January 5, 1993
10. Shouldn't have skipped breakfast - it's the most important meal of the day! 9. Started giving 109% instead of 110%. 8. Even though fans loved it, shouldn't have replaced Warren Moon with folk singer Suzanne Vega. 7. Busy making mental tally of football players with girls names: Fran Tarkenton... Rosey Grier.... 6. YOU try tackling those guys - some of them are huge! 5. Bills quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other. 4. Wanted to honor another Houstonian who let a big lead in the polls slip away. 3. "I'm telling you - maybe YOU didn't see Dobermans on the field, but there WERE Dobermans on the field!" 2. Preoccupied about getting home in time to see all the Amy Fisher movies. 1. Didn't want to go to Disney World.
10. Rising tide of complaints that the Clapper is too complicated. 9. More people saying, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of your coat." 8. When asked to name the current president, most say, "Eddie?" 7. 82% of Americans get their news from a pet. 6. Sales of "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts surpassed by sales of "I Am Stupid" T-sh irts. 5. Leading cause of death: forgetting to let go of bowling balls. 4. Frightened crowds always running out of movie theaters screaming, "Giants! Giants!" 3. 1993 S.A.T. consists of one question: "Hey good lookin' - whatcha got cookin '?" 2. Upsurge in the number of babies named "Critter." 1. Three Amy Fisher movies.
10. Airline wasn't running "Kids Fly Free" promotion. 9. That Macaulay Culkin kid was left home alone and he's a millionaire. 8. OK everybody, meet Winnie, the invisible babysitter! Say hi, Winnie! Go ah ead! Winnie?! Winnie?! 7. Unspoken assumption that they'd be taking a later flight. 6. Had to stay behind to fire Ditka. 5. Kids love to be alone at Christmas. 4. Just for the sake of argument, suppose the kids were hats. Now, there's nothing wrong with leaving a couple hats at home, is there? 3. We haven't had a vacation without the kids since September. 2. Babysitter Amy Fisher didn't show up. 1. Hey, we came back , didn't we?
10. He's driving a Mr. Softie truck. 9. Nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim Jims. 8. Can't fit you in back of his car because of all the chickens. 7. Rather than "Protect and Serve," his motto is "Lift and Separate." 6. He keeps calling you "Mommy." 5. You're blinded by the glare of his silver cape. 4. Instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band. 3. He jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head, and says, "Drive me to Cincinnati." 2. Every other word out of his mouth is "Martians." 1. Hates doughnuts.
10. Bring Fred Astaire back to life to dance at the inaugural. 9. Seven-, eight-, nine-, and eleven-dollar bills. 8. Get an albino on the Supreme Court. 7. Keep "Knots Landing" on the air. 6. Somehow keep Roger from embarrassing himself and the nation. 5. Gain no more than 10 lbs. a year. 4. Bomb Sweden until they're cross-eyed. 3. Get hair dyed for Joey Buttafuoco role in upcoming Amy Fisher movie. 2. Federal law giving every male American an equal shot at Gennifer Flowers. 1. Make Al Gore exciting. Top 10 Problems that Doomed the Around-the-World Balloon Flight - January 13, 1 993 10. Right before lift-off, fat guy from "Cheers" sneaked on. 9. First mate wouldn't quit with the "Up, Up and Away in Our Beautiful Balloon. " 8. Nobody could drive a stick. 7. Navigator insisted on bringing along his collection of good luck anvils. 6. Balloon built by G.E. 5. Those morons at Jiffy Lube. 4. Shouldn't have agreed to deliver huge overflowing box of hat pins. 3. Collided with DHL truck. 2. Wasted all the helium doing Sally Struthers imitations. 1. Someone had their try table down.
10. Heads - CBS; tails - CBS. 9. It just makes sense, since I'm already commuting with Andy Rooney. 8. At last minute, CBS kicked in a new set of Michelins. 7. I've stolen as many G.E. bulbs as I can fit in my garage. 6. In order to grow as an artist, I feel it's important to do the same crap ove r at CBS. 5. Tired of being sexually harassed by Bryant. 4. Can't convince them to do another TripleCast. 3. Finally realized not only are they never going to make me anchorman, but thi s technically isn't even a news show. 2. CBS had the best Amy Fisher movie. 1. They insist I wear pants.
10. Good chance to catch breath before starting your lawn care job. 9. Can grow back the 'fro. 8. "Lame duck president" big improvement over just "lame president." 7. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner: spotted owls. 6. Shows don't have to be very good until we get to CBS.* 5. Run up huge 900-number bill, let Hillbilly Boy worry about it. 4. Hardly any press coverage when you throw up in a world leader's lap. 3. Don't have to suck up to Larry King anymore. 2. Get in a few Quayle jokes of your own. 1. Goodbye cabinet meetings, hello Halcion. * Good thing about being a lame duck talk-show host.
10. Over-inflating the thighs on the Clinton float. 9. Asking band to play "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song. 8. Forgetting to ask Clinton if he'd like fries with that. 7. Introducing yourself to the Secret Service as "Billy the Robot from Space." 6. Running into people's shins with your go-cart (Dan Quayle only). 5. Yelling "One more time!" after Fleetwood Mac finishes "Don't Stop Thinking A bout Tomorrow." 4. Trying to impress Chelsea by telling her you wrote, directed, and starred in "Annie Hall." 3. Even the slightest mention of the word "Dukakis." 2. During Gore's speech sarcastically shouting "Calm down, you madman!" 1. Asking Roger to sing.
10. Find out just what the hell this "Bosnia" is. 9. Call up chicks who wouldn't date him in high school and ask what their husba nds do for a living. 8. Send in change of address card to "Hillbilly President" magazine. 7. Buy that Saddam a burrito because a man enjoying a burrito is a threat to no one. 6. Sharpen a load of pencils. 5. Anything to distract him from thinking about what Michael Jackson looked lik e close up. 4. Flip Newt Gingrich "the national bird." 3. Assure a teary-eyed Dan Quayle that he'll look after squirrel family living in attic. 2. Figure out jogging route that goes past McDonalds AND Dunkin' Donuts. 1. Start making pathetic excuses.
10. It's just not normal to keep eating so much taffy. 9. Won't go anywhere without his goalie mask and Bat Cape. 8. Let's put it this way: if he were a Corleone, he'd be Fredo. 7. When Bill was looking for a poet for the inauguration, Roger asked, "How abo ut the Dice-Man?" 6. Way he keeps asking Tipper: "Yeah, but are you MARRIED married?" 5. In made-for-TV movie about Clinton family, he's being played by Gary Busey. 4. Somehow broke into the mint, got his face put on the dime. 3. Spends late nights tap dancing with Bonnie Franklin. 2. Refers to Dan Quayle as "Professor." 1. Already applied for presidential pardon.
10. Israelis and Arabs agree - he's fat. 9. Two words: Zoe Baird. 8. French President Mitterand refers to him as "Le Bonehead." 7. His Mom keeps asking him why he can't be more like his brother Roger. 6. No longer a cinch to nail Barbra Streisand. 5. Japanese leader threw up in HIS lap. 4. Earlier today, Lesley Stahl gave him the finger. 3. Dukakis won't return his calls. 2. When he has to go out in public, Secret Service says, "You're on your own, P edro." 1. Has to pump his own gas.
10. No talking during "Hee Haw." 9. Championship sports teams invited to White House must bring cheerleaders. 8. Barbra Streisand may take nuclear secrets home overnight, but they must be r eturned in the morning. 7. President must wash hands before returning to work. 6. You must be this tall to ride Gennifer Flowers. 5. When the President's brother Roger is singing, staffers must murmur, "Man! That cat is laying down a groove!" 4. At state dinners Ted Kennedy has two-drink limit. 3. Everyone must agree with President when he says, "South Dakoty is north of N orth Dakoty, ain't it?" 2. If the Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin'. 1. Do not feed the President.
10. Not enough hours in the day to rinse, lather, and repeat. 9. When you applied for McDonalds job, hair-net company bought you a Ferrari. 8. Every time you get out of the shower, your wife says, "Hey, great! A gorill a-gram!" 7. Getting caught in the rain means you stink like a labrador. 6. You keep a Weed Whacker in the medicine cabinet. 5. Your name is Ed Asner. 4. As girlfriend runs fingers over your hairy chest, a pair of pliers turns up. 3. "Take off your coat and stay a while. No, seriously, take off your coat - y ou'll be more comfortable. Please - would you take off your coat?" 2. "Hard Copy" wants to shoot some blurry footage of you nude for their Bigfoot story. 1. Cause of death: mange.
10. Fly stand-by. 9. Streamline paperwork - make everyone in army use name "Ed Johnson." 8. Earl Scheib will camouflage anything for $9 9.9 9. 7. From now on, helmets only for guys with really, really sensitive heads. 6. Put off buying a wrench or two. 5. Delete "free fudgsicles" clause from Schwarzkopf's pension. 4. Screw periscopes - they can just stick their heads out of the top and look a round. 3. Replace six-week basic training with screening of Rambo I, II, and III. 2. Pry toilet out of an old Winnebago, stencil words "space toilet" on side. Se ll it to NASA. 1. Two words: street clothes.
10. Al Gore is on the front page of the New York Times. 9. Most of the news is follow-up stuff on the big Hindenberg crash. 8. Regular obituaries replaced by "Best Obituaries of 1993". 7. You tell the head editor you're going to grab some lunch and he starts screa ming, "Stop the presses!" 6. New York Post makes up a story about you moving to L.A. 5. Big headline: "People Sure Do Like Pie!" 4. "See page eight for more news about Joe Piscopo." 3. Exclusive interview with guy who thinks he may have seen Amy Fisher drive by his house one time a few years ago. 2. List of winning lottery numbers followed by list of losing lottery numbers. 1. Mondalemania!
10. At 1941 inauguration of F.D.R. he showed up wearing the same dress as Elean or. 9. Demanded that each FBI operation be named for a Broadway show. 8. Let's just say he "left a lot of fingerprints" if you know what I mean. 7. Lived by motto: "When in doubt, strip search." 6. Three words: Special Agent Liberace. 5. Whenever he went under cover he went as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz." 4. Top advisors: cowboy, construction worker, and Indian chief. 3. Wore button that said, "I like Ike. I mean I REALLY like Ike." 2. Usually opened staff meeting with his version of "Mandy." 1. The J. stood for Jenny.
10. Leaving the seat up now a federal offense. 9. She threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister's lap. 8. Bill wouldn't have gotten that "Jackie Thomas Show" without her. 7. Secret Service code name for President Clinton: "Mr. Mom." 6. New law prohibiting spelling Gennifer witha "G." 5. Every time she moves her hand, Bill flinches like a frightened collie. 4. She's commander-in-chief of the remote control. 3. Whenever Clintons appear together, Marine band plays "I Am Woman Hear Me Roa r." 2. Latest choice for Attorney General: Michael Bolton. 1. Bill now calling her "Mommy."
10. Two words: beer gut. 9. Announcement that he has agreed to fight Riddick Bowe. 8. When he lights up one of his big cigars you'd swear you're looking at Grouch o. 7. Favorite pastime: getting drunk and shooting at cars on the interstate. 6. Burned during filming of Pepsi commercial by NBC News incendiary device. 5. Oprah meant it when she said, "The first thing I want to do when this is ove r is hijack a German airplane." 4. Picked up a lot of his wardrobe at a J. Edgar Hoover estate sale. 3. Recently had transplant surgery using Bubbles' liver. 2. His waist is the same size as Oprah's forearm. 1. He never touched himself.
10. Keeps telling pilot to hurry because he has to hijack a connecting flight. 9. One of his demands: a police escort when you land. 8. He fell for bit about Michael Jackson dating Brooke Shields. 7. Asks pilot to hold his gun for a while so he can get some shut-eye. 6. Keeps asking himself, "What would Howie Mandel do in this situation?" 5. Asks male flight attendant, "So, do you have a lot of girlfriends?" 4. Two words: return ticket. 3. First item on his list of demands: plastic pilot's wings. 2. Makes note to order motivational cassettes advertised in inflight magazine. 1. His only demand: gum.
10. First line: "I am your king, bring me your gold!" 9. The way the President's brother Roger kept sneaking up and waving to the cam era. 8. That a slide whistle can be so effective when driving home a hard economic p oint. 7. His mid-speech taco break. 6. Hillary let him use the Oval Office. 5. Pay your taxes on time, get a nice fresh grape. 4. His closing: "And now a word from Budweiser, the King of Beers. Nothing beat s a Bud." 3. The extended metaphor of the American economy as an enormous burrito. 2. 70% of new taxes will be aimed at Oprah. 1. He's dating Brooke Shields.
10. No one's seen it but you and your Mom. 9. Due to typo you paid top dollar to get Jack Nicklaus. 8. During filming you forgot to take lens cap off, released it anyway. 7. You're making a sequel to "Gorillas in the Mist" but halfway through you los e your permit for the gorillas and have to finish using big St. Bernards. 6. Clarence Thomas bought the video. 5. Every time your movie is shown audience screams, "Focus!" 4. Full page ads begin, "If you loved 'Encino Man'...." 3. Entire movie filmed through a peephole at a Holiday Inn. 2. The title includes any combination of the following words: "stop", "Mom", or "shoot". 1. Two words: starring Madonna.
10. "What's gotten into Matlock?" 9. "Wait till the guys at work hear I stayed awake thro-zzzzzzzz." 8. "Enough with the fancy talk, Gallagher, start bustin' them melons!" 7. "I liked it better when Dana Carvey was president." 6. "I can't believe he's blaming me and George!" 5. "Why's everybody clappin' so much? Must be because the President's so handso me. Way to be handsome, Mr. President!" 4. "Think I'll go for a spin in my '86 GM pickup." 3. "Why don't he wave back?" 2. "Should I stay in New York or move the show to L.A.?" 1. "Please don't tax Cheetos."
10. Walls of Oval Office wouldn't be cluttered with various diplomas. 9. Garth Brooks - Secretary of Hats. 8. Long, complicated State of the Union addresses replaced by 5-minute prime-ti me reminders to always use ZIP codes. 7. New cabinet position: Minister of Barbecue. 6. Hillary wouldn't be running the country anymore. 5. Every Saturday, nation would gather around their TV's to watch president com pete on "American Gladiators." 4. "Hail to the Chief" replaced with theme from "Wayne's World." 3. Chief Justice Wapner. 2. A lot of speeches would begin, "Dan Quayle had a good idea the other day." 1. One word: hootercade.
10. Didn't want to give up my table at Blimpies. 9. I'd miss driving through Lincoln Tunnel with my eyes closed. 8. After 11 years away from L.A. I finally manage to lose my Chicano accent. 7. Would rather be shot at on subways than freeways. 6. Couldn't get cheap applause by saying New York audiences are best looking in all of TV. 5. I have a biological need to stay close to Tom Brokaw. 4. East Coast girls are hip. We really dig those styles they wear. 3. L.A. phone book doesn't contain one Buttafuoco. 2. Woman who keeps breaking into my house didn't feel like moving to L.A. 1. Three words: Times Square sushi.
10. "Who the hell let Yoko in?" 9. "Sure I remember you from the Bangles - I'll have a rum and coke please." 8. "Wow! Johnny Winter beats Edgar Winter in best albino blues guitarist categ ory again!" 7. "When's that geezer gonna come out and do them lame one-arm push-ups?" 6. "Yeah right, he's dating Brooke Shields." 5. "My brother's the President, and if you don't let me sing, I'll have him do somethin' nucular to ya'!" 4. "Call security - Oprah's moonwalking!" 3. "Reba, Latifah. Latifah, Reba. Latifah and Reba, Bono." 2. "Run for your lives - Harry Connick Jr.'s got a gun!" 1. "He's the guy touching himself."
10. Prove you've suffered a massive heart attack, get a free Big Mac. 9. Condiments now include Stridex pads. 8. Carjacking only in designated drive-thru lanes. 7. If a customer requests detailed nutritional information, you don't speak Eng lish, got it? 6. No more freebies for Ronald McDonald's lover, Gary. 5. Employees must at least think about washing hands before returning to work. 4. McDLTs come with McCPR. 3. When somebody orders a salad, no longer allowed to say, "Hey, we got ourselv es a sissy here." 2. One Buttafuoco collector cup per visit. 1. You MUST have fries with that.
10. He loads up I.V. bag with Diet Slice. 9. Before attaching EKG electrodes, asks you to stand in a pail of water. 8. Keeps wanting to test your reflexes with a rusty bear trap. 7. Has other patients mounted on the wall. 6. Just as you're going under you hear him say, "Say hi to Lyndon Johnson for m e." 5. Examining table has a chalk body outline drawn on it. 4. He has a G.E. coffee maker in the waiting room. 3. You stop by for a flu shot and go home with a baboon liver. 2. You come out of the anesthesia in the fast lane of a busy highway. 1. He's kind of creepy
10. Instead of makeup, she opts for magic marker moustache and sideburns. 9. Upon seeing typewriter, screams, "Ahhh! Iron pencil!" 8. Several times a week firefighters have to free her from the candy machine. 7. People from Guinness book always showing up to measure his fingernails. 6. Keeps asking you to repeat the word "Dictaphone." 5. While taking notes at a board meeting, she suddenly says, "I missed what fat so just said." 4. Claims he was once Vice President, but he can't even spell. 3. You can't remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call. 2. Since she's been there, you go through $10,000 a week in petty cash. 1. Can't get the hang of Post-Its.
10. He's prettier. 9. Michael always carting around Elephant Man. Brooke always carting around mo ther. 8. She keeps leaving the lid up on the hyperbaric chamber. 7. Instead of taking her out to dinner, has his zookeeper toss her live cricket s. 6. Can't seem to get the old Ferris wheel going (if you know what I mean). 5. They're at the mall. They're having a nice, normal time. Then suddenly it' s: "Hey everybody look at me! I'm moonwalking! Oooh, I'm the coolest guy at t he mall!" 4. The Tito factor. 3. Always arguing over who left the cap off the lipstick. 2. Brooke smokes in bed; Michael highly flammable. 1. He touches himself more than her.
10. Kept saying, "I've answered another question. Give me a diamond." 9. She hasn't quite got the hang of that bald spot spray paint. 8. For some reason she refused to discuss her NFL career. 7. She insisted on holding up her husband's new perfume "Suddenly Fortensky." 6. Her non-stop boasting about all the Domino's pizza guys she's nailed. 5. All that money and she's always wearing the same sweatsuit. 4. She's not the same girl she was 73 years ago. 3. Kept saying, "Ain't it the truth, Oprah!" 2. Spits big chunks of lamb when she talks. 1. She wouldn't marry him.
10. A 50-foot Roger. 9. He dreams he's eating a giant marshmallow and when he wakes up, Ted Kennedy is gone. 8. Al Gore actually comes to life. 7. Bob's Big and Tall - out of business! Mr. Stocky's - out of business! Tubb y's House of Pants - out of business! 6. Hillary doesn't let him attend cabinet meetings anymore. 5. He's in the lead going into Final Jeopardy and the category is "Personal Arm y Experiences." 4. Secret Service Agent Richard Simmons. 3. A giant Socks-the-cat approaches him with a scalpel and says, "It's time for your neutering." 2. Erotic dream about J. Edgar Hoover. 1. Two words: Chelsea Buttafuoco.
10. Ride around baggage carousel asking people, "Are you sure I'm not your suit case?" 9. Organize a posse. Look for Swedes. 8. Page "passenger John Goodman" and watch all the fat guys in the airport get stared at. 7. Drink yourself into a duty-free coma. 6. Scream, "Duck! It's Harry Connick Jr.!" 5. Make annoying siren noise and carry old people to their gates. 4. Have a few jumbo sodas; go out and "de-ice" a 74 7. 3. Help out customs officials by sniffing people's luggage. 2. Think up dirty jokes with "Aer Lingus" in the punch line. 1. Play goose-the-skycap.
10. Peeling the potato 9. Mowing the clover 8. Watching the soda bread rise 7. Getting shille-laid 6. Cleaning the bagpipes 5. Tenderizing the corned beef 4. Oh Danny boy - oh boy - oh boy! 3. Flying Aer Lingus 2. Kissing a Kennedy 1. O'Humping
10. Entire religion based on something founder overheard on a bus. 9. Cult leader just keeps asking, "So, uh, what do you guys want to do now?" 8. At the annual convention your cult gets the booth all the way in the back. 7. Their description of heaven sounds suspiciously like Sea World. 6. The Kool-Aid tastes funny. 5. It's called "The Danson family" and you get together every Thursday to watch "Cheers." 4. You're named cult leader because you're the only one with a car. 3. You recognize many of your fellow members from the World Wrestling Federatio n. 2. Their TV spokesman is Joe Piscopo. 1. It's just a bunch of nude fat guys.
10. His turban is clean and bright. 9. He says, "Uh oh, easy does it! Pothole coming up!" 8. You take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye. 7. When you get in the cab and say, "World Trade Center," he starts screaming, "I didn't do it!" 6. You recognize him as former head of NBC News Michael Gartner. 5. Drives cab in area marked "street." 4. He turns meter off and says, "How can I care about money when I'm drivin' a big yellow car?! Whoopee!" 3. "South Bronx? 2 a.m.? Sure, hop in." 2. When stuck in traffic, he explains, "I would use the horn but it is only for emergencies." 1. He stops at red lights.
10. Instead of the Kremlin, has started hanging around Kreskin's house. 9. One day, pants but no hat. Next day, hat but no pants. 8. Keeps pounding desk with fists and screaming, "Kill Moose and Squirrel." 7. While addressing Parliament, can't stop blurting out secret to "The Crying G ame." 6. Applied for job as new president of NBC. 5. Asked Admiral Stockdale to be his running mate. 4. Wastes hours playing "Let's Look for Swedes." 3. Has taken to calling himself the "Stolichnaya Messiah." 2. Let his goofy brother Roger Yeltsin sing on MTV. 1. Claims he invented Russian dressing.
10. Early "Nightline" trading cards now worth over $500. 9. Koppel demanded ABC give his wife a show right after "Nightline." 8. Due to Ted's lack of self control, bacon has been banned from the set. 7. Their Top 10 lists are funnier than ours. 6. It's taped with an X-400, reflex lens camera using a cathode-ray tube. 5. Just like in "The Crying Game," Ted Koppel is a guy! 4. Features exclusive interviews with presidents, not their brothers. 3. During commercial breaks, Koppel uses the big satellite video screen to talk to his cat. 2. New format debuting this summer: Ted and his guest try to one-up each other with Mama jokes. 1. It ain't a wig.
10. Their beards are on fire. 9. Entire operation comes to a complete halt when someone accidentally stands o n the garden hose. 8. You warn them that your gas tank is liable to blow and they say, "Cool!" 7. They're wearing bowling shoes. 6. You notice them carrying each other up and down ladders. 5. Chief says, "It'll burn itself out in a couple days," asks for a beer, and l eaves. 4. They arrive a couple at a time off the regular city bus. 3. One of them keeps trying to attach the end of a hose to your dog. 2. They keep laughing and shouting, "Nothing beats flame broiling!" 1. No ladders - stilts.
10. Filet o' Leftovers 9. The Depressing Meal 8. One big French fry you carve like a turkey 7. Ray Kroc Bits 6. Chance to punch Ronald McDonald in the stomach as hard as you can 5. The 200-pound hamburger 4. McHookers 3. The Double Buttafuoco with Cheese 2. The Al Pacino Scent o' Woman sandwich 1. The Egg McMahon
10. "Hey Whoopi, those shrimp are for everybody!" 9. "Did you know Bette Davis once bludgeoned a meter man with her statuette?" 8. "The industry's most glamorous night of the year ruined by dozens of vicious wild dogs." 7. "He's in third place with 20 laps to go." (Overheard at a NASCAR race.) 6. "Ahh! The corpse of Bob Hope.... Oh, that IS Bob Hope." 5. "Why is Refrigerator Perry singing the theme from 'Aladdin'?" 4. "Liza Minnelli dance number... making me... dizzy... eyes starting to burn.. .." 3. "I'm so confused. I saw the guy from "The Crying Game" making out with Bea Arthur." 2. "Get off the stage, push-up geezer!" 1. "Quit licking my Oscar."
10. Develop a clear borscht. 9. Stop calling everyone "Homey." 8. Appear in public wearing the big purple Barney-the-Dinosaur costume. 7. New re-election slogan: "A chicken in every time zone." 6. More wet babushka contests. 5. Get Certs people to start using phrase: "Contains a sparkling drop of Yeltsi n." 4. Promise everybody all kinds of stuff he can't possibly deliver - like Clinto n. 3. Pretend he's Ed McMahon, get head slammed in door. 2. Legally change name to Boris Buttafuoco. 1. Claim he's dating Brooke Shields.
10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?" 9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of Kleenex. 8. Only law he knows is that "under-30-minutes-or-the-pizza-is-free" thing. 7. Favorite case: Roe v. Godzilla. 6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood Marshall in his old chair. 5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still legal." 4. Whenever a death sentence is announced, he plays "taps" on his kazoo. 3. Three words: UNLV law school. 2. You overhear him mumbling, "What would Wapner do?" 1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers.
10. You've got combination skin. 9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24). 8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways. 7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and fo ul up his automatic sprinkler system. 6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage. 5. God doesn't have a hair weave. 4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy. 3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested. 2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days. 1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.
10. "Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff." 9. "Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day." 8. "For a strong President, you really have soft skin." 7. "Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours." 6. "What? We have no time outs left?" 5. "Margaret Thatcher? I had her." 4. "Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Ruskky!" 3. "The Red Army has been gay for years and it's a blast." 2. "When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco?" 1. "Last call already?"
10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories. 9. Promise delivery within two days. 8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers. 7. No longer have Moscow-to-Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort Worth. 6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato. 5. Stewardesses with necks. 4. Water down the captain's vodka. 3. Remove Chernobyl-cured ham from inflight menu. 2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages. 1. More aero, less flot.
10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner." 9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You 're going to die up there, fat man!" 8. Can't stop washing his paws. 7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac. 6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone. 5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg." 4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space. 3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas. 2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack. 1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
10. Most common question you ask: "Hey, where's everybody going?" 9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, you simp! " 8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you. 7. Your wildest fantasy: to some day visit Winnipeg. 6. Your bedroom walls are covered with photos of Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bents en. 5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his Game Boy. 4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their wrists with a steak knife. 3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for organ izing laundry. 2. During sex your wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine." 1. You think Al Gore is a maniac.
10. Spent the 70s traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead. 9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days. 8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension. 7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "the luckiest damn space monkey in Hollywood." 6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them. 5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton. 4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer. 3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five. 2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino. 1. Two words: silicone tail.
10. Has started referring to his suspenders as "Felix" and "Oscar." 9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork. 8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word. 7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming, "Go ahead - you're on the air!" 6. Buttafuoco. 5. Won't stop talking about his great new idea: a reverse sandwich with filling on the outside and bread in the middle. 4. Is now demanding guests address him as "Mr. Larry." 3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquettes. 2. Shouts "Bingo!" and awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing bingo. 1. Won't come out of the pup tent.
10. 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves. 9. For teen boys, most frequent fantasy during sex is having a partner. 8. Three guys at MIT have had cyber-sex with a bank machine. 7. Pam no-stick spray no longer just for cooking. 6. Some men have sex as often as twice a week. 5. That Urkel guy's banged half of Hollywood. 4. Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid. 3. 0.00001% of teenage girls have shot their boyfriend's wife. 2. Wilford Brimley frequently has sex in exchange for cookies. 1. Most women ever? The Fonz.
10. Took advantage of something called "the butter fat deduction." 9. Bill's real name? Debbie. 8. Had to report gift hog from cast of "Hee Haw." 7. Chelsea donated $50 to Bush/Quayle '9 2. 6. Claimed McDonald's as a second home. 5. Bill pays Gore $30 a week to be Vice-President. 4. Crossed out the word "dependent," wrote in "critters." 3. Hillary made a million bucks sleeping with Robert Redford. 2. Bill took $4,000 depreciation on Gennifer Flowers. 1. Hillary listed as "head of household."
10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest. 9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper. 8. Kids will look up to you; don't let them think it's "cool" to smoke. 7. Willard's insane. 6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds. 5. G. E. executives are "pinheads"; NBC executives are "boneheads." 4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch. 3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house. 2. When all else fails, just say "Buttafuoco." 1. Two words: laugh track.
10. Lift ban on gays in the Salvation Army. 9. Become the fattest president ever. 8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996 - voila! No more Canada! 7. Every Friday night, host an old horror movie on TV in full wolfman make-up. 6. Bomb Baghdad. 5. Sponsor Pay-per-View event; Attorney General Janet Reno wrestles a bear. 4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume. 3. Be more like Urkel. 2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times. 1. Tank tops.
10. "I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my Doberman." 9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo." 8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe. Now she mu st die!" 7. "Hand Mommy her tassles." 6. "This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi." 5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy." 4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, "Hello, Mr. L etterman." 3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy." 2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress." 1. "Keep away from Senator Packwood."
10. Wore shoes for the first time. 9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something. 8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "Stewie." 7. Was on TV!!! 6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the White House Easter egg hunt. 5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel off!" 4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl... that was awesome! 3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her Epilady. 2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from socks. 1. Higher approval rating than his brother.
10. Everything you tell him ends up in the "Weekly World News." 9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger. 8. At the end of your session, he screams, "Time's up!" and high-fives the rece ptionist. 7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore! 6. Really itchy couch. 5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling, "Yahtzee!" 4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville. 3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, "Come on, that's an old ' Twilight Zone.' " 2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely?" 1. Always sides with Mia.
10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours. 9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to your hamster's cage. 8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert. 7. You and your parents' Social Security checks come on same day of the month. 6. You've convinced yourself that when Dad dies, Mom will marry you. 5. You're 42 and you have a curfew. 4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that Mom has laid ou t your Star Wars pajamas. 3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with Dad over the last bee r. 2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying, "Give these letters to Mommy, you deadbe at." 1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers.
10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity. 9. Picking up Big Mac wrappers off the White House jogging track. 8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver. 7. Secret Service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear piec es. 6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather. 5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling "potato." 4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail. 3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees. 2. Press never mentions the fact that he had an affair with Gennifer Flowers to o. 1. Getting buried alive.
10. He hides your letters around the yard like Easter eggs. 9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers. 8. Wife wears T-shirt saying, "I'm with disgruntled." 7. You find him on the porch reading a Sharper Image catalog to a squirrel. 6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco. 5. Every letter he brings you is from him. 4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L. L. Bean. 3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose. 2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little "presorting." 1. Keeps biting the UPS guy.
10. Stops when he hits somebody. 9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the sticky stuff on the floor. 8. The hospital gown. 7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards. 6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over P.A. 5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box. 4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles. 3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z." 2. Wearing belt buckle that says, "Pull here for emergency stops." 1. He's graffiti free.
10. 26-digit phone numbers. 9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore. 8. Roger Clinton's concert - sold out. 7. In parts of Asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling. 6. There's now a 2-1/2-hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom. 5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all the pushing and shoving! 4. Two Gaps on every block. 3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides. 2. Suddenly there are 10 women breaking into my house. 1. Too many damn "Eds"!
10. "Get out of my way, fatso." 9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's popularity soars. '" 8. "OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking." 7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?" 6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list." 5. "I'm the President damn it! Now give me another spare rib." 4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets." 3. "Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee!" 2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection." 1. "Hey, tax this."
10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape. 9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping - they'd be enjoying an afternoon siesta. 8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing Te Amo cigar. 7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death. 6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police. 5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas. 4. More changes to say, "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" 3. G. E. Executives now called pinata heads. 2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant sign: " Muerde me!" 1. Two words: Senor Buttafuoco.
10. Title changed to "Hangin' with Mr. Rather." 9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of hurricanes. 8. If your TV picture turns blue it means she's pregnant. 7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from "Beauty and the Beast." 6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires. 5. Dan won't be able to stash his Playboys in the news desk anymore. 4. Three words: matching news unitards. 3. Lots of sexual tension - they might be doing it, but no one's really sure. 2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity. 1. Plenty of cursing.
10. There's been talk of actually putting the "Cheers" logo on hats and T-shirt s. 9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer. 8. During show's 10-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts. 7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur. 6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G. E. executives. 5. Show has won four Emmys for "Best Portrayal of a Bar Frequented by a Fat Guy and a Mailman." 4. Ted Danson is 67 years old. 3. Real-life bars that are actually named "Cheers" always suck. 2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the restroom. 1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat.
10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked. 9. Moves his lips when he watches TV. 8. Keeps leaning over to ask question about the "Ernest" movie. 7. Always quoting Urkel. 6. Nobody has called him "Mr. Vice-President" in four months. 5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer. 4. Among tapes in his permanent video library: all the Bud Bowls. 3. Spends hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit; doesn't work for Disney. 2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head. 1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas.
10. Bill Wyman is his father. 9. Probably thinks the song "You're So Vain" is about him. 8. Apparently has gotten lots of satisfaction. 7. Ex-wife Bianca invented that breath spray stuff. 6. Once shared a Jacuzzi with Marge Schott. 5. In a top-secret ceremony in the '60s he married Jim Nabors. 4. He can whistle "Honky Tonk Woman" through his nose. 3. Using fad diets, has gained and lost 15,000 pounds. 2. One of only 10 million people to have seen Madonna naked. 1. Slept with Redford for free.
10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of "Major Dad." 9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY. 8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's Grecian Formula. 7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening the childr en. 6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger. 5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy Carter potential. 4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a sparrow. 3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, "Yes, I would like fries with that." 2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling a sparrow . 1. Those damn running shorts.
10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time. 9. First name: Peabo. 8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're "feeling lucky" at the tables. 7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off. 6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger. 5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium. 4. Misspelling "potato." 3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot. 2. At your wedding, instead of saying, "I do," you accidentally say, "Boy, does my butt itch." 1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick.
10. Radio loses FM signal in fourth turn. 9. You crash going 200 mph and you end up in a Marv Albert blooper reel. 8. Suction cup Garfield blocks view of track. 7. Going fast is scary! 6. Having to take a leak with 100 laps left. 5. Forgetting to remove "the Club" before the race starts. 4. When the tape player eats your "Chorus Line" cassette before you've even gon e 50 laps. 3. People who pronounce it "Grand Prix." 2. When wife says you lack viscosity. 1. Potholes.
10. First judge to use the word "cran-tastic" in a legal brief. 9. Won $ 1.2 million from Michael Jordan on back nine at Augusta. 8. Has invented a combination glove and shovel called "The Glovel." 7. Allowed her cat to be filmed for Jurassic Park. 6. As a teenager, dated Joey Buttafuoco, Sr. 5. Four words: belches like a lumberjack. 4. She hates herself for it, but that "Diceman" cracks her up. 3. Spent three years traveling with a southern carnival as "Monkey Girl." 2. Once kicked Janet Reno's ass in a bar fight. 1. Nailed Wapner.
10. Take the new Pepsi Challenge. 9. Give your taste buds something to shout about. 8. Coke's for sissies. 7. 200cc's of great taste. 6. Every can inspected by Ray Charles. 5. Keep out of reach of children. 4. Vaccinate your thirst. 3. Michael Jackson's revenge for that time we set his hair on fire. 2. Un-huh, uh-huh, ow! 1. You've got the contaminated one, baby!
10. You legally change your name from "Bob" to "Bob-o-saurus." 9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately. 8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a stegosaurus. 7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally you're dino-d ead. 6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, "You bet Jurassic." 5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip of Diet Pe psi). 4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features. 3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus. 2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front of the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History. 1. Name your kids: "Di," "No," and "Saur."
10. Last week, pistol-whipped a Domino's delivery guy. 9. Bruises the size of softballs covering Al Gore's torso. 8. Prime Minister of Zimbabwe: "It is a pleasure being in your country." Clinton: "Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?" 7. Socks spotted with a black eye and a knot in his tail. 6. Overheard screaming, "How come they ain't no dang needle in my dang Pepsi?" 5. State of the Union address had to be bleeped 14 times. 4. Threatened to break Sam Donaldson's leg in three places for "being a dork." 3. Slapped a guy silly on White House tour for whistling the Beverly Hillbillie s theme. 2. Emptied Air Force One bathroom on Ross Perot's lawn. 1. Actually talked back to Hillary.
10. Favorite beverage: Billy Beer. 9. Your nominees for officers of the bowling league always run into trouble. 8. You jog every morning and never ever lose any weight. 7. Your checking account is $3 trillion overdrawn. 6. You're not, but it's a better scam than pretending to find syringes in cans of Diet Pepsi. 5. You still think shoes are for rich folks. 4. Whenever Hillary says something on T.V., you do it without question. 3. You instinctively feel the need to get it on with Barbra Streisand. 2. You have a genetic predisposition to being kind of a load. 1. Haven't done anything since January.
10. Kids can conduct science projects with peroxide and penicillin. 9. Always lots of "uncles" around the house. 8. Kid wouldn't have to go through life with an embarrassing last name. 7. For all the same reasons Joan Crawford made a wonderful mother. 6. Bound to be better at parenting than movie-acting. 5. Will start college fund with Pay-per-View of live birth. 4. One snip, and an old cone-shaped bra becomes two wacky party hats! 3. Owns wide variety of interesting teething objects. 2. Lots of practice changing diapers on grown men. 1. Did Barney.
10. Heads of state greet you by saying, "Nice knowing you, Pedro." 9. Larry King bumps you when Joyce DeWitt interview runs long. 8. Secret Service code name: Jimmy Carter II. 7. White House tour guide points at you and says, "There goes one term bubba." 6. Even your long-lost brother won't take your calls. 5. There's a Century 21 sign on the east lawn. 4. Rich Little doesn't even bother getting your voice down. 3. You change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, but everyone still just c alls you Prince. 2. Dukakis keeps asking if you want to split the price of a Winnebago. 1. You get Madonna pregnant.
10. Drop off hairpiece at security desk. 9. Vacuum out Wendell and write down his mileage. 8. One final "turn your head and cough" visit to NBC nurse. 7. Steal my weight in office supplies. 6. Let my plastic surgeon step out and take a bow - this has been his show as much as mine. 5. One last hot-oil rubdown from the knowing hands of Mr. John Chancellor. 4. Return artificial leg to props department. 3. Get one more cheap laugh by saying the word "Buttafuoco." 2. Send change of address forms to that woman who breaks into my house. 1. Untie Willard.
©1999-2000 Craig R. Hansen, All Rights Reserved.
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