have promised to stay together and raise Michael Jackson.
 4. Richard Burton's pathological jealously less of a problem now that
    he's de ad.
 3. She's no longer using Bobby Knight as marriage counselor.
 2. Larry's pregnant.
 1. She's married everybody else.



October 8, 1991

Top 10 Least Popular Craftsman Tools


10. Three-speed Q-tip
 9. Exploding nails
 8. Lee Press-On Rivets
 7. Toupee clamp
 6. One-rung ladder
 5. Groin puller
 4. Uncontrollable chainsaw
 3. Birth control nail apron
 2. Imaginary hammer
 1. Gas-powered Clapper



October 9, 1991

Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Pick-Up Lines


10. "How about a little affirmative action?"
 9. "This robe is big enough for the two of us."
 8. "The other judges don't understand me."
 7. "Wanna meet Wapner?"
 6. "How about a peek at exhibits A and B?"
 5. "It is my opinion, based on existing statutes and established
    precedents, that you could be a model."
 4. "Weren't you at the Guns n' Roses party in L.A.?"
 3. "You've got beautiful eyes, Senator Cranston."
 2. "That's not a gavel."
 1. "I find you guilty -- to being a fabulous babe!"



October 10, 1991

Top 10 LensCrafters Excuses for not Having Your Glasses Done in About an Hour


10. We use the word "about" to mean "give or take a day."
 9. Got wrapped up in back room making sock puppets with glasses on
    them.
 8. Without your glasses on, you probably misread your watch.
 7. Technicians sexually harassed all afternoon by Clarence Thomas.
 6. Manager chugged a quart of saline solution; passed out in the
    nosepad clos et.
 5. I never wanted to be a LensCrafter.  I really want to be a singer!
 4. I supposed you also believe Keebler cookies are made by elves who
    live in a tree.
 3. Mr. LensCrafter don't like questions.
 2. We meant an hour on Neptune.
 1. What's it to you, four-eyes?



October 1 1, 1991

Top 10 Surprises in the Barbara Walters Interview with the Quayles


10. Overeager Dan started crying as interview began.
 9. After every good answer, Barbara gave each of them a little snack.
 8. Dan likes to sit in a trash bag and play Biosphere II.
 7. Embarrassing way they made out during whole show.
 6. He repeatedly asked the video technicians, "You guys making a
    movie?"
 5. The audience didn't vote for a second date.
 4. You'd think they would've stopped when Dan got the hiccups.
 3. He was once pinched in the ass by Clarence Thomas.
 2. His shock at learning all those Dan Quayle jokes are about him.
 1. The way Dan kept referring to Walters as "Oprah".



October 15, 1991

Top 10 Signs You've Bought a Bad Car


10. As you drive it off the lot, you see all the salesmen wildly
    high-fiving e ach other.
 9. It fails the emissions test even when its not running.
 8. Don't have enough power to get over speed bumps.
 7. Owner's manual includes several prayers.
 6. You leave it parked for an hour on the West Side Highway and
    nobody takes it.
 5. Digital display indicates number of people now laughing at you.
 4. So-called "decorative floor mats" just flattened Cap'n Crunch
    boxes.
 3. Blinking light on dashboard reads, "Get out of car now!"
 2. Headlights controlled by The Clapper.
 1. Car phone has direct line to AAA.



October 16, 1991

Top 10 Duties of the New Guy on the Supreme Court


10. Polish coins the other justices flip when making a decision.
 9. Summarize "L.A. Law" at Friday morning meeting.
 8. Act as lookout when they go to egg Wapner's house.
 7. Distribute profits from Supreme Court Action Figures.
 6. Quietly endure coarse sexual comments from his superior, Sandra
    Day O'Conn or.
 5. For first week, has to wear boxer shorts on outside of robe.
 4. Drive the truck under the Supreme Court Rose Bowl float.
 3. Feed the Supreme Cat.
 2. Do the Vice-Presi dent's civics homework.
 1. Return the keg and pay the hookers.



October 17, 1991

Top 10 Slogans for G.E. Coffeemakers


10. We cut out the safety testing -- and passed the savings on to you!
 9. Makes enough to serve 12 firemen.
 8. Billy Joel didn't start the fire -- we did!
 7. Finally -- an affordable suicide machine!
 6. Gee, your burning hair smells terrific!
 5. It's like Joe DiMaggio smoking in bed.
 4. As seen in "Backdraft."
 3. We make nuclear reactors too!
 2. Fire, folks, and fun.
 1. Coffee so good, it'll burn your house down!



October 18, 1991

Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Favorite Movie Rentals


10. "Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch"
 9. "Orgy in the Court"
 8. "Wetness for the Prosecution"
 7. "Legal Spreadeagles"
 6. "Twelve Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader"
 5. "The 69th Amendment"
 4. "L.A. Raw"
 3. "Red Hot Stuff Conservatives Are Supposed To Be Against"
 2. "Dances Without Briefs"
 1. "Jacoby Does Meyers"

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