Late Night
with David Letterman
Extra Top Ten Lists

These all supposedly come from the two Top Ten books out there. I can't confirm this and I don't know whether they were on the Big Show or if they're unique to the book. In any case they're all copyright WorldWide Pants, Inc. Thanks to bruce.goldman@midnite.com for posting them to the newsgroup.


The Easter Bunny's Top 10 Pet Peeves

10. Having to cross I-95
 9. Being mistaken for Shelley Duvall
 8. Hopping induces vertigo
 7. All the red tape involved in getting a liquor license
 6. Finding out your date is just a furry pink house slipper
 5. Can't we get someone bigger than Bob Barker as an anti-fur spokesman?
 4. Drunken calls from Santa reminding you that the kids REALLY love him
 3. When the Gambinos won't give you a lousy extra week to come up with
    the cash
 2. Jewish kids who own BB guns
 1. Ticks in your fur the size of jelly beans

Top 10 Ways Las Vegas is Better Than Paris


10. Vegas not crawling with Frenchmen
 9. Impossible to get "I Crapped Out in Paris" T-shirts
 8. Hard to get change in Louvre at 4 A.M.
 7. Paris inconveniently located thousands of miles from nuclear test sites
 6. Sorbonne basketball team is five tiny white guys
 5. Paris: men in berets on bicycles. Las Vegas: orangutans in cowboy hats
    on unicycles
 4. Vegas didn't lose a single inch of ground to Nazi war machine
 3. Palace of Versailles does not offer double jackpot time every 15 minutes
 2. Ten dollars won't buy you sex act in desert outside Paris
 1. Las Vegans: hard working, patriotic citizens. Parisians: lazy, wine
    swilling cheeseheads



Top 10 Summer Safety Tips from Jimmy "The Weasel" Fratianno


10. In Italian restaurants, only order food to go
 9. Wait one hour after eating before getting thrown in East River
 8. No horseplay while swinging on a meat hook
 7. To avoid dehydration, drink plenty of fluids before being locked in a
    trunk
 6. Always grasp knife by handle when removing it from your ribs
 5. Always fasten your seat belt, even in a car compactor
 4. When being held underwater, don't let flailing arms knock radio into tub
 3. Don't be seen having brunch with Geraldo Rivera (good advice for
    anybody)
 2. To avoid accidents at home, remember: Drapes don't have shoes
 1. Call Triple A to start your car in the event you want to start it



Top 10 Papers Written by Brooke Shields at Princeton


10. William Shakespeare: His Poetry Rates a Ten
 9. A Chemical Process in Three Stages: Lather, Rinse, Repeat
 8. Girls with Thin Eyebrows: Hideous Freaks of Nature
 7. Cliff Notes Versus Monarch Notes: Two Views of Hamlet
 6. Circles, Flowers, a Smiling Guy: So Many Ways to Dot the "I"
 5. The Pushy Overbearing Mother Figure in Literature
 4. Pretty Leaves I Found Outside Somewhere
 3. Black Americans: What I Hope to Say When I Meet One
 2. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
 1. The Male Organ: What It Might Look Like



Top 10 Punch Lines to Scottish Dirty Jokes


10. It took me a fortnight to get out of the thistles
 9. I didn't know you could also get wool from them!
 8. It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing
 7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
 6. I've heard of comin' through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
 5. Of course she's served millions - she's a McDonald
 4. Oh, so YOU'RE Wade Boggs
 3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
 2. Who's burning argyles?
 1. She's in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red



Subway Punk's Top 10 Etiquette Tips


10. When passing a sharpened screwdriver to a friend, remember - it's
    HANDLE FIRST.
 9. Don't be selfish; share your radio music with everyone else in the car
 8. Always say, "Could I have five dollars, PLEASE?"
 7. Allow your elders and ladies to jump turnstile ahead of you
 6. Lookouts work as hard as anybody; a 15% gratuity is customary
 5. Don't embarrass a victim by pointing out a fake Rolex
 4. When two wolf packs meet in a car, the group moving from front to
    rear has the right of way
 3. Victims who don't press charges deserve a nice thank-you note
 2. Learning a few phrases in a foreign language can save you minutes
    of fruitless shoving and slapping
 1. Don't be greedy; leave some valuables for the next gang of toughs



Top 10 Duties of the New Japanese Emperor


10. Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours
    at funeral
 9. Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife
 8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 in the morning and scream "Banzai!" into
    the phone
 7. Record "Your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas
 6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood
 5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson and Mothra
 4. Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town
 3. See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date
 2. Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling Federation
    bylaws
 1. Make sure America isn't late with the rent check



Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard


10. The Chin Slinky
 9. The Amish Outlaw
 8. The See-Through
 7. My Very First Beard - from Kenner!
 6. The Lunatic Fringe
 5. Senor Itchy
 4. The Radioactive Goat
 3. Salute to C. Everett Koop
 2. Gopher Butt
 1. The Babe Magnet



Top 10 Signs that You're Really in Love with Tom Brokaw


10. You hear Tom's voice, even when the news isn't on
 9. You think the new Whitney Houston song was written just for you and Tom
 8. Your picture of Dan Rather suddenly seems so childish
 7. You get a queasy feeling when he jokes with Connie Chung
 6. You daydream about him working on his car with his shirt off
 5. You pray for international catastrophes so there will be more special
    reports
 4. Your license plate is "LUVTOM"
 3. You have videocassettes of is three MGM musicals from the '50s
 2. You snatch his clothes from the laundromat dryer
 1. You derail Amtrak trains to get his attention



Top 10 Donahue Topics if Dogs Ran the Show


10. Worm Pill Addicts
 9. Dogs Who Use Cat Doors
 8. Post-neutering Depression
 7. Lady Mud Wrestlers (Well, they're not going to change EVERYTHING
    about the show!)
 6. Korea: The Evil Empire
 5. Those Romantic Pocono Tick Baths
 4. Falling in Love with Your Vet
 3. Owners Who Eat YOUR Leftovers
 2. Why Quayle?
 1. When to Stop Licking Yourself



Top 10 Least-used Hyphenated Words


10. Lick-proof
 9. Owl-flavored
 8. Hat-resistant
 7. Trunk-ripened
 6. Gumbel-scented
 5. Post-moistened
 4. Hitler-riffic
 3. Casket-tested
 2. Pants-happy
 1. Mookie-proofed



Top 10 Questions Asked on the White House Tour


10. Can I crash here tonight?
 9. What number president was Martin Sheen?
 8. Hey, cool! Whose slot cars?
 7. When will we reach Elvis' final resting place?
 6. How can George Bush STAND her?
 5. Can a man really be in love with two women at the same time?
 4. Why are your hamburgers square? (Oops, that's the White CASTLE tour)
 3. When's the next showing of Captain Eo?
 2. Are you cooking beans?
 1. Wow! Who's the blonde with Weinberger?



John Gotti's Top 10 Tax Tips


10. You can deduct the entire piano even if you bought it just for the wire
 9. Guys who escape from the trunk of your car may be considered business
    losses
 8. No matter how much he relies on your business, a funeral director does
    not count as a dependant
 7. Another write-off: long-distance calls to Pete Rose
 6. You must actually kill someone in your home for it to qualify as "place
    of business"
 5. Three simple words to the auditor: "How's your family?"
 4. For a vacation to count as a business trip, return with 100 pounds of
    heroin
 3. Smart-guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than
    they thought
 2. When reporting income, be plausible. No pizzeria in the world takes in
    3 billion dollars a day
 1. What H&R Block can't do, Smith & Wesson can



Top 10 Least Popular Broadway Shows


10. Oprah-homa!
 9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
 8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby
 7. Sharptonmania
 6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo
 5. I'm not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler:  A Dramatic Reading
    by James Earl Jones
 4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion
 3. Meese!
 2. Death of an Amway Salesman
 1. Oh! Velveeta!



Top 10 Courses Taken by Texas A & M Football Players


10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal
 9. The First 30 Pages of A Tale of Two Cities: Foundation of a Classic
 8. Sandwich-making (final project required)
 7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships: The Interlocking
    Economy
 6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States
 5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries
 4. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop
 3. Draw Winky
 2. From "First Love" to "Looker": The Films in Which Susan Dey Appears
    Naked
 1. The Poetry of Hank Stram



Top 10 Courses for Athletes at SMU


10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal
 9. The first 30 Pages of A Tale of Two Cities: Foundation of a Classic
 8. Sandwich-making (final project required)
 7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships: The interlocking
    Economy
 6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States
 5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries
 4. The Bunny and the Wolf:  Hand Shadow Workshop
 3. Draw Winky
 2. From First Love to Looker:  The Films in which Susan Dey appears naked
 1. The Poetry of Hank Stram



Top 10 Reasons U.S.A. is Better than Switzerland


10. Our cheese comes wrapped in individual slices
 9. Our army carries foot-long bayonets; their army carries corkscrews and
    tweezers.
 8. Swiss heavyweight champion cries like a baby when he gets hit
 7. Swiss noontime cuckoo din causes ears to bleed.
 6. So-called "little girls" in Heidi costumes actually hard-boiled midgets
    with rap sheets as long as your arm.
 5. Countdown of Top 40 yodeling hits wears thin around number 20.
 4. People on Swiss streets routinely get into fist fights over the correct
    time.
 3. Swiss steak. 'Nuff said ...
 2. While they were dipping fondue, we were kicking Nazi butt.
 1. We don't have the word "Switzer" in our name!



Top 10 Least-Loved Christmas Stories


10. Amahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
 9. The Sweatiest Angel
 8. Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender
 7. Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema
 6. A Holiday Visit from Salmonella
 5. Ironman Mike Tyson Hurts Santa Real Bad
 4. My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives
 3. Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in His Extremities
 2. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
 1. The Teddy Bear Who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk



Top 10 Questions Asked of Miss America Contestants


10. Which is your favorite dancing raisin?
 9. Can you spell your home state without looking at your banner?
 8. How does it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
 7. How much of your scholarship money have you lost in the slots?
 6. If you were stranded on a desert island with a shampoo for oily hair
    and creme rinse for dry hair - what would you do?
 5. Aren't there any other girls in your state?
 4. Don't you want some ointment on that?
 3. Are those real?
 2. Don't you have anything better to do?
 1. Would you consider teaming up with Miss Teen U.S.A. to fight crime
    like Batman and Robin?



The Top 10 Talents from the "Miss Iraq Pageant"


10. High-pitched shrieking.
 9. Getting plastic explosives through airport security.
 8. Withstanding the kick of a donkey.
 7. Making poison gas out of common kitchen cleansers.
 6. Pointing to Mecca after being spun around 3 times blindfolded.
 5. Describing what they would look like in a bathing suit if they
    were permitted to wear one.
 4. Denouncing pork.
 3. Blowing self up in car parking lot.
 2. Vogue-ing.
 1. Beating the hell out of Miss Kuwait.



Mrs. Noriega's Top 10 Pet Peeves


10. Clearasil on pillowcases
 9. Every Thursday, it's torture night with the boys
 8. He keeps track of big bundles of drug money but can't remember the last
    time he paid the paper boy
 7. Husbands who violently threaten the U.S.A just when you're about to fly
    to New York to catch Tyne Daly in "Gypsy"
 6. Kids who don't want to get up from in front of the TV when you ask them
    to carry a sack of cocaine out to the Cessna
 5. Every anniversary the same thing: Banana Republic gift certificates
 4. When the good china gets sprayed with machine-gun fire
 3. That Billy Joel song mentions everybody but her husband
 2. He launders millions of dollars - but try to get him to rinse out his socks
 1. Spaceships that land on husband's face mistaking it for surface of moon



Top 10 Children's Books NOT Recommended by the National Library Association


10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
 9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
 8. Legends of Scab Football
 7. Teddy:  The Elf with a Detached Retina
 6. Tommy Tune:  Boy Choreographer
 5. Joe Garagoila Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the
    Endings to All of Them
 4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
 3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
 2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
 1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead



Top 10 Prom Themes


10. We Remember Khomeini
 9. Our Sagging Dollar
 8. A Night in Drew Barrymore's Basement
 7. Mudslide!
 6. The Best Years of Our Lives Are Now Over
 5. Satanic Teenage Time Bombs
 4. Surrounded by Infected Ticks
 3. Our Crummy Gym with a Couple of Streamers
 2. Rob Lowe Pajama Party
 1. McDonald's Is Hiring



Top 10 Summer Jobs in Hell


10. Intestine adjuster
 9. Professional bowler chaperone
 8. Pit bull tickler
 7. Rex Reed's living chair
 6. Cleveland Indians ticket scalper
 5. Personal scratcher to Mr. Ed Asner
 4. Understudy to big Kool-Aid pitcher
 3. Hornet groomer
 2. Staff psychologist, Islamic Jihad
 1. Human axle, Raymond Burr's town car



Bigfoot's Top 10 Pet Peeves


10. Fat guys who lounge around the camp-ground shirtless
 9. Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
 8. Chicks who have a hang-up about lice-infested body hair
 7. This Dan Quayle jerk
 6. Kids today would rather see the San Diego Chicken
 5. Lead role in The Ed Asner Story never materialized
 4. The way squirrels smell when they're damp
 3. Elvis always drops by right before dinner
 2. Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to enjoy road kill
 1. Driver's license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman



Top 10 Reasons Why This Book is Better Than Dave Letterman's TV Show


10. Can sit naked in front of book without fear of radiation
 9. Reader not distracted by Dave's awful haircut
 8. Can be readily enjoyed in Amish households
 7. If you fall asleep while reading the book you won't wake up to a fat
    weather guy wishing Happy Birthday to one hundred-year-olds
 6. Can use your imagination to picture lists being read aloud by handsome
    actor George Peppard
 5. Orgami! Orgami! Orgami!
 4. Can be enjoyed by inmates who have lost their TV privileges
 3. Carrying book around proudly announces to rest of world, "I can read
    large print!"
 2. Easier to shoplift than 26-inch Trinitron Stereo Sony
 1. Any book is better than Dave's TV show



Top 10 More Reasons Why This Book is Better Than Dave Letterman's TV Show


10. No Phony-baloney actors and actresses plugging their piece-of-crap movies
 9. Easier to sway away killer bees with paperback
 8. If you're carrying it in your pocket and get shot with a small-caliber
    bullet from 500 yards away - it could save your life
 7. Dave's incessant whining edited out
 6. Virtually no chance of Richard Simmons suddenly appearing in book
 5. Introduction of typeset page sure to revolutionize medieval Europe
 4. Book contains answers to written portion of your state's driving test
 3. Book costs money, TV show given away free (our perspective only)
 2. Harder for G.E. pinheads to louse up book
 1. Book dedicated to you; TV show dedicated to a poodle that once saved
    Dave's life



Top 10 Least Effective Bits of Infield Chatter


10. "Don't hit it here.  I have trouble with grounders!"
 9. "Hey, beer man!  Two down here!
 8. "Your mother wears attractive pumps with a modest heel!"
 7. "Hey, look!  A barn swallow!"
 6. "My name is Bill and I'm an alcoholic!"
 5. "We're the Cleveland Indians!"
 4. "Get this guy out - and I'll give you a big hug!"
 3. "A hundred years from now, what difference will it make?"
 2. "I'm really awfully sleepy!"
 1. "Hey - it's only a game"



Top 10 New Features on Air Force One


10. External P.A. system so president can greet drivers on interstate
    highways below.
 9. Coppertone banner for flying over beach.
 8. Bitchin' flame decals
 7. Fake antenna to make people think they have a cellular phone on board
 6. Button that transforms plane into glowing saucer to screw with farmers
    in Midwest
 5. Plastic monster on wing to intimidate foreign dignitaries from Third
    World nations
 4. Melon baller
 3. Pet door for Millie - the President's flying dog
 2. Stealth babes
 1. Phony steering wheel so Vice President Quayle can pretend he's flying plane



Top 10 Inexpensive Weekend Activities in New York City

 - from the NY Times

10. Ruptured-pipe steam baths in middle of street
 9. Take bible out of hotel room drawer,  Look out window. Circle the
    Commandments as you see them broken
 8. Lie down in chalk body outlines to see if they fit
 7. Rummage through meat plant dumpster off 14th street; try to assemble your
    own cow
 6. Watch "America's Most Wanted," then go fugitive-spotting at the Port
    Authority
 5. Use birdseed, get Columbus Circle pigeons to spell out nasty words.
 4. Try on pair of pants at Macy's, then walk around store asking everyone
    you see, "How do they look?"
 3. Throw rocks at Chrysler building and wait for old man Chrysler to come
    out and chase you away
 2. Buy fake police ID in Times Square and strip search self
 1. Remember - the D in D Train is for Dancing!



Top 10 Government Euphemisms For a Recession


10. Lifestyle downscaling opportunity
 9. Our little problem
 8. The ugly, stupid cousin of robust growth
 7. Something for you '30s nostalgia buffs
 6. Cheap meat-eatin' days
 5. A treat for our bankruptcy lawyer friends
 4. A good time to switch to RC Cola
 3. Still a hell of a lot better than any country in South America, pal
 2. The National Bummer
 1. It's Krazy Dollar Days!



Top 10 Business and Banking Tips From Neil Bush


10. Demand two pieces of ID before loaning a guy 100 million dollars
 9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase, "My dad's the
    President"
 8. Read my lips: Cheat on taxes
 7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the street
 6. Ask Quayle is he has two tens for a five.  Repeat until you're rich
 5. When somebody pays you to repave their driveway, just use black paint
 4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machine
 3. Remind reporters that, unlike Ronald Reagan, Jr. you never wore leotards
    in your life
 2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven
 1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant "Oops!"



Top 10 Good Things About New York


10. Can get car windows clean at every street corner
 9. New rule:  Autopsy results in less than a half hour - or it's free
 8. Annual abandoned-auto show
 7. Four words: Regis and Kathie Lee
 6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouses allows you to skip out on check
 5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking nice
 4. Plenty of empty seats in Manhattan churches
 3. 911 is a toll-free call
 2. The best-looking hookers in the world!
 1. The sickening filth, deafening noise, and terrifying danger offset by a
    $3 cup of coffee



Top 10 Perks to Being One of US Magazine's Ten Most Beautiful Women


10. Free coffee with fill-up at participating Texaco
 9. Fewer hassles when applying for a commercial fishing license
 8. Become subject of late-night discussions in prison
 7. Stunning bone structure creates a good diversion when shoplifting
 6. Power to dispatch U.S. troops anywhere in the hemisphere without
    consulting congress
 5. Less time waiting around in supermarkets because you can now use the
    "World's Ten Most Beautiful Women" checkout aisle
 4. Get to cruelly speculate as to who was number eleven
 3. Lifetime membership in Kraft Marconi & Cheese Club
 2. Your picture in the back rooms of muffler shops everywhere
 1. Counterboy at McDonald's usually tosses in a couple extra ketchups
    without you having to ask



Top 10 Signs Summer's Over in Hell


10. Ayatollah no longer walks around with zinc oxide on his nose
 9. Molten lava slide closes for season
 8. Only television station switches from round-the-clock reruns of
    "Who's the Boss?" to all-new episodes of "Who's the Boss?"
 7. Anguished cries for ice water replaced by anguish cries for cider
    and doughnuts
 6. Satan begins annual fretting about whether it would be cheaper to switch
    the whole system over to natural gas
 5. Tours less crowded to see future home of Saddam Hussein
 4. Hell's weatherman starts to make jokes about "freezing over"
 3. Giant groundhog comes out of his hole, sees his shadow, and eats 5 people
 2. Season begins for hell's official football team - The New York Jets
 1. Sign-up sheets posted for hayride with Hitler



Top 10 Rejected Crayola Colors


10. Bruise Purple
 9. Bus Station Brown
 8. Exxon Spill Gray
 7. Shecky Green
 6. Scorched Flesh
 5. Off Whitey
 4. You're Just Plain Yellow
 3. Ochre Winfrey
 2. Jaundice
 1. Cholesterol Beige



Top 10 Surprises in the Mr. Peanut Autobiography


10. First name Keith
 9. His mother was half cashew
 8. Sleeps in a big pile of dirt
 7. Divorced first Mrs. Peanut after she became involved with a bag of trail mi
 6. The Pillsbury Doughboy?  Gay as a tangerine
 5. Peanut language not that different from English
 4. Once shot out TV screen when Robert Goulet appeared on it
 3. Belongs to a country club that doesn't admit pistachios
 2. High school guidance counselor told him he'd never be anything but
    a huge unemployed freak
 1. Once arrested wandering New York's Port Authority at dawn chanting "Eat me"



Top 10 New Sources of Energy


10. Harness static cling in Joe Garagiola's pants
 9. Build hydroelectric dam to utilize flow of spit on New York City streets
 8. In cold and flu season, use foreheads of feverish youngsters to warm
    dinner rolls
 7. Jackie Onassis thought to be hoarding vast reserves of soft coal in her
    East Side apartment
 6. Put Curly on a treadmill; stuff beehive in his pants
 5. Make use of steam that comes out of Quayle's ears when he tries to do
    long division
 4. Big friendly birds
 3. Tap megadose of radiation given off by TV's broadcasting "Late Night"
    program
 2. How about Superman getting off his ass?
 1. Harness the sexual tension between MacNeil and Lehrer



Top 10 Rejected Half-time Shows for the Super Bowl


10. "The 'Up With People' Kids Suffering from Really Bad Head Colds"
 9. "The National Organization of Women Presents 'Victor Kiam, Go to Hell'"
 8. "A Thousand Shirtless Drunk Guys in Rainbow Wigs"
 7. "Vicious Dog Chases Frank Gifford Across the Field"
 6. "Twenty-five Years of Super Bowl Groin Pulls"
 5. "Open Mike Night"
 4. "When Meat Rots"
 3. "John Madden Tries to Do a Sit-up"
 2. "The Golden Girls: Topless!"
 1. "The Sound of Recession"



Top 10 Big News Stories Buried on the Back Pages of the Newspaper


10. Walter Mondale trapped in Texas well
 9. New drug allows Cocoa Puffs bird to calmly consume Cocoa Puffs
 8. Hitler found alive, managing Milwaukee Radio Shack
 7. Brother from rock group Nelson wed in courthouse mix-up
 6. Pete Rose's dog banned from Baseball Players' Dog Hall of Fame
 5. Early Shatner hairpiece fetches record million at Sotherby's auction
 4. Canada massing troops on Alaskan border
 3. Congress ratifies new amendment" Soup to be spelled "S-U-P-E"
 2. Super Bowl played early; six-hour game ends in scoreless tie
 1. New Monkees reunited



Top 10 Surprises in Bush's State-of-the-Union Address


10. First president to address joint session of Congress shirtless
 9. Refreshing decision to read speech in comical Yiddish accent
 8. Extracting one of his own teeth with pair of pliers
 7. Secret Service's excessive use of force in subduing Energizer bunny
 6. Way Jack Kemp and Elizabeth Dole openly made out all during speech
 5. Entertaining way his puppet pal Koko announced tax increases while
    president drank a glass of water
 4. Offer to sell, at Blue Book value, his old Air Force One
 3. His assertion that he's a little girl trapped in a man's body
 2. Apology for unprovoked air strike against Montreal
 1. Concluding speech by saying, "Time to make the doughnuts"



Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor is a Serial Killer


10. Overheard muttering to himself, "Damn lying squirrels!"
 9. Wonders if his front lawn landscaping would impress Jodie Foster
 8. Flashing neon sign on his roof reads DRIFTERS WELCOME
 7. Since he moved to town, the paper's obituary section has expanded
    to four pages
 6. Often selling Domino's Pizza uniforms at yard sales
 5. Always says, "Let's see what else is on" whenever "America's Most
    Wanted" starts
 4. You feel perfectly happy after killing one person, but he insists on
    killing more
 3. Claims to be engaged to Kaye Ballard
 2. Two words: swastika pajamas
 1. Thinks he's the Vern that the "Hey, Vern" guy is talking to



Top 10 Highlights from ESPN's "Sportscenter"


10. Heated round table discussion: "Why do Ballplayers Scratch Themselves?"
 9. Inspiring segment: "Monster Trucks and the Men Who Lube Them"
 8. Strangely fascinating slow-motion footage of Don Zimmer doing half
    gainer from the high board
 7. Chris Berman's on-air proposal to Morganna the Kissing Bandit
 6. Scoring tips from Ted Kennedy
 5. Display of items found in stadium drinking fountains
 4. When the fat film critic and the skinny film critic argue
 3. During the final four recap Dick Vitale gets excited and swallows his
    tongue
 2. Tommy Lasorda chugs gallon of Slim-Fast; loses 20 pounds on camera
 1. Regular feature: "Groin-Pull Roundup"



Top 10 Ways to Spend the Extra Hour of Daylight Savings


10. Twenty three-minute eggs
 9. Write Police Academy sequels 7 through 15
 8. A wagonload of microwave waffles
 7. Tell your family you love them (#7 has been brought to you by the
    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints).
 6. Try on every pair of pants in your closet as you yell out the window,
    "They fit!"
 5. Whittle
 4. Memorize lyrics to "American Pie"
 3. Call Time-Life.  Hit on Judy the Operator
 2. Train your monkey to ride one of those little tricycles
 1. Shampoo, rinse, repeat, Shampoo, rinse, repeat, Shampoo, rinse, repeat



Top 10 Little Tasks for the Reunited Germany


10. Decide which picture of Elvis goes on new 50-mark note
 9. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem
 8. Send in change-of-address cards to wrestling magazines
 7. Negotiate mutually agreeable license plate slogan
 6. Package more loose rocks as "Pieces of the Berlin Wall" for gullible
    American tourists
 5. Retrieve plans for Fourth Reich from Swiss safe deposit box
 4. Figure out whether Miss West Germany or Miss East Germany gets to go to
    the Miss Universe Pageant
 3. Thank Roy Clark for orchestrating this whole reunification thing
 2. Finish erasing giant white dotted line at border
 1. Practice saying "We're going to Disney World"



Top 10 Words Used Least in the Bible


10. Perky
 9. Fudge-a-licious
 8. Rootin'-tootin'
 7. Buttinsky
 6. Schweppervescence
 5. Mall Bunny
 4. Gas-guzzling
 3. Yankee Fan
 2. Boinnnng!
 1. Slap-happy



Top 10 Dog Thoughts


10. "I could've sworn I heard the can opener"
 9. "Why doesn't the government do something about mange?"
 8. "Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Cosby"
 7. "I wonder if Toto was Gay"
 6. "Mmm ... that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!"
 5. "Hey - No kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener"
 4. "I still miss Lorne Greene."
 3. "Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we
    weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?"
 2. "Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener"
 1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?"



Top 10 Words that Almost Rhyme With "Peas"


10. Heats
 9. Rice
 8. Moss
 7. ties
 6. Needs
 5. Lens
 4. Ice
 3. Nurse
 2. Leaks
 1. Meats



Top 10 Least Popular Fairy Tales


10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap
 9. Geraldo and Gretel
 8, The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants
 7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharptons Hair
 6. The Big Dragon with Intestinal Distress
 5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People
 4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey
 3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
 2. The Little Engine the Occasionally Couldn't
 1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams



Top 10 Canine Disorders or Debutante Complaints


10. Distemper
 9. Rabies
 8. Broken Heel
 7. Wilted Corsage
 6. Mange
 5. Out of Shrimp
 4. Heartworms
 3. Warm Tab
 2. Ticks
 1. Kennel couch - Daddy's drunk (tie)



Top 10 Chapter Titles from Shirley MacLaines new Book


10. My Years with the White Sox
 9. Pizza to Go - from Alpha Centauri
 8. Leif Erikson:  Lousy in the Sack
 7. I Go Completely Nuts and Start Writing Books
 6. I Was the 1,378,000th Burger Sold at McDonalds
 5. Flying Saucers:  More Dependable than Eastern
 4. The Voices in My Head Argue Over Their Share of the Book Royalties
 3. Is that a Crystal in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me?
 2. Didn't I Already Write this Chapter?
 1. I'm Crazy?  You Spent $21.95 on This Book!



Top 10 Least Popular Fairy Tales


10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap
 9. Geraldo and Gretel
 8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants
 7. The Little Old Lady Who Live in Al Sharpton's hair
 6. The Big Dragon with Intestinal Distress
 5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People
 4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey
 3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
 2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't
 1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams



Top 10 Complaints by Comic Strip Characters


10. Buried in back of the newspaper
 9. Have to share page with horoscope
 8. Word balloon causes pressure on head
 7. Body out of proportion
 6. Poor sex life
 5. Asked out on date by Sluggo
 4. Dizziness, vomiting from smell of newsprint
 3. Mary Worth is "a real bringdown"
 2. Garfield smells bad
 1. I don't have thumbs



Top 10 Cool Things about the Druids


10. They used Stonehenge for their ceremonies
 9. They regarded oak and misletoe as sacred
 8. They wore scary-looking hooded robes
 7. They said "please" and "thank you" before and after human sacrifice
 6. They studied the flights of birds to predict the future without the aid
    of a daily syndicated horoscope column
 5. They kept hot drinks hot, cool drinks cool
 4. They made fun of Roman soldiers wearing skirts
 3. They sometimes worshipped a giant statue of Ray Charles
 2. They claimed to be "born to lose"
 1. They died out in the early fifth century/They partied like it was 1999 (tie




Top 10 Nicknames for Jack Klugman


10. Jackie
 9. Klug
 8. Klugger
 7. The Klugmeister
 6. Oscar/Quincy
 5. Buzz
 4. Cowboy
 3. Spud
 2. Dink
 1. Cap'n



Libya's Top 10 Derogatory Terms for Americans


10. Imperialist Pigs
 9. Yankee Jackals
 8. Milkshake-Swilling Devils
 7. Bowling-Addicted Hyenas
 6. Fess Parkers
 5. Steak-Gorged Gunslingers
 4. Red-White-and-Goofies
 3. Hedge-Trimming Elvis-Lovers
 2. Beardless Buick Jockeys
 1. Golfshoe Geeks



Top 10 Duties of Dave's Assistant Laurie Diamond


10. Call Mom on major holidays and play tape of Dave wishing her the best
 9. Reserve steam room for my weekly current events discussion with Mike Tyson
 8. Apologize to guests from night before
 7. Keep Dave updated on what's happening in "Marmaduke" comic strip
 6. Research retail price of gifts given to me by staffers
 5. Scan lost & found columns for any sign of the monkey-fur jump suit
 4. Steam uncanceled stamps off fan mail
 3. Some minor surgery
 2. Monitor Italian sex magazines for any mention of me
 1. Help me get my money back from those liars over at Tastee-Freeze



Top 10 Least Popular Exhibits at the Baseball Hall of Fame


10. The Tobacco Juice Foundation and Reflecting Pool
 9. Babe Ruth's cup
 8. What-It's-Like-to-Get-Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Nolan-Ryan-Fastball
 7. The Yogi Berra Kissing Booth
 6. The giant stack of Pete Rose's losing OTB tickets
 5. Display case of garbage thrown at the San Diego Chicken
 4. Steve Garvey's bed and on-deck circle
 3. Cocktail glass filled with Billy Martin's knocked-out teeth
 2. Scratch-a-Real-Big--Leaguer
 1. The Audioanimatronic Mookie



Top 10 Elf Complaints


10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stop
 9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
 8. Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
 7. Black elves control weight room
 6. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
 5. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-Eleven
 4. Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "Mistletoe lung"
 3. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's an Elvis complaint)
 2. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
 1. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi



Top 10 Excuses of the Exxon Tanker Captain


10. Was trying to scrape ice off reel for margarita
 9. Thought, harbor was filled with the soft, fluffy kind of rocks
 8. Felt flourishing salmon population was getting a little cocky lately
 7. Wanted to impress Jodie Foster
 6. Kept drinking beer to was away taste of cheap scotch
 5. First mate and I were having "tastes great/less filling" argument
 4. Swerving to avoid oncoming Eastern Airlines jet
 3. You really need a good nap after downing a pitcher of frozen daiquiris
 2. Hoping to dislodge any whales that might be trapped in ice
 1. Man, was I 'faced!



Fawn Hall's Top 10 Turn-ons


10. Guys with cute code names
 9. Rebel leaders who send a card for no special reason
 8. Anything in camouflage
 7. Heavy petting under sodium pentathol
 6. Guys with their own private armies
 5. Death squad members who aren't afraid to cry sometimes
 4. Guys who leave their medals on
 3. People in really goofy costumes who jump up and down (Oh, sorry, that's
    a Monty Hall turn-on)
 2. Sitting on the paper shredder when it's going full speed
 1. Sharing a quiet moment with a known national security risk



Top 10 Fears of McDonald's Managers


10. Under excruciating torture, I might reveal the ingredients of secret sauce
 9. Customers will figure out fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same item
 8. Mayor McCheese's nude, lifeless body will be found in a cheap hotel room
    somewhere down south
 7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget
 6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, "Do you want fries with that?"
 5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and damn it - he's
    not ready!
 4. Something will happen to Bush
 3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty inside
 2. Someday a race of super cows will make paper-thin burgers out of me
 1. That might not be mayonnaise



Top 10 Carnival Pickup Lines


10. I couldn't help noticing you throw up on the Tilt-a-Whirl
 9. Is somebody frying dough or is that you
 8. But I have to put my hands there to guess your weight
 7. I get off at nine, Senator Tower
 6. After a nice candlelit dinner, I'll let you pound a nail into my head
 5. I'm sure I've got a tattoo of your name on me somewhere
 4. How'd you like to become Mrs. Torso?
 3. Insert your own corndog joke here
 2. You know, if you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to carnival
    trash, you could be a model
 1. Is that a ring toss game - or are you just glad to see me?



Top 10 Headlines in Hell


10. Hitler Welcomes Mengele in Touching ceremony
 9. Icewater Canceled - Again!
 8. Slumbering Carnivorous Worms Awaken in Very Bad Mood
 7. Authorities Announce:  Everything to Feel "Itchier"
 6. Satan Vows: Steinbrenner's My Man for the Entire Season
 5. Roy Cohn to Host Networking Barbecue
 4. Most Residents Prefer Flame-Broiling to Frying
 3. Muzak to Feature "Up with People" for Rest of Eternity
 2. Welcoming Party for Ayatollah Best Ever
 1. We're Getting Cable



Top 10 Headlines That Would Start a Panic


10. Casey Kasem Builds Own Nuclear Device
 9. Yanks Swap Mattingly for Eve Arden
 8. Walking Dead Stalk City, Demand Soul Kissing
 7. It Turns Out You Really Need Your Tonsils
 6. Seals & Croft, Brewer & Shipley to Form Supergroup
 5. Nell Carter, Playboy magazine Reach Terms
 4. Constitution Thrown Out in Favor of Old "Marmaduke" Cartoon
 3. "Sometimes When We Touch" Made National Anthem
 2. Willie Nelson Discovered Washing Hair in New York City Water Supply
 1. "Late Night" to Begin Top Twenty Lists



10 Top Iranian T-Shirt Slogans


10. Iraq Busters
 9. Surf Straits of Hormuz
 8. Mom and Dad Blew Up a Busload of Tourists and All I Got Was This
    Lousy T-Shirt
 7. Death to All Americans - except Mtley Cre
 6. Official Veil Inspector
 5. Kiss Me, I'm a Walking Time Bomb
 4. I've Been Tested for Sand Chiggers
 3. You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Set Yourself on Fire & Run into an Enemy
    Tank - But It Sure Helps
 2. If You Don't Ride a Camel, You Ain't Shiite
 1. Spuds Khomeini: The Original Party Animal



Top 10 Christmas Tips from General Electric


10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
 9. Fluorescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for kids
 8. Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
 7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing
    out bonuses
 6. Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling of
    warmth and intimacy
 5. We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
 4. Same deal with Westinghouse
 3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
 2. A G.E. industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
 1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out



Top 10 Indy 500 Pit Crew Pet Peeves


10. Drivers who want a free NFL mug with every fill-up
 9. Being played in the movies by Jim Nabors
 8. Racers in such a hurry to get out of pit they run over your origami birds
 7. For the rest of your life, any time you're in a car that gets a flat,
    everyone just assumes that you should fix it
 6. They keep blacking out the good parts of the Rob Lowe video
 5. It's hard to pick up chicks while reeking of methane
 4. The way those suction-cup Garfield dolls fall off at 230 miles per hour
 3. Joke T-shirts that say "Pit Crew Guys Do It in Seven Seconds"
 2. Really big dogs who get themselves booked on TV shows and then don't show
    up
 1. Those pansies at Jiffy-Lube



James Brown's Top 10 Prison Complaints


10. Only two hair dryers for over 3,000 men!
 9. Guards keep calling me "Little Richard"
 8. Always getting legs caught in the bars when doing the splits
 7. 5 packs of cigarettes for one bottle of Luster Silk!
 6. Prison library scandalous short of Jane Austen novels
 5. Escape tunnel too narrow to shimmy in
 4. Irritating snoring of Ike Turner
 3. Death Row guys always win talent show because of sympathy vote
 2. Can't believe I'm in here and John Denver walks around free
 1. Just hate being soul brother #175683



Jim Bakker's Top 10 Pickup Lines


10. Pray here often?
 9. Your eyes are the same color as my leisure suit
 8. Let me give you my 800 number
 7. What's your favorite - Old or New Testament?
 6. I can give you a lift as far as Charlotte
 5. If I don't get two million women by June first, God will kill me
 4. But you're not married to your cousin yet
 3. I look like a frog, but I love like a stallion
 2. You're not Jewish, are you?
 1. Tiffany Lurlene? Why, that was my mother's name!



Top 10 Job Titles on Kurt Waldheim's Resume


10. Secretary-General, United Nations (1972)
 9. Austrian Presidential candidate (1986)
 8. Officer, Diplomatic Corps (1946)
 7. German Army translator (1939)
 6. Second Clarinet, Panzer Auxiliary Band (1943)
 5. Volunteer coach, Little Little Aryans Softball League (1935)
 4. Treasurer, Luftwaffe Pep Club (1944)
 3. Fashion consultant, Brown Shirts (1932)
 2. (I can't quite make out number 2 - apparently it's been erased)
 1. Desert chef, "The Bunker" (1945)



Cleveland Indian Players Top 10 Excuses


10. Lost it in the lights
 9. Thought ball would go foul
 8. Ball took a wicked hop
 7. Thought you had it
 6. Fumes from artificial turf made me woozy
 5. Feelings hurt by jeers of so-called fans
 4. Had one of my spells
 3. Just couldn't get Michelob Light jingle out of my head
 2. Had bad clams for lunch
 1. Distracted by high-pitched sounds only I can hear



Top 10 Complaints of New York City Cops


10. Police-band radio: too much talk, not enough rock
 9. Shoulder holster can only hold three doughnuts
 8. Out-of-towners under tip
 7. Jackie Onassis always kick out windows in back of cruiser
 6. Winter uniforms "too dowdy"
 5. Not allowed to sell Amway products on beat
 4. Forced to look the other way when Mayor "greets Merv Griffin"
 3. Later novels of Thackeray failed to live up to promise of his early works
 2. Only nice girls we meet are criminals
 1. Commissioner too quick to call in Batman



Top 10 Least Popular Pepperidge Farm Cookies


10. Asbestos Snaps
 9. Broccoloons
 8. Tainted Oyster Dainties
 7. Gravel Sandys
 6. Cinnamon Sharptons
 5. Cholestrol Chubbies
 4. Spackle Swirlies
 3. Mallomar Khaddafys
 2. Monkey Clumps
 1. Johnny Bench's Nut Cups



Top 10 Terrifying Thoughts That Come To You as You're Falling Asleep


10. What if there are other Stallone brothers?
 9. That guy moving in next door sure looked a lot like Jon "Bowser" Bauman
 8. Could I get a rash on the inside of my skin
 7. Did I really give Wendell my home number?
 6. What if God is a lot like Howie Mandel?
 5. I could've sworn I saw Jimmy the Greek behind the hamper!
 4. What if the musical Cats is now and forever?
 3. Is that my hand?
 2. What the hell is in secret sauce?
 1. What if John Gotti didn't think i was kidding?



Top 10 Things Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today


10. "Through the years, the Union has been preserved."
 9. "We still must strive to reach our goal of equality."
 8. "How much money do I get from these Lincoln Logs?"
 7. "I really like the taste of menthol cigarettes."
 6. "What the Hell is Donahue doing in Russia?"
 5. "Why is the video store always out of Mandingo?"
 4. "I really think I should have been the king in that Civil War Chess set"
 3. "Hey, babe, that's me on the five-dollar bill."
 2. "Eeaagh! Iron Bird!"
 1. "That fruit Jefferson gets Monticello. I get a tunnel."



Top 10 Things Overheard at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony


10. "Please to meet you, Bo, is this Mrs. Diddley?"
 9. "How was the food at the Betty Ford Center?"
 8. "How come nobody's sitting with Albert Goldman?"
 7. "The Archies haven't been the same since Jughead died."
 6. "David Crosby wants to know if you're gonna finish your dessert."
 5. "I'm sorry, Mr. Yastrzemski, but you're at the wrong banquet."
 4. "Keith is such a healthy blue color."
 3. "Sure the pay is good, but working with Letterman every night really sucks.
 2. "Could you please lift your head out of my Salad?"
 1. "May I see some I.D., Mr. Presley?"



TOP 10 LINES FROM THE NEW STAR TREK MOVIE


10. Captain!  There's a horrible life form on your head!  Oh, sorry, It's your
    hairpiece.
 9. Surprise! Those aren't Dilithium Crystals - they're Folgers Crystals!
 8. Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor!
 7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls "the Captains's log."
 6. Computer analysis of the tapes indicates it really is Rob Lowe
 5. Geez - I'm sick of you guys!
 4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from Earth to
    Trump.
 3. Oh, yeah? Well, beam this up, pal!
 2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
 1. Screw the Final Frontier! Let's go see Batman.



Top 10 other threats God made to Oral Roberts


10. Send him Redd Foxx as a house guest
 9. Make him a die-hard Seattle Mariners fan
 8. Force him to spend lots of his free time with Judd Nelson
 7. Have the figures on his Civil War chess set come alive and make fun of
    his clothing
 6. Give Fred "The Hammer" Williamson the power to strip-search him at any
    time
 5. Force him to lend pocket comb to Jerry Lewis
 4. Pepper his speech with "Okie-dokies"
 3. Disturb his sleep with 3 A.M. phone calls from a teary-eyed Larry King
 2. Take all black players off the Oral Roberts University basketball team
 1. Make him spend eternity in Bonanza Steakhouse with Carol Channing



TOP 10 QUESTIONS ASKED ON THE NBC TOUR


10. Who plays the part of Tom Brokaw on the Nightly News?
 9. Are all those rats for a show?
 8. Can I slap Gene Shalit?
 7. Why do we have to wear goggles around the "Today" show set?
 6. How art thou, brother? (Quakers only)
 5. When do we get to the shark?
 4. Why can't people live in peace together?
 3. Does Roger Mudd give every tour the finger?
 2. Can I have my money back?
 1. Whaddya mean - Crosby's in Brooklyn?



Top 10 Things Shirley MacLaine was in Previous Lives


10. George Washington's special friend Howie
 9. Original Darren on "Bewitched"
 8. Big dumb fish (mid-thirteenth century)
 7. Confucius groupie
 6. Equipment manager, Buffalo Sabres
 5. Undercooked chop sent back by President Wilson
 4. Another big dumb fish (late sixteenth century)
 3. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake on M*A*S*H (Oops, I'm sorry, that's McLean
    Stevenson)
 2. Plankton eaten by big dumb fish (early nineteenth century)
 1. Can of Stop 'N' Shop diagonally sliced green beans



Tom Brokaw's Top 10 Turn-ons


10. Long walk on the beach
 9. A perfumed bath on a rainy afternoon
 8. Raisa Gorbachev in a waitress uniform
 7. Doing the news with no pants on
 6. When they sneak some swear words into a PG movie
 5. Connie Chung's discarded makeup sponges
 4. Slow dancing in the White House briefing room
 3. Body glitter
 2. Hang-gliding nude over state prisons
 1. Fat checkout girls who wear a ton of makeup.



Top 10 Ways American Cars Would be Different if Ralph Nader Had Never Been Born


10. Dashboard hibachis
 9. Seat belts made of piano wire
 8. Windshield replaced with ant farm for kids
 7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like old time movie
 6. 50-foot antennas allow you to broadcast while driving
 5. Optional front-seat hammocks
 4. Wiper fluid reservoir routinely filled with thousand island dressing
 3. New York City taxis would be exactly the same
 2. The paper Buick
 1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting "Punch it! Punch it!"



Top 10 Rejected Circus Slogans


10. Catch clown fever
 9. Come smell the excitement!
 8. Yes! We have middle-aged women in spangled bikinis!
 7. Don't wear shoes you care about
 6. The lowest-paid performers on Earth - We pass the savings on to you!
 5. Our clowns have all their shots!
 4. No shirt. No shoes. No problem!
 3. Come see us before the immigration department does!
 2. Ever see camels do it?
 1. Come have a corndog with the human torso!



Top 10 Ways Life would be Different if Dogs Ran the World


10. More Donahue shows about shedding
 9. Presidential candidate more likely to stop in mid-speech and sniff base
    of podium
 8. Cats must report address to post office every year
 7. Procter and Gamble introduces new liver flavored Crest
 6. Drinking from toilet no longer a faux pas
 5. Museums filled with still lifes of table scraps
 4. Constitutional amendment extends vote to wolves
 3. TV commercial altered so dog catches and devour little Chuckwagon
 2. Monument in Washington commemorates "Our Neutered Brothers"
 1. All motorists must drive with head out of car window



Top 10 Ways Dan Rather Could Conclude the "CBS Evening News"


10. Put finger in cheek; make cork-popping sound
 9. Pretend to "sweep up" spotlight on floor
 8. Say "Nighty-night" and put head on desk
 7. Reveal which news story of the evening was the fake one
 6. Lick lips and sat "Mmm-mmm, time for pie!"
 5. Give coded message to "Li'l Newshounds" fan club
 4. Wink and say, "Pour the gin, Lydia, I'm on my way home."
 3. Hurl sweat-soaked scarf to female fans
 2. Light big cigar and say "Ha-ha! See you tomorrow, suckers!"
 1. Feed carrot to CBS News bunny



Top 10 Ways to Add Excitement to a Long Car Trip


10. Play "auto-bingo"
 9. Try to eat ear of corn while steering
 8. Play connect-the-dots with dead bugs on windshield
 7. Practice sudden bootlegger turns
 6. When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles
 5. Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up
    hitchhikers
 4. Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists
 3. Tune to static on radio and pretend you're the last person on Earth
 2. See how long you can drive with your eyes closed
 1. Talk guy behind counter at Stuckey's into leaving family and joining you



Top 10 Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting


10 Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
 9. Divorce Barbara; marry 13-year-old cousin
 8. Stick his tongue in Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
 7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with
    necklace made of bear teeth
 6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
 5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with I'm too drunk to remember"
 4. Have him, bend standing microphone into pretzel shape; give to cub reporter
    as souvenir
 3. Nickname him George "the sexecutioner" Bush
 2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind and Fire
 1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants



Top 10 Body Parts or Van Pattens


10. Heart
 9. Kidney
 8. Vincent
 7. Trachea
 6. Joyce
 5. James
 4. Bladder
 3. Timothy
 2. Spleen
 1. Dick



Top 10 Ways People Pronounce "Bolognas"


10. Balogna (Ba Lo Nah)
 9. Baloney (Ba Lo Nee)
 8. Balonia (Bas Lo Nya)
 7. Balloning (Ba Lun Ing)
 6. Fellini (Fe Lee Nee)
 5. Abalone (A Buh Lo Nee)
 4. Papillon (Pa Pee Yon)
 3. Aloney-bae (Uh Lo Nee Bay)
 2. Bloney (Blo Nee)
 1. Bumoney (Buh Mo Nee)



Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard


10. The Chin Slinky
 9. The Amish Outlaw
 8. The See-Through
 7. My Very First Beard - from Kenner!
 6. The Lunatic Fringe
 5. Seor Itchy
 4. The Radioactive Goat
 3. Salute to C. Everett Koop
 2. Gopher Butt
 1. The Babe Magnet



Top 10 Rasta Expressions or Baseball Chatter


10. Hey batter, hey batter
 9. Him, a natty dread mon
 8. Lively up yourself
 7. No batter, no batter
 6. Easy out
 5. Ride, natty, ride
 4. Stick it in his ear
 3. Hungry mon is an angry mon
 2. Make him pitch to ya
 1. Easy shanking/Him babe (tie)



Top 10 Thing we as Americans can be Proud of


10. Attendance at Liza Minnelli concerts still optional
 9. Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded UFOs
 8. Many newspapers feature "Jumble," that scrambled word game
 7. Crumbling landmarks torn down - not made a big fuss over
 6. Hourly motel rates
 5. Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
 4. Didn't just give up right away in World War II like some some countries we
    could mention
 3. Goatees and van dykes thought to be worn only be weenies
 2. Our well-behaved golf professionals
 1. Fabulous babes coast to coast



Top 10 Reasons to Discontinue the Top 10 Lists


10. Snide remarks overheard on elevator
 9. Pressure from the big money boys
 8. Movie deal not materializing
 7. Provides grist for Soviet propaganda mill
 6. Affiliates near mutiny
 5. Pits brother against brother
 4. Looks shabby next to "Soup of the Day"
 3. Moving plea from Council of Bishops
 2. Complaints of Drowsiness
 1. Angry letter from Lou Rawls



Top 10 Rejected Names for Joan Collins' Perfume


10. Fleet's in!
 9. Who's Frying Eggs?
 8. Better than that Crap Linda Evans is selling
 7. SIXTYsomething
 6. If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor
 5. Suddenly Exxon!
 4. Kennel Cough
 3. Joan Collins' latest Cynical Attempt to Cash in on Her Popularity before
    the Whole World Gets Sick and Tired of Her Once and for All
 2. Really Old Spice
 1. Next!



Top 10 Rob Lowe Pickup Lines


10. I promise I won't sing
 9. BETA or VHS
 8. I was on HBO forty times last month
 7. I'm a thinking man's Matt Dillon
 6. How'd you like to get on the Maury Povich Show?
 5. What a coincidence! You want to be an actress and I have a video camera!
 4. Care to slip into this Snow White costume?
 3. Would you describe your mother as "litigiious?"
 2. Don't worry. It'll be like the rest of my movies - nobody will see it
 1. Why - you're as pretty as I am!



Top 10 Signs Dan Quayle is Getting More Respect


10. Casey Kasem now accepting his calls
 9. Tour groups no longer allowed to use his bathroom
 8. Network news anchors no longer make quotation marks with fingers when they
    say "The Vice President"
 7. His confidential Secret Service code name now differs from his actual name
 6. No longer gets newspapers after the White House puppies
 5. Credibility soared when public found out he wasn't the captain of that
    Exxon tanker
 4. Gets to use the deep end in White House pool
 3. Even I'm tired of making jokes about him
 2. People now tell him he's no Ted Kennedy
 1. No longer has to wear paper hat saying "Trainee"



Top 10 Signs that John Hinckley is Making Progress


10. Wrote last letter to Ted Bundy on Snoopy stationery
 9. Rewinds tape of Taxi Driver before returning it to video store
 8. No longer lists occupation as "Crazed Loner" on tax return
 7. High-pitched tones in head now play Rogers & Hammerstein medley
 6. Sold line of "Sorry You've been Convicted" cards to Hallmark
 5. Has grown out of harmful obsession with Jody Foster, has started one with
    Foster Brooks
 4. Turned down endorsement offer from Doritos
 3. Considers himself an "honorary Cosby kid"
 2. Booked to play harmonica solo on next "All-Star Salute to Dutch Reagan"
 1. Thinks Shirley MacLaine is off her rocker



Top 10 Signs that People are Getting Dumber


10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks
 9. The new Brady Bunch show
 8. Nobel Prize for Literature given to guy who first hyphenated "Oat-bran"
 7. Quaylemania!
 6. Japanese successfully marketing a TV set that's just a cardboard box with a
    picture of Fess Parker inside it
 5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making
 4. Most Americans can name no more than two of the four dancing raisins
 3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made
 2. Presidential seal now reads, "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler."
 1. I'm still on the air



Top 10 Signs That Soviet Society is Loosening Up


10. Hammer and sickle symbol replaced by smiling Kool-Aid pitcher
 9. Personal Pan Pizza not ready in two minutes, customer no longer beaten
    senseless
 8. Sans-a-Belt slacks
 7. Exit visas now available at supermarket checkouts
 6. Citizens informed of Elvis' death
 5. Call-waiting now offered on tapped phones
 4. Shirt and shoe requirement dropped at 7-Eleven
 3. Emigrs now presented with lovely parting gifts
 2. Bigger and better prizes in Pravda Wingo game
 1. Bob Eubanks named Grand Marshal of May Day Parade



Top 10 Things the U.S. Armed Forces have over the Soviets


10. In hand-to-hand combat U.S. soldier has advantage of having seen
    professional wrestling
 9. Notches on nose of our nuclear missiles make it easier to pop open a beer
 8. U.S. Navy pilots go into battle with extra incentive of impressing Kelly
    McGillis
 7. Their geeky haircuts are worse than our geeky haircuts
 6. Soviet subs not wired for MTV
 5. Our Constitution guarantees the right to say "Bite me" to commanding
    officer
 4. U.S. weapons impeccably constructed by the super efficient Japanese
 3. Ivan can't drink Pepsi upside down
 2. Less talk, more rock
 1. Batman's on our side



Top 10 Rejected Prom Themes


10. Inside the digestive system
 9. Today is the Yesterday We'll be Embarrassed about Tomorrow
 8. Hormones Ahoy!
 7. Stairway to Unrewarding Careers
 6. Dorks in Rented Tuxes
 5. Restroom Memories
 4. Acne! Acne! Acne!
 3. Marry Early for a lifetime of Misery
 2. Emergency Room, Here We Come!
 1. Geeks-a-Poppin'!



Top 10 Rejected After-School Specials


10. The boy who counted cards
 9. Please Don't Make Me Go on "Family Feud"
 8. The Day the Gym Teacher Cried
 7. The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot
 6. Hiking with Reverend Al
 5. Never Kiss a Rodeo Clown
 4. Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem Flatulence
 3. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson: The Catfight
 2. From Larry Holmes, with Love
 1. Father Was a Flight Attendant



Top 10 Rejected Model Names for New Cars


10. Pontiac Cyst
 9. Dodge Glove
 8. Oldsmobile Beiruter
 7. Nissan Spleen
 6. Chevy Junta
 5. Hyundai Accordion
 4. Mazda Eczema 500
 3. Dodge Johnson
 2. Yugo Screw Yourself
 1. Ford Gelding



Top 10 Words Used in New York Post Headlines


10. Co-Ed
 9. Tot
 8. Horror
 7. Straphangers
 6. Mom
 5. Weirdos
 4. Hizzoner
 3. Torso
 2. Herr Steinbrenner
 1. Slayfest/Lotto (tie)



Top 10 Recent Scientific Discoveries


10. Giant apes once lived in Southeast Asia
 9. First crude amphibians to crawl from ocean onto dry land were looking
    for a towel
 8. Racoons don't really watch their food; probably lied about other things
    too
 7. Some galaxies really only 10 feet away, but are very tiny
 6. Universe expands art same rate as NBA teams
 5. Fish have Country Western tunes running through their heads
 4. Roy Rogers' new-style chicken is still alive when you eat it
 3. Funny smell in lab was actually graduate student
 2. If a blue whale gets in a fight with a giant squid. HBO has exclusive
    rights
 1. Try topping an English muffin with bananas and honey - mmmm good!



Top 10 Bookstore Pickup Lines


10. Care to come back to my place for a little Dickens?
 9. When you're tired of dating "speed readers" - call me
 8. You're pretty nicely stacked yourself
 7. Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
 6. Who's your favorite Karamazov brother?
 5. I've got a great reading light next to my bed
 4. I can bench-press a whole stack of James Michener novels
 3. While you're turning those pages, mind if I lick your fingers?
 2. You're hotter than Emily Dickinson in a tube top
 1. Is that an unabridged dictionary in your pocket, or are you just glad to
    see me?



Top 10 Perks to Being Elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame


10. Use of bullpen car for family vacations
 9. Paves the way for employment in exciting field of casino greeting
 8. DiMaggio himself comes over to set up your complimentary Mr. Coffee
    machine
 7. Your restaurant may now feature Hall of Fame barbecue ribs
 6. In super-secret ceremony, get to see face of guy who plays the San Diego
    Chicken
 5. "You had your chance" plaque sent to former girlfriend of your choice
 4. Annual mentholated rub from Tommy Lasorda
 3. Exact knowledge of how and when the world will end
 2. Can go anywhere, anytime, and spit on the floor
 1. When people see you on the street they say, "Hey, Hall-of-Famer!" instead
    of "I've already got insurance."



Top 10 Things Dan Rather is Afraid of


10. Spiders
 9. People will discover he doesn't understand maps
 8. The Greenhouse Effect
 7. A drunken pass by Charles Osgood's wife
 6. Searing abdominal cramps during newscast
 5. Endorsement deal for Bartles & Jaymes will fall through
 4. Garrick Utley
 3. Handshake too limp for world leaders
 2. Might giggle during Chernobyl update
 1. "West 57th" kids laugh behind his back



Top 10 Questions People ask Paul Shaffer


10. What's Dave really like?
 9. What's Anton Fig really like?
 8. Can't get you get me tickets to "Donahue?"
 7. So what have you been doing since "Saturday Night Live?"
 6. Are those "Stump the Band" people for real?
 5. Honey, are you ashamed of me and the kids?
 4. Would you like fries with that?
 3. Are you sure this is your credit card, Mr. Walsh?
 2. So why did you pick Letterman to co-host your show?
 1. When the bride and groom enter, could you play "We've Only Just Begun?"



Top 10 Least Popular Roadside Attractions


10. Geraldo-Land
 9. Arena Football Hall of Fane
 8. Stump Johnson's World of Angry Animals
 7. World's Largest Spit Sink
 6. Catch-Your-Own-Wasp ranch
 5. Recreation of Vin Scully's boyhood home
 4. One-eyed Elf Dodgeball Cage
 3. You-Hit-It, We-Cook-It Roadkill Grill
 2. The Enhanced Mitten
 1. Giant Shirtless Santa Claus



Top 10 Lies we Tell our Guests


10. Don't worry, there are still lots of people watching at 1:25 A.M.
 9. Those are clean towels
 8. Sure, Dave would love to sing a duet with you
 7. We invited you here because we've wanted to have you on for a long, long
    time and not at all because our other guests cancelled and we're really
    desperate, Regis
 6. Relax, he's not the same guy who does Dave's hair
 5. We brought you here on a bus so you'd have more funny stories to tell
 4. Dave saw your movie - and loved it!
 3. Dave saw your movie
 2. We'll edit that out later
 1. They're not booing, they're chanting "Dave"



Top 10 Rejected Jeopardy Categories


10. Things that Ooze
 9. Deathbed Pranks
 8. Noises Dad Makes
 7. What's That? Ham?
 6. Things You just Want to Pound and Pound with a Shovel
 5. Doorknob Lore
 4. Leading Men Who are Really Gay
 3. Presidential Salads
 2. Items Found in Wadded-up Napkins
 1. Moist things


Top 10 Reasons to Buy This Book


10. Serves as handy coaster for two jumbo beverages
 9. Plentiful misprints sure to make it a valuable collector's item
 8. Ideal for really easy book report
 7. Everything you need to know to pilot your own jumbo jet
 6. Randomly selected page numbers could include winning lottery combinations
 5. You're mentioned on page 43
 4. Paper made from criminal trees which deserved to die
 3. Sure to impress the babes
 2. This is the very last copy in existence
 1. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you!

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"The Late Show with David Letterman" top ten lists are ©1993-2000 - WorldWide Pants Incorporated
The PANTS! listing was compiled by Craig "PJ" Hansen and is ©1994-2000 Craig R. Hansen
TopTen lists seen at this site were compiled by Sue Trowbridge, Aaron Barnhart, Stuart Goldman, and Craig R. Hansen.
Lists from Late Night with David Letterman are the intellectual property of NBC (owned by The General Electric Company).